Breaking up seems to be a quintessential part of the human experience for most of us. This breakup from Ethan has elevated me to a level of being able to relate with the world around me in ways that I could’t before I went through this. A part of this new relatability is present in the way I engage with music. So many songs I have listed to for years have taken on a whole new meaning. I realize now that a lot of relationship songs have been written about people with narcissistic personality disorder (and other disorders) – who would’ve thought???
I hope you enjoy my selections and feel free to comment or message me your favorite lyrics and lines or comment on my selections or anything else you care to vibe about! =)
10. “SHAKE IT OFF” – Taylor Swift
“Players gonna play, play, play, play, playAnd the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate (haters gonna hate)Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shakeI shake it off, I shake it offHeartbreakers gonna breakFakers gonna fakeI’m just gonna shakeI shake it off, I shake it off”
MY TAKE – Having left an xy chromosome who could lie with a straight face let me tell you that the fake people in this world are made out of the cheapest plastic and they seem to be okay with that. There is nothing you can do but come to terms with exactly who they really are and either stay and deal with it or get the fuck out and shake that shit off. They will not change until enough bad shit happens to make them. Staying and complaining is not an option.
“Hey, hey, hey – Just think while you’ve been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world, You could’ve been getting down to this sick beat.”
MY TAKE – As we say in the circles of consciousness “we always have a choice.” What T Swizzle is pointing out here is that no matter what that fool did you always have the option to choose to think positively. You have zero control over them and what they did – that was purely a reflection of them. So I will agree with Taylor and advise you to choose positivity. Trust me that person who hurt you ain’t thinking about you not nearly as much as you’re thinking about them. They don’t have the energy. It takes too many resources for fake people to wear a mask all the time and pretend. Their energy is being spent on them.
9. “FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU” – Gin Blossoms
“Did you love me only in my head? The things you said and did to me They seem to come so easily The love I thought I’d won You give for free”
8. “SOMEONE ELSE” – Sullivan King – Despite this title I definitely do not encourage getting someone else until all issues have been resolved – no matter how long that takes. Let’s stop this codependent bullshit and actually get healed y’all.
“I’m stuck inside of these walls with youI don’t recognize who I’ve turned intoI’m losing hope in getting myself backEverything around me starting to turn black”
MY TAKE – I felt trapped in that relationship yet I negotiated staying in my mind for far longer than I should have. Well I never should have because the warning signs were there from literally the first day that I met Ethan. By the time the ex had played his last gaslighting mind game on me I was stripped of my identity, walking into walls in the middle of the day (no wine had been consumed), and had to go on a journey to find my new self because the old self had been burned up till there was absolutely nothing left.
“Well, I hate to say goodbye but it’s time to go”
MY TAKE – It was hard as all fuck for me to say good riddance to Ethan. I loved him dearly. I am a highly empathetic individual and it is not in my nature to leave someone behind. I had to be high on weed to break up with him. It was was quite tragic really.
7. “HE WASN’T MAN ENOUGH” – Toni Braxton
“He wasn’t man enough for me”
MY TAKE – As stated previously grown adult mature men do not and will not lie. They do not have a negotiable relationship with the truth. The are in touch with and can convey emotion. They do not blame other for their issues. They can identify their issues and are working on them. The do not insult their mother. They do not insult the dog. They know how to forgive and let go of resentments. Grown men do not cheat and they don’t spread life ending diseases as though they just passed someone the salt at the kitchen table with no conscious. Grown men understand the real meaning and value of sex. Real men will not refer to sex as “fucking” – especially not after being in a relationship for 5 years. Real men are not hoes out there in them streets who don’t show love to their partner at home. Real men are not hoes at all and they know how to control themselves. Real men know why they exist, what their purpose in life is or they are working hard to find that out. Grown ass men value deep conversations, deep intimacy and connection and are not afraid to be about that life. The ex was none of these things.
