[buzzsprout episode=’12943983′ player=’true’]
INTRODUCTION:
Lluvia Peveto, 37, is a native Texan, former journalist and currently a marketing and public relations specialist. She is a senior account manager for a Baton Rouge-based creative agency, where she offers proactive counsel for the agency’s client roster. Lluvia has worked extensively in both corporate and nonprofit environments throughout her career, earning hundreds of thousands of dollars in sponsorships, membership commitments, and local and state grants. Her copywriting work has received numerous local awards in Louisiana and Texas garnering international media recognition for her diverse clients.
Lluvia enjoys openly relating her experiences as a bisexual and polyamorous woman, and has practiced polyamory for over three years. She is an advocate for living openly without fear and enjoys expanding her experiences and knowledge of ethical nonmonogamy. In her spare time, she enjoys riding her motorcycle, running, updating her Kindle reads list and connecting with friends.
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· A Glimpse Into The Polyamorous Life
· Open Relationships Vs. Polyamory
· The Importance Of Alone Time
· The Necessity Of Therapy
· Hierarchy Vs. Non-Hierarchy
· Expressing What You Really Want
· Dating App Options
· Coming Out Poly
· Mental Health Cost Cutting Hacks
· Code Switching
CONNECT WITH LLUVIA:
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tacobellissima
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tacobellissima/?hl=en
LLUVIA’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
Recommended Resources:
● https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=1952125081&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
● https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B09X2828PD&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
● https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B005P1FP7W&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
● https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=1952125030&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
Blogs:
● https://youtube.com/@polyamfam
● https://www.chillpolyamory.com/about
Social Media:
● https://instagram.com/polyamoryinpractice?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/polyphiliablog?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/polyamproud?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/nonmonogamyhelp?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/chillpolyamory?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/remodeledlove?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/polyamorousblackgirl?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
● https://instagram.com/polyamfam?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
Website: https://www.SexDrugsAndJesus.com
Website: https://www.DownUnderApparel.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexdrugsandjesus
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3daTqCM
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SexDrugsAndJesus/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexdrugsandjesuspodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TabooTopix
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/devannon
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.es/SexDrugsAndJesus/_saved/
Email: DeVannon@SDJPodcast.com
DE’VANNON’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
· OverviewBible (Jeffrey Kranz)
o https://www.youtube.com/c/OverviewBible
· Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed (Documentary)
· Leaving Hillsong Podcast With Tanya Levin
o https://leavinghillsong.podbean.com
· Upwork: https://www.upwork.com
· FreeUp: https://freeup.net
VETERAN’S SERVICE ORGANIZATIONS
· Disabled American Veterans (DAV): https://www.dav.org
· American Legion: https://www.legion.org
· What The World Needs Now (Dionne Warwick): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfHAs9cdTqg
INTERESTED IN PODCASTING OR BEING A GUEST?:
· PodMatch is awesome! This application streamlines the process of finding guests for your show and also helps you find shows to be a guest on. The PodMatch Community is a part of this and that is where you can ask questions and get help from an entire network of people so that you save both money and time on your podcasting journey.
https://podmatch.com/signup/devannon
TRANSCRIPT:
Lluvia Polyamory
[00:00:00]
You’re listening to the sex drugs and Jesus podcast, where we discuss whatever the fuck we want to! And yes, we can put sex and drugs and Jesus all in the same bed and still be all right at the end of the day. My name is De’Vannon and I’ll be interviewing guests from every corner of this world as we dig into topics that are too risqué for the morning show, as we strive to help you understand what’s really going on in your life.
There is nothing off the table and we’ve got a lot to talk about. So let’s dive right into this episode.
De’Vannon: Hello, all my children out there. Hope everyone is feeling super fabulous as we get ready to get into yet another episode. Today I’m talking with a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for years and years and years. Her name is Lluvia Peveto, and she is someone who is all about that polyamorous life, y’all. She has lived it. She has learned from it. She has grown from it, and she is here to share [00:01:00] some of her delicious delectable tips with you, baby. Now in this episode, we’re gonna be talking about everything polyamory. We’re gonna talk about polyamory versus open relationships and being ahoe.
Yes, darling. They’re not the same. Take a listen to this episode and please share it with somebody who could use a little bit of love. Hello, are you wonderful souls out there? And welcome to the Sex drugs in Jesus podcast. I’m your host Devana and I am here with my homegirl, the lovely and talented Ms. Uzel, also known as Taco
Hello. Hello. Now, don’t usually read from people’s bios and stuff like that. I usually have some slick ass shit to say or whatever the case may be, but your bio is so well written. [00:02:00] I’m actually going to read just like a, a snip letter or two of it since you did such a damn good job on it. Now this bitch here is 37 very young years.