6. “HIM EM UP STYLE” – Blu Cantrell
“While he was schemin’I was beamin’ in the Beamer, just beamin’Can’t believe that I caught my man cheatin’So I found another way to make him pay for it all”
MY TAKE – This part reminds me of Oct 30, 2022 when I discovered the ex at some dude’s house after we had just had a terrible fight. I mean like he crashed his car into mine kind of fight. I saw his location clearly at a residence at 7 am on a Sunday morning. I knew right then that there was sex happening or had happened because my very best friends will not open the fucking door me at that hour on a Sunday. But a hoe will do anything for pleasure okay. I called the ex and he claimed this was some dude he had recently met on Grindr and it was his very first time hanging out and that he was just there to smoke weed and relax. Months later this same dude he was chillin’ with confessed that the ex and him had a long ass sexual history spanning back over 7 years to college. On the morning that I caught Ethan with him I told Ethan that my heart fell through the core of the Earth and that he was breaking my heart. This did not move Ethan at all and instead he stayed with this dude for several hours and took his good ass sweet time doing him. Well, while he was smoking I was at his townhouse packing up the shit I had bought for him and to my car all the bags I was totin’. I’m not the one to be played with. The ex wanted to run the streets, get high, “fuck” as he so immaturely called it, suck dick, take dick and hang out with low vibration boys so I left his ass so he could do exactly that.
“(Oops) there goes the time we spent away(Oops) there goes the love I had But you cheated on me and that’s for that now”
MY TAKE – I would like to take a moment to make clear that Ethan and I were working on having an open relationship. He was not tied in chains in a monogamous relationship or anything like that. He wanted what he wanted when the fuck he wanted it and he got off on secrecy. All of this was entirely unnecessary. If Ethan would have asked me if he could go and hang out with dudes I would have told him yes. I probably would’ve wanted to come along from time to time. It would be about two months later that I discovered the sexts (which you can read in the previous blog titled “ETHAN’S SEXT MESSAGED REVEALED”) and that is how I learned about Ethan’s covid cheating fiasco and his attempt to have yet another affair like three days after he gave the first guy Covid. I gave Ethan several days to come clean after reading this sexts but he swore he had slept with no one. I skip traced through text and phone logs until Ethan could no longer hid the truth the he confessed. Digging up dirt Ethan already knew and could have easily told me wore me out. But I was not too tired to make my way over to his townhome to pack up the rest of the shit I had bought him which has now become my shit. The living room furniture, rug, tv stand, clothes, kitchen utensils etc. – I borrowed a page from my girl Bernie of “Waiting To Exhale” and gave all that shit away for free. It wasn’t even worth a damn dollar to me. Yes since Ethan liked to play around with strange me off the internet I went on Facebook marketplace and listed every fucking piece of furniture that I had gifted him when he bought his townhouse and let strange men come in there and clean his ass out. I took everything down to the last chopstick bitch. I allowed him to keep one backpack which I had purchased ( I asked him if he had bought that or me and he lied and said he did. It was so pathetic I just let it go. After all I had taken everything else). I also forgot a container of tea which I wasn’t overly fond of anyway. Oops!!!
5. “TOO LITTLE TOO LATE” – JOJO
“Because to you, it’s just a game”
MY TAKE – It should be abundantly clear by now that Ethan is just about games. What he and other little boys like him fail to realize is that as they are gaming people, people are gaming them too. It’s a sick fucking cycle and it is a web that Ethan and others like him ultimately spin for themselves. Not to mention the spiritual repercussions. Like literally it’s so much easier to tell the truth.
“‘Cause time has made me strongI’m starting to move onI’m gonna say this nowYour chance has come and gone”
MY TAKE – I am forever thankful for all this bullshit because as Auntie Myrtle from American Horror Story stated when she came back to life from being burned at the stake (the first time) – ‘There are secrets in the flames!” All of what Ethan did hurt like a motherfucker and as I stated earlier, the fire of this calamity burned me up till there was nothing left. But I rose up as a changed man. A new human. With a new and refined outlook. A point of view that almost seems foreign to me as I am getting to know my new self. Yes I have moved on. The ex had a chance to have an AMAZING & FABULOUS life with me. He could have had culture, free vacations, food cooked for him, free massages (I am a licensed massage therapist), regular sex from me – a trusted partner with a very tight asshole, a working dick and a willing mouth, along with some private side sex if he wanted and orgies along with me, but he couldn’t act right. I offered him all of this but my one requirement was transparency. He traded all of this for secret sex with males off Grindr and Jack’d (and wherever else) who don’t even know him. Oh well.