I know she looks 12. I carded. And everything to be sure that she was of age on this show, she is stuck in time in the best way. She is a native Texan, a former journalist, and currently a marketing and public relations specialist. Apart from all this, she enjoys openly relating her experiences as a bisexual and polyamorous woman and she has practiced polyamory for over three years.
How are you doing today?
Lluvia: I’m doing lovely. Thank you so much for inviting me on your show. I’m excited.
De’Vannon: Hell fucks. Yeah. So how did this all come about? So, you know, I’ve been going through relationship changes and, and shit like that, and I was trolling TikTok the other week and I saw U on there giving this whole like read on polyamory and she was [00:03:00] like, you know what, not everybody’s poly.
And she was just trying to like conceptualize this and so, According to Healthline, about 45% of the US population is poly. And I was taken with your passion about it, and as I have been considering this lifestyle, and so I wanted to bring you on so we can have a conversation about polyamory, not necessarily from some like high level coach in the, in the, in the lifestyle, but just somebody who’s going through it.
And so how, how do you feel like being poly has benefited you?
Lluvia: Well I feel like it’s a long story because when I first started out being poly, I think I was kind of [00:04:00] in my hope phase, as we all do when we get out of long-term relationships. And you think. There’s a lot more efficiency, and I just wanna see what there is out there for me.
And I think I, at the, at that point in time was I was a little disillusioned with long-term monogamous relationships because I had previously been married and almost all of the relationships that I had were long-term, so lasting more than three years. So I think I went into it. I think, well, at first I didn’t know what polyamory was.
I, I knew what open was. I had never heard of ethical non monogamy at that point in time. I had engaged in previously open relationships, but they weren’t very, they weren’t born out of a place of education [00:05:00] for that kind of lifestyle. , it was just like, Hey, let’s just be open. So I wasn’t really familiar with it.
And at the time I thought, well, it’s better to be single and just date around and do whatever I want and not have to answer to anybody, and I’ll focus on my friends and family and career. And then I met my nesting partner who kind of introduced me to the idea. And so from that point in time, I was like, well, you know, I am gonna educate myself about what this is and see if it’s right for me before I make any decisions about whether or not this is something that I want to pursue.
I think we all kind of fall into monogamy kind of naturally because it’s a, it’s, you know, something that [00:06:00] is very normal within our culture. . And to me,
I was a little scared about it. I didn’t know what polyamory meant or how it would affect me or, you know, who was involved. Is it just like cheating? You know? Is it, is it just like one big Sodom and Gamora? Because I was raised like in a, in a very like, religious background, so I didn’t want to necessarily do Sodom and Gamora 24 7.
I did, I was intrigued by some of the more physicality and the openness that you were able to do without like punishment, I guess. So I guess the, the first to answer your question very, like succinctly I liked it because there was a lot more to offer. I wasn’t [00:07:00] restricted. necessarily from anything.
It was a lot more open. On the journey to polyamory. I found out that there’s a lot more involved than just sleeping with people. You have to think about the ethics and what are your boundaries and what past trauma will affect your life. And I think what I came away with over the three years of time that I’ve been polyamorous is how to truly communicate, how to express myself, how to identify what I need personally first and then be able to express it, right?
How to face conflict how important therapy is, and how important it is to spend alone time. in addition to the, all of the other regular benefits that you get from it. So like hanging out with a lot of people, getting a [00:08:00] lot of emotional support and being able to, you know, just rely on people and have a bigger family than you originally thought you could.
So all of those are benefits, but they come with responsibilities as well.
De’Vannon: And with great power comes great responsibility. Little spider girl and
So you, you said nesting partner. What’s the nesting partner?
Lluvia: So in polyamory there’s the certain structures and certain terminologies in which you can describe your relationships to other people. It’s always good to really detail out what those definitions mean to you because they may not mean the same thing to other people.
So even if you hear me say definitions like nesting partner. , it’s, even if somebody else talks to you about it, you should always say, well, what does nesting partner mean to you? Because again, we all have [00:09:00] our own perceptions of terminologies. But in my case, my nesting partner is my long-term partner that I live with.
So usually when somebody says nesting partner, they mean somebody that they live with. In some cases, some people can use nesting partner to mean main partner, but I practice non hierarchy which means that everybody is equal to me and everybody’s needs are the same and legitimate.
De’Vannon: Hmm. Non hierarchy.