“But you don’t like me, you just like the chase”
MY TAKE – Chyle I’m just gon’ say this like this – Ethan never showed up for the relationship I thought we were both in. It was like waiting for someone to pull into the driveway but they only make it halfway down the street and stop. Ethan stayed with me because I made it convenient, I was a source of narcissistic supply, he felt validated and it was overall quite entertaining to him because I am hella fun and a total Sagittarius! So for Ethan the 5 years we spent together was nothing more than an extended Grindr hookup. Yes I did met Ethan on an app. I do not use any apps anymore not even Tinder bitch. I am done with them all. You just cannot turn a hoe into a husband.
“In letting you go, I’m loving myself”
MY TAKE – Had I actually loved myself when I met Ethan I would never have allowed him to stay more than .5 seconds. He was disrespectful from the very beginning and only got worse with time. By letting his ass go I am totally showing love to myself. Staying would have been continued self-punishment on my part.
4. “HUSH HUSH REMIX” – Pussycat Dolls
“I never needed pain, I never needed strainMy love for you was strong enough you should’ve known”
MY TAKE – I did not sign up to be worse off than I was before I met Ethan. I did not sign up to be lied to, gaslighted, manipulated, cheated on, given std’s etc. I did not sign up for high blood pressure or to be an overall nervous wreck. I thought I could love enough for both of us since he obviously does not love himself but I learned that this is not possible. It takes at least two people who totally love themselves to make a real relationship work.
“I don’t know why you think you got a hold on me”
MY TAKE – Ethan expected me to stay with him in order to help prevent him from acting on his sex addiction and going on the apps to go “fuck.” I told him hell to the no. After all his lies he thought he was gonna use me a pseudo patchwork solution to a much deeper problem. His overall problem is that he keeps looking to humans to make him feel better when he needs to be looking up to God. Yeaaaa there is no healing in sex. You should already be whole in order to partake in that beautiful and spiritual experience. I mean sex can relieve stress but it is no cure for addiction, insecurity or validation issues. If anything it makes all three of these things that much worse.
“And it’s a little late for conversationsThere isn’t anything for you to say”
MY TAKE – After telling lies to the couples’ counselor (do not go to couples counseling with a narcissist as it will only backfire) as well as to his mother, dad and brother – Ethan suddenly wanted to talk and shit once he saw I was serious about leaving. Like for real this time. I had left him once and I wish I had stayed gone. Oh did I mention that Ethan’s entire family contracted Covid while coming down to Baton Rouge to to check on his cheating ass because he was drinking so heavily that he was having like delirium tremens alcohol withdrawals and shit. Yet in all of these conversations he wanted to have came no apologies, no awareness of his wrongdoings in any meaningful or believable way, no knowledge of how his voracious appetite for sex and just vices or anything that can take him away from reality devoured everyone around him who actually gave a fuck about him. So whatever he was trying to converse about was no more than hollow lies. It’s like the kid just don’t get it. He just don’t get it.
“I don’t want toStay another minuteI don’t want youTo say a single wordHush Hush, Hush Hush”
MY TAKE – You ever had a bitch talk so much bullshit and tell many lies you just didn’t want to hear another motherfucking word from them like ever again?
“I’m sorry for the way I let goOf everything I wanted when you came alongBut I am never beaten, broken, not defeatedI know next to you is not where I belong”
MY TAKE – I am sorry for how I became enslaved to my desire to care for Ethan. I put him second only to God when I should have put myself before Ethan. I lost myself in focusing on what Ethan wanted and this will not happen again. All of his untruthfulness and lack of consciousness confirmed with no doubt that this was not the individual for me to be in any kind of relationship with.
“First I was afraid, I was petrifiedKept thinkin’ I could never liveWithout you by my sideBut I spent oh so many nightsThinkin’ how you did me wrongThat I grew strongI learnt how to carry on!”