I I’ve never heard that, but I like it. You like all y’all the same. When I was a drug dealer, one of my fellow drug dealers, this cute little blonde boy in, in my memoir that I sent you, I referred him as golden boy in there and I believe in the book, his name is Hawkin. And so but in real life, this dude had like five different females that he was fucking, I don’t believe they were [00:10:00] allowed to fucking anybody else, that he had them ranked number, like one through five, and number one had authority over two through four.
So like, if number two through four came in with, I don’t know, some fucking badass, you know, glasses on some frames or whatever, the number one, it just goes to natural fucking. Pr us off of her face. And then that would be that
Lluvia: Yeah, that in my, in my structure would be described as toxic and also patriarchal. I would say. Of course, everybody has their own definitions of what works for them and what doesn’t work for them. So there’s a lot of actual couples who still practice hierarchy because, for instance if you live together, you’re gonna have more privileges than, or take advantage of more privileges, for [00:11:00]instance, than somebody who’s in solo poly, which means that they live by themselves or they practice polyamory more individual.
So like if somebody who practices poly more individually doesn’t have a partner and they live alone or something, they’re not gonna get the benefits as some, as much of a couple living together and sharing responsibility. So there’s still an innate sense of privilege that we all have when they’re, when we’re in relationships with somebody.
Like somebody might spend more time with another partner because they live close by to you or, so there’s still privilege, right? But the hierarchy means like, for instance, if I have two partners and I live with one, if they have a birthday party or if we have funds, time to tied together, like I’m gonna have to make decisions based on, you know, what the household need is or [00:12:00] something because I live with them if I don’t live with another partner.
and I’m trying to make sure that I prioritize them and that they’re not in a hierarchal not affected by a hierarchy negatively. We have discussions about, you know, what is important to you? When do you want me to show up for things? Do you want me to show up for things? And make sure to put them first emotionally as well.
So like, you’re, you’re not, you’re trying to make sure that everybody has their needs met as much as they can. I would say.
De’Vannon: And at the center of that, it’s something that you mentioned earlier where you’re saying like, you have to learn who, identify what you want and then be able to express what you want.
One of the great sayings from within the spiritual circles is, who am I and what do I want, you know, that we must ask ourselves in order for this to work. Everybody’s gotta [00:13:00] be clear on who the fuck they are. And what the fuck they want, because nobody should be having to play a guessing game. Like it’s not going to work.
But from my experience is I have asked many adults this sort of question, you know, in the course of, you know, my life. And more often than not, people cannot tell me exactly what they believe in who they are and what they want, you know? So did you find it was difficult to to either come to this point yourself, where you can clearly know yourself enough to know who you are and be able to express it?
Have you had struggles getting this from people?
Lluvia: Yes. It is all very hard. I’m not gonna lie. This lifestyle requires a lot of knowing yourself facing the darker sides of you and being honest about, you know, I don’t know how to do this right now. And, but I’m still gonna [00:14:00] try. I’ve found that a lot of people, well, well, let’s just talk about me first.
I have found personally that it’s very difficult to identify feelings and the root causes of feelings. So for instance, one of the main things that people ask me as a polyamorous person is, oh my gosh, I could never do that. Like, how don’t, why don’t you get jealous? And, yeah. You know, here’s the thing.
You are gonna get jealous and you are gonna get jealous sometimes. Just the same way that you get jealous as a monogamous person, because you’re, you, you can’t cut feelings out. You’re, you’re still a human being. You’re surly to express your feelings or feel them. But when I experienced feelings of jealousy, I have to ask myself, where does this come from?
Why am I jealous? , am I jealous because I feel [00:15:00] like I am not getting the same thing that somebody else is getting? Am I jealous because I think my partner is gonna leave me? Am I jealous because I want something, but I don’t know how to express it? Do I have a boundary that I that I haven’t expressed that I feel resentful even though I haven’t towards my partner, even though I haven’t expressed it?
So I think you have to like really work through your feelings and identify why do I feel the way I feel? You can’t just say, I just feel this way, which of course, you know, you will, you will just feel a certain way. But yeah, I feel like, I feel like that’s been one of the major breakthroughs in polyamory is like really knowing yourself because you think you know yourself and then you get into something like this, which is a more complex.
Relationship structure and then you’re just blown away. [00:16:00] But how much you continue to learn about yourself and other people.
De’Vannon: Right. And you mentioned also how this is different from like, just like being a hoe because some people might, I wanna dwell on that for a moment. And they’re, look, we not here to shame honey.