“Oh no not I, I will survive”
MY TAKE – I went through some major “Ethan withdrawals” man. That shit landed me in a mental hospital for a week. I am not ashamed of the way I crumbled, melted down and came undone over losing someone I had literally given a promise ring to and was looking at wedding dates and everything. I was seriously into Ethan and devoted to making his life as great as it could be. The only way I could be this devastated was if I truly loved him and I loved him hard. Narcissists will leave a relationship of any length and go attach themselves to someone else like asap. Because they can’t go long without someone to feed them validation. They tuck their tears away, tell themselves that they are the victim, tell people how wrong you did them and thus form yet another fantasy world in which to hide from their feelings. Do not take this personally – this is a testament to how they were never fully with you and how quick and easy it is for them to don a mask and go pretend. And trust me literally anyone will do. Ethan had the nerve to tell me that he didn’t even like the guy he cheated on me with and gave Covid to as though that was supposed to be some type of compliment. I explained to him that even his Grindr hoe is a child of God and deserves the right to chose if they live or die by getting a Covid infection from an hour long sexual encounter. Not to mention if said Grindr hoe had elderly parents he went around, the other hoes he was meeting up with, his coworkers, went to the gym or grocery store, if this hoe had kids – Ethan’s actions literally created a Covid positive ripple affect centered in North Baton Rouge where this guy’s house is and God knows who lived and died all because Ethan needed some validation from a guy he says “he don’t even like.” It helped a lot to write things like this blog post to help me remember exactly what Ethan is and what he is capable of. Anger is your way out of a toxic relationship. It helps you take some damn dignity back. Do not become violent but rage out bitch.
3. “ABSOLUTELY NOT” – Deborah Cox
“Always waitin’ for someoneTo make me happy, pick me upI realize that someone is meWhat you call life, that ain’t livin'”
MY TAKE – I used to feel like I needed an apology and closure after Ethan would do something to hurt me. I used to feel like I needed him to respond in a deep way to every text I sent. Chyle, narcissists are not at all about providing closure or being wrong. All I did was give that manipulator more power over me. A kindhearted man would have spotted my vulnerability and made sure that I had closure and all that I needed. This is not what Ethan was. Ethan was ruthless, coldhearted and coldblooded. Now that I love myself I look to no one for happiness. Periodt. It starts and ends with me. The sick manner in which Ethan chose to live (Hooking up, video games, more sex, alcohol weed, anime, more sex) with very little introspection or searching deep meaning in life is no lifestyle at all. This is an existence centered around escapism, denial and distractions.
“Bless the child that’s got his own”
MY TAKE – When I read this I think bless the child that’s got his own – identity, sense of purpose, sense of self worth, self love and things along these lines. When people don’t love themselves it leads them to commit all kinds of chaos and they are anything but blessed. Physical and material things do not equate to true and deep blessings. They just don’t.
“Do I measure me by what you think?Absolutely not, absolutely not”
“I won’t compromise my point of view”
“Told myself I won’t complainBut some things have got to changeNot gon’ be a victim ofAll your social push and shove”
MY TAKE – The day I decided to leave Ethan and stop being his dumpster for negativity was the day I began to take my power back. No more compromising for someone who didn’t want to compromise and find common ground in good faith.
2. “FLOWERS” – Miley Cyrus + “TURN UP THE RADIO” – Madonna
“I didn’t wanna leave youI didn’t wanna lie”
“I didn’t wanna leave youI didn’t wanna fight”
“I can buy myself flowersWrite my name in the sandTalk to myself for hoursSay things you don’t understandI can take myself dancingAnd I can hold my own handYeah, I can love me better than you can”
MY TAKE – I used to love getting flowers from Ethan but I had “remind” him to get them because he didn’t like me enough to remember. For someone as attached to his apps and his phone as he was he could have easily set a reminder. But it wasn’t something directly benefiting him therefore his efforts would be minimal. So now I do all the things I used to do with Ethan and a whole lot of new shit too. The only difference is I have total peace with no one to argue with or have their heavy ass energy weighing me down. My flowers have never looked more beautiful sitting on my counter. I could do bad by myself if it came down to it but I can damn sure love me better than the ex could because I actually like me and I have respect for myself. I’d rather talk to myself then talk to someone and have to carry anxiety about which words they’re saying are true and which are false. Note: Narcissists like to spin a web of truth mixed with lies. This keeps your mind pulling in two different directions.
“It was time that I opened my eyesI’m leaving the past behindNothing’s ever what it seems”
1. “TRY” – P!nk + “I DON’T WANNA FIGHT” – Tina Turner
“But just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna dieYou’ve gotta get up and try, try, try”
“Funny how the heart can be deceivingMore than just a couple timesWhy do we fall in love so easyEven when it’s not right?”
“When you’re out there doing what you’re doingAre you just getting by?Tell me, are you just getting by, by, by?”
MY TAKE – Yea my heart was majorly deceiving everyday I was Ethan for 5 years. I felt like I was gonna dye after he cheated and after breaking up with him. I wanted to give up and in many ways I did. I stopped tending to my businesses which I run. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My cats were looking at me like – oh gurl! I fell in love with that fool even though it didn’t feel right. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad that I overlooked my instincts. I went on a brief, yet reckless, binge of bad and self-harming habits that included alcohol, drugs and sex. Thankfully this lasted all of one minute as I began to realize that I should not be punishing myself for Ethan’s bullshit mistakes. I took on his sexually addictive behaviors and a portion of his negativity. I have since discarded all that nastiness and sent it right back to his ass. When I was out there “doing what I was doing” I was not living. It was not truth. It was distraction. It was not healing. It was dangerous. I am thankful God had mercy on me and brought me out of that deadly cycle I was in.
“I don’t care who’s wrong or right I don’t really want to fight no more (too much talking babe) …This is time for letting go”
“Hanging on to the past It only stands in our way We had to grow for our love to last. But we just grew apart “
MY TAKE – First of all Rest In Peace Tina!!!!!!!!!! This woman gave a Master Class in how to break fully free of an abusive man and go on to kick ass and do the dayumn thang!!! If Tina could do it – so can we!!!
The ex seemed to actually get a sense of satisfaction from the intense arguments I used to degrade myself to be in. It’s like a look of happiness or validation would flush over his face and he would think I was gonna go to bed with him right after a fight and all would be well. I was like no bitch I am not about to be a part of this masochistic and destructive cycle you obviously get off on. No, no and fuck no!!! During couples’ counseling (which you should never do with a narcissist) I would say let’s stop comparing who’s right and who’s wrong. We both did wrong so let’s both forgive and move on together. Ethan preferred keeping arguments going well past their expiration date. He was full of unforgiveness yet not above being a hypocrite and totally cool with double standards – as long as they benefited him and not me. For instance, Ethan spent months in 2022 bitching about how I pulled my dick out at a gay bar in New Orleans during Pride. My and the couples counselor was like, “well it’s not like it was a grocery store or some shit – my dick popping out on Bourbon Street during Gay Pride should not have been a months long complaint.” No one touched it or anything. It was simply something I did as a form of an expression of freedom. Ethan continued to complain and make an over the top deal over the dick situation as he was running at least three males behind my back who he was having actual sex with. See what I mean?
When Ethan and I met neither one of us was truly ready for a relationship. I was still reeling from being homeless, I was addicted to like every upper and had anxiety out the wazoo. Ethan was well Ethan. As he has been explained here nothing has changed. Narcissist resist change with the exception of growing in the treacherous things they do to people as they get older. I attended therapy in good faith, did the work and evolved. Ethan showed to therapy, faked and lied his way through it and devolved. I outgrew him. Periodt. He is still the same Grindr hoe he was the night I met him and it’s a dayumn shame. He had every possible exposure to therapies and various schools of thought but he chose to hold on to bitterness and anger. Like almost 4 years into our relationship Ethan starts talking about how he was still mad about a negative comment a girl made to him when he was in middle school. Really? Fucking 15 years ago and you still ain’t let that shit go?!?!? What. The. Actual. Fuck. One of the last things I wasted energy and effort on trying to explain to someone who refuses to change is that – yes when someone first does or says something that hurts us it is on them. But after some time if we are still mad about whatever was said or done that is on us and we just look like bitter, broken and basic fools. Ethan wanted me to forgive him and move on from ALL that he did. Yet was still angry at this girl from 15 years ago and in his head using my dick coming out a part of his reason to justify his cheating and lying.
FINAL THOUGHTS – There is no excuse for cheating, lying or anything that is not the whole truth. Let us not allow people to walk all over us. Let us recognize the signs and move on quickly lest we become infected with darkness not our own. Forgive. Let go of resentments. Burn bitterness to the ground. Discard that frown. Abandon habits that are distractions and seek true healing. Control yourself. Get to know God (not church, not preachers, not rituals but actually God). Surround yourself with only good energy and positive vibes and you will go higher in life. Use music to help you heal. Use music to remind you that you are NOT ALONE.
-De’Vannon – XOXOXO