No, no, no. Out on a road more dick in this lifetime than what is what, what really one individual should be allowed to, you know, it’s a good thing. My booty hole always goes back to being as taught as ever. And you know, then I go for my yearly AAL rejuvenation surgery anyway. And so , so. So I want, so I want you to talk about this because , you know, cause I, I had a partner in my life at one point who thought that anything that he did was sex positive.
It didn’t matter how many different people he slept with or whatever the case may be. As long as it wasn’t rape then it was sex positive. And I just wanna, [00:17:00] you know, I want you to talk about what sex positivity is to you. And I want you to get a little bit more granular with the concept of just going on Grindr, whatever app the fuck around.
Like that doesn’t make you poly. You know, poly involves like giving a fuck about the people you’re dealing
Lluvia: Yes. That is very, yes. Okay. So here’s the thing.
I feel like most people, unless you’re asexual or have a low sex drive, at some point in time are gonna want to express themselves physically in a consistent way like we all, and that is to say that at some point in time we’ve all been hod or we continue to be hod. You know, I I find [00:18:00] that personally myself, like I, I go through cycles. For me, the reason why I went into Poly is not because I wanted to sleep around with a lot of people, cuz I could already do that without becoming poly. The idea that you are capable of vast amounts of love and are able to share that with people in different kinds of ways and they can share with you, and it doesn’t have to all be the same like you are.
Capable of designing your own relationships and meeting different needs with different people. One of the concepts that I really thought about in becoming poly was
the idea that, can someone really give you everything that you need as one individual? So [00:19:00]like, let’s say if you had your significant other, can they give you everything? Like, is that possible? And then you think about it and you think someone can’t be everything to you. Like, this is why we have friends.
This is why we have mentors. This is why we have, you know family. All of these people are important to us in different kinds of way, and they meet different needs. I believe that some people are naturally monogamous. , and I’m not trying to evangelize and trying to convert people over to the way of being poly cuz it’s a lifestyle.
It takes commitment, it takes responsibility. And so like, I wouldn’t recommend this lifestyle to everybody. I personally enjoy it and I think a lot more people would, because I think a lot of people are not naturally monogamous. They just [00:20:00] don’t know what options are available to them. But but yeah, like I, I think it’s, I think polyamory is the ability to love multiple people and to be fed in different ways.
And that doesn’t mean necessarily sex. So there’s a lot of asexual people and people who have significant relationships or emotional relationships with others that never delve into sex. Like for some people, Being in a polyamorous relationship means that you might live with one partner, you might sleep with another, and they don’t provide you emotional support.
They just provide you with physical support, right? Like cuddling or sex or whatever. And then there’s, there might be somebody that you have a relationship with that’s very emotionally significant where y’all don’t ever sleep together. Like all of those [00:21:00] possibilities exist within the realm of poly and you don’t.
The beautiful thing is, is that all of those relationships don’t have to look the same way. So you are able to have as many relationships as you want, as it you could properly care for and make your own needs up as long as that other person is being fed responsibly as well
De’Vannon: too. Holy shit sticks, Batman.
I never would’ve thought about . I never would’ve thought about that. You know, the whole, like, gosh, it’s like, you know, just like an emotional relationship with somebody doesn’t have anything physical to do with it. Wow.
Lluvia: And you don’t even have to spend, there’s some people that like a lot of alone time. So your traditional relationships usually have you living with somebody spending a lot of time with them. But there are partners within polyamory that are called, [00:22:00] for instance, comment partners. And those are partners that aren’t with you all the time.
You may only see them what, maybe like twice a year, year, once a year. And that yet they’re very, very significant, a very significant relationship in your life. And that can still be a partner. They’re just not the traditional partner. So I think. Breaking. The first thing you have to do is break any ideas of what a relationship is supposed to look like and think what do, who am I and what do I actually need?
And is there somebody who wants to meet that need? And how can we make this work for
De’Vannon: now this, now this comment partner who you might only see once or twice a year. Are you physically see them once or twice a year? Are you in communicating with them over you know, in some way being by phone or whatever, or
Lluvia: [00:23:00] if you want to, cuz you’re the one making the relationship. I actually have never had a comment partner, but it’s it’s not within with, it’s not outside of the realm of possibility, right?
It’s still just like, who are you at this point in time and what do you need? And then everything else kind of falls into place. I. Reconstructing my ideas about re relationships look like and what I want has continuously evolved over my experience with Poly
De’Vannon: Well Spoken now within the Poly community.
You, you you say you consider yourself to be more of a connector rather than a coach, and I think the connector sounds like a badass movie, , you know, maybe the follow up to Columbiana or some shit like that. I’m still waiting for him to give us that, cuz that movie was totally kick ass and you [00:24:00] could have totally played Columbiana.
And so, and so tell people what, you know, just about the existence of coaches in, in, in the poly world and what they could provide.
Lluvia: So when I first started out, I didn’t know anything. you know, as you do, and I went online and tried to find a lot of people that were very experienced in Poly that had blogs and that wrote books.
And so I started following them and they provided there’s a lot of information out there, just so you know as an aside, and you should always be careful and do your own reading yourself to compare what you know and which you are aligned with, with whoever you’re following. Right? But I found several people, like there’s an account on TikTok that’s called Chill Polyamory, and they’re also [00:25:00] on Instagram too.
So like I follow them, they have a blog and everything, so I make sure to follow ’em because they have really good advice for people who follow non non-hierarchical poly and who are also within the kink community, which I think. , you’ll often find that there’s a lot of like other different like sub-communities linked to polyamory.
Because a lot of alternative people like alternative rel relationships. And so you’ll often find kink and sci-fi people and gamer people and d and d people, like all wrapped up within this major like polyamorous
De’Vannon: ecosystem. Ooh, that sounds so hot and yummy. Or, you know, I love me, so love me a good nerd, baby.
Yes. .
Lluvia: I mean, you’ll find them there if there’s anything. I know it’s that [00:26:00] I’ve found more people who are like me, who are like, I’ll, I’ll like swipe on them on Tinder and I’ll be like, Hey, what’s up? I love your shirt. I’m a big, you know star Trek person myself, and they’ll be like, original. Or first gen
And then we’ll get into, we’ll get into talks about Star Trek and stuff and debate about which season was the best. And like that’s how, that’s one of the really good things that I love about polyamory is cuz when you date too, that person might not be from you. You might not sleep with them like once you swipe on them.
But the great thing is about polyamory is that you’re not just like, okay, next if, if you vibe with somebody but they’re not for you, you oftentimes will stay friends. I’ve made more friends off of dating apps than I’ve actually made lovers because we just have a lot of the shit, same shared interests.[00:27:00]
De’Vannon: See, and we’re, and we’re, this is a great segue into the apps and exactly how somebody can immerse themselves into finding poly people if they want to do this lifestyle. So, so what you say in home Girl is that the poly mindset isn’t quite as deterministic as say, like the grinder mindset because, you know, you know, people go on Grindr and act like that.
Just the fuck. And if, if you and I fucking, then they swipe and get the hell out, nobody leave a damn vote. Anything about you. and so, so, so, so let’s talk to people who, who might be hearing what you’re saying and like, Ooh, that monogamy shit didn’t work. I can’t keep my dick in my pants anyway. Maybe there’s a way that I can actually have all the sex that I want and still be a respectable human being.
Don’t have to resort the cheating, chicon, lies, scandals, deception, none of those things. You can have all the ass you want and do it in such a way that you’re not hurting people’s [00:28:00] feelings. . So so I know one of the apps is Fe Life. Another one is field, F e e l B. So I know if you live in a huge ass city like Los Angeles and Miami or something like that in New York, cause it’ll be easier to find groups.
You got people who are gonna hear this, who live in, but fuck Egypt out in the damn country and shit like that. And so the apps really come in handy. . And so talk to us about, you know, the apps and, you know, they’re a good way to start. Yeah.
Lluvia: I, I actually do most of my looking for relationships on apps.
I wouldn’t be opposed to in-person stuff, but it’s just so hard. Like, how do you walk up to somebody and say, hi, I think you’re cute also, I’m bisexual and polyamorous, you wanna go out with me? And then they’re like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What does that mean? Even mean it’s so weird. Like, so I can’t, it’s, you know [00:29:00] it’s easier to do it on the apps.
So I get on I’m most, I’m on all of the apps all of the time. I usually have my dating cycles where I get off of the apps. If I, if my energy is low and then I get on the apps again. So I’ll just call it my dating cycles. But I’ll be on Tinder, Bumble hinge Field. And there is like her I don’t really use some as much as I use the others, like, cuz I find that some app formats are just easier to stay in the know or up to date with [00:30:00] versus I feel like some layouts are just not as easy as others.
So like, for instance, her, I don’t really get on that as much because I just don’t like the layout as much. Like, I don’t like the way that the app structure exists. I do like Tinder because it’s very easy. But what I don’t like about it is that it’s a lot of people looking for unicorns. Which, you know, I’m bisexual, but that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna be a unit unicorn.
So I like, I do like Tinder because of its ease of use. I like Bumble because it’s very female and friendly oriented. So like, there’s not gonna be somebody acting off, Hey babes wanna get laid tonight. Like, I, you know, maybe I do wanna get laid, but I don’t wanna get laid like that. So yeah, I’m more of a slow burn kind of [00:31:00] person now, or at least in the cycle of my life.
So yeah, so I like Bumble cause it’s very sweet. Hinge every now and then let’s see, field, I am on field consistently. . Because I find that it’s easier to find like-minded people upfront because it’ll let you put your options out, like interested in, and then you can put whatever you can put, like friends picking flowers, B D S M, beating somebody mercilessly over a cupcake.
You can know, you can, you put whatever your, whatever your likes and dislikes are. And a lot of people are very open about it. A lot of people put like, you know, I’m interested in I’m a rope bunny and I do this and I’m looking for couples, or I’m looking for only an individual person. So it allows a lot of like [00:32:00] tailoring and getting your message very clear about what you need and what you don’t need as opposed to tender, right, where you just put like a small bio and maybe link your Instagram.
So that’s the difference is. , you know, you’re able to really be very detailed about what you’re looking for or what kind of physical exchange you’re, you’re looking for, which,
because sometimes people are looking more for somebody to sleep with, and let’s say you’re in poly, but you want more of a person who meets to your physical needs, you’re able to write that up right away. And then you’re able to link with your partner’s profile if you have a partner. So then the other person can like see who your partner is and check y’all out and just kinda like be very, it’s very transparent, which is really good for people who practice poly.
De’Vannon: I like how you said you take the apps and cycles. One of my [00:33:00] great frustrations with people in this day and time is that they’re on their goddamn phones everywhere They go all the fucking time and they won’t put the fuckers down. And then these apps have a way of like draining your energy and just pulling you in because you’re always wondering who hit you up and who’s, who’s next, the next message.
And then, then you get this twisted sense of validation coming from the fact that people are contacting you on there. And it’s not really true love or anything, it’s just potential. And so I like the fact that you, you go at it hard, but then you know how to turn the shit off when it’s getting to be too much and it’s becoming toxic.
And I’m happy that you identify that, that go, that does come a point in time where you need to chill with the shed . So do you have any advice that people can put in terms of how they, any information they can put in their profiles to help them?
Lluvia: Yeah, I would say. To be very transparent and [00:34:00] open and honest about who you are and what you’re looking for.
So, like in my bio on apps where it’s not so usual to see polyamorous people, I’ll put my name and so people can look me up because I want them to know that I’m not just some weird person who’s gonna like hit their head over in an alley and leave them there for dead. Like, it’s nice to know that you exist online and that people can trust you to a certain extent.
So I put my name, I put that what I’m looking for, so like, Hey, this is Uve and I like to read books and I like to, you know, garden and ride my motorcycle, blah, blah, blah. I’m looking for somebody who. would like to hang out and go to the [00:35:00] farmer’s market or, you know, hold hands or something like that.
And I’ll put that I practice non-hierarchical poly, that I’m open about my poly status. Cause I think that’s important. Like, I’ve dated people who are both open and not open about being poly. And I think that that is I think a key point in your poly journey. You might not wanna come out right away.
And I, I understand why like I myself didn’t come out right away to family or friends. But then I did it kind of like little by little. Like I came out first to my siblings and then I came out first to my friends, and then I came out to my. Work. And then I came out to my parents directly because even though it was all on social media and stuff, they don’t pay [00:36:00] attention.
So like I came out in doses as being polyamorous until I was out completely like public. And surprisingly everybody was super supportive. People within the business community, a lot of friends, people, church people sometimes from Facebook, like people are very open and they’re curious and not everybody’s out to like get you and not everything is gonna hurt you.
And I think we’re all brought up to fear a lot and to fear being different. And I think that one of the main things that I took away is that it’s okay to be yourself and it’s okay to be open. It might just take a little bit of time to get there. So I think putting whether or not you’re open practicing poly, I think is an important thing.[00:37:00]
I don’t know. I don’t know how explicit people would wanna get about that. I think that’s a personal choice. So I’m not gonna say, I think that that’s something like they should talk, they should decide for themselves and talk about with their therapists about whether or not they wanna discuss that with people.
But for me it just helps a lot to be, to say, I am open about poly. I’m not ashamed to show you to my friends. I’m not afraid to be seen out in public with you because I think that’s important. I put that I have a nesting partner. I put how long I’ve been together with them, and I put what I’m expecting from a relationship.
Like I wanna be in an actual loving relationship with somebody. And I would like. To share time, like time is one of the ways that I like to express myself.
Hmm.
De’Vannon: This is all sounded so great. [00:38:00] I’m curious, have you had any sort of like negative experience maybe someone you had to dismiss, cut ties with or anything like that?
Lluvia: Yes. It is very complicated. Everything is not gonna be easy. You’re, the more people you love, the more you expose yourself to heartache.
I will say that because you’re dealing with people and emotions and different needs, it’s just the same as a monogamous relationship where you work through challenges together. And whether or not you want to do that, you know, is, is the key. I have broken up with two women in the past. within polyamory while I have my nesting partner.
And it was hard, you know, I love them and [00:39:00] it, we just, just like anything else is like, if you’re not right for somebody, even if you can sleep within it, and even if you do meet some of their needs, sometimes somebody just isn’t right for you. And sometimes if they pass your boundaries and they have different boundaries and they don’t want to change for that, or you don’t wanna change, then you’re not right for each other.
Like even if, even if you, even if you can, not all things are beneficial to you. So I think that that was an interesting learning point for me is like, is this person, even if I can sleep with them, even if I do have fun, am I supposed to be with them? Even if this is. Something that’s open to me, or is this negative to, is this negative to my life in some way?
And I think just like everything else is, like if something is negative to you in your life and it consistently is negative, then you shouldn’t have it in your life. [00:40:00] Like, however, if they’re just like every other relationship, some benefits and some cons, are you willing to work through those cons? And is that person willing to work through your cons?
And then it’s just like a, a happy relationship where you continuously give and take, give and take in a, in a positive way. ,
De’Vannon: let me reiterate. UVI mentioned the, the T word therapist a couple of times there. We do encourage you all to get you some type of mental health tele, p v, you, single poly, a ho, whatever the fuck you might be, because, you know, sometimes we have traumas and we think we’ve dealt with ’em and we haven’t really dealt with ’em, and we find ourselves reacting and overreacting or underreacting, you know, the people that we are in relationships with.
You need somebody who’s trained in the mind field, okay, to help you. Hypnotherapy neurolinguistic pro [00:41:00] programming, n o p, whatever. There’s all kinds of things out there now, but you need to, you need help to search through yourself to be sure that you’re your best possible self. Anything you care to say about therapists in particular
Lluvia: therapists are lifesavers.
Do not think that. . Oh my problems aren’t big enough for therapy cuz I promised you they are . I think therapy is one of the best things that I’ve ever done for myself. And even if it seems like a lot of money sometimes I think it’s an investment that’s well worth having because you have somebody who’s trained to help you and trained to support you as opposed to, you know, people in your life who might be giving you bad advice cause they might be enabling you or you might be in bar wrong, you know?
So I think it’s always important to have an unbiased viewpoint who is there to equip you with the resources that you
De’Vannon: need. , [00:42:00] right. And so I’m not a fan of like venting for instance, you know, in my previous relationship, you know, you know, my boyfriend, he liked to go and vent to his friends and I would be like, but they can’t give you no damn relationship advice.
They don’t have relationships of their own or anything like that. Well, I think, I think he just wanted to kind of like be heard. And I was like, well that’s cute, but that doesn’t solve the problem and that didn’t help you. You know, any sort of like practical way to evolve to just keep talking about it.
But to me that was just a transfer of negative energy from one person to another with a no resolution. So I’m not a big fan of venting. And I was also gonna say, you mentioned the cost. We can get creative with that. You know, we found down at Louisiana State University, the grad students working on their psych degrees, we were able to go be seen for couples therapy there and it was like 10 or 15 bucks each session.
Absolutely. The hypnotherapy class school that I went to [00:43:00] out in California, the Hypnosis MO Motivation Institute, they have an intern program and you can see the interns for a fraction of the cost, you know, or for however much or less it is, as opposed to seeing a regular therapist. So I would look into the intern programs at different schools and things like that and see if they run a clinic or something like that.
And I found the therapy to be just as good, if not better, coming from the grad students at lsu. Right.
Lluvia: I think it’s important to know what all of the resources are and get in touch with somebody. I don’t think you should rule out. any type of service that would benefit you or your friends or your family.
De’Vannon: And now we gotta get humble enough people to understand that there is no shame in going to see a mental health therapist. In the black community, and especially here in the south, there’s a lot of stigma surrounding mental health services. You’re not weak, you are more weak trying to [00:44:00] act like that you are more powerful than what you are as opposed to owning up to your humanity.
And weaknesses. Your true weakness is, is is the delusion of strength that you don’t really possess. Right.
Lluvia: I think I think within minority families there’s always a sense of shame or very commonly a sense of shame associated with mental health. I remember the first time that I told my parents that I was seeing a therapist consistently and taking medication.
because I was, had genetic depression and generalized anxiety. And I remember saying like, this is something that is cyclical that affects my life significant significantly at certain periods of time to where I’m high functioning. But [00:45:00] there’s gonna be certain peers in my life where, you know, I might not be able to get out of bed or I might not be able to go to work or, and I’ve learned how to combat that because of therapy.
And I’ve learned how to regulate self-regulate my emotions when I am having a hard time. And I think I used to lean too much on people sometimes that were not equipped with that. Like I used to lean on my friends, which is great to lean on your friends, which is great. It’s fine to vent. but not to the point where you like need physical help from a professional that they can’t supply.
Right. So I think that that was a significant moment in my life and I remember my telling my parents that and the first time they heard it, cause I was fairly young, I was, I think I was still in college at the time. The first time they heard it, they were like, why do you need to go to therapy for? [00:46:00]And cuz they had never gone to therapy and they just were like pick yourself up by your bootstraps kind of people.
And I was like, because I have genetic depression and generalized anxiety and sometimes I can’t function. And they said, that’s just ridic, that’s all in your head. And I’m like, exactly. , that’s
De’Vannon: all. Cause it’s
Lluvia: genetic. And then they started seeing how well I was responding to therapy. and like evading.
I used to fight with them a lot and some of that just like got into being able to resolve the f some of the family issues. Cause you know, we all have a lot of them resolved some of the family issues that had caused our fighting and once they saw the benefits of me being less reactionary and being [00:47:00]proactive about mending some aspects of our relationship, they were like, that therapy is working out for you.
And I’m like, yeah guys. Yeah, it’s, I’m glad y’all noticed.
De’Vannon: Cool. Hell yeah. Well, I’m having, you’re able to find a sense of peace and resolution within your family. I look at my mental health therapist. I have a hypnotherapist, I have a licensed clinical social worker, you know, and I just, okay. I have a bitch who does my nails, have a bitch who does my facials on crying, and I have a bitch who helps me with the psychia.
It is just another one of my luxurious treatments that I’m pampering myself with. The way I see it, it is just, you know, you got a gardener, a cook, a therapist, honey, they’re all people who come to give you a personal service. So I just think it’s luxe. Absolutely. So you mentioned a word in our pre-talk that you were talking about and you called it code switching and, and we were talking , and I thought it was just the coolest fucking you know coining of the terms.
And [00:48:00] I want you to talk to us about what code switching means to you and how it’s beneficial in this situation. Ah.
Lluvia: I, I I’m a person who travels in a lot of different circles. So right now we’re discussing like my more alternative side, right? We’re discussing like polyamory and alts and kink and stuff like that, which is a side of my life, like a part of my life. Then we have business, right? I, I’m a very front facing person.
Like I work with a lot of clients, I work with teams. I’m in a leadership role. Like this is something that is very important to me as well. [00:49:00] There are people who. identify themselves a certain way, but I feel like I’m more of a chameleon. Like I like to travel in a lot of different circles and I like to engage with a lot of different people.
And I like to express myself physically in different ways. So like, that means like dressing like a goth one day, dressing like a Barbie doll, the other dressing like a, a, you know, ice cold business queen. Like, I can, I can do that. And that’s what I like, I like to do that. And that doesn’t mean that everybody has to do that.
It’s just who I am. So one of the things that I do is I called it, call it code switching because I was brought up in a very poor way. Like we were poor. We didn’t, sometimes we didn’t have a lot to eat. We [00:50:00] were in an old house that was like infested and stuff like that. Like I remember like hearing rats, chewing at wallpaper when I was little in inside the walls of the house.
Like I, so I know what it is to grow up and be poor, but I also know what it is to grow up and be an adult and be a leader and have money. So like I go between, I know what life is like in not having enough to eat and stuff like that. So like, this is what I call code switching. Sometimes it’s like, on one hand I used to be poor and now I am comfortable on one hand I am Hispanic.
On the other, I can travel within any circles, which is like white, black, Hispanic, min, other minority [00:51:00] cultures. Like I can travel within those and feel comfortable. I can. Be within the business world or I can be, you know, cutting up at a party. Like I can, I can be anyone and I can be anything and I’m very comfortable that way.
So whenever you’re in different social circles, you tend to code switch as to whatever the language there or appearance there will be best understood by the people that are within that social circle. So for instance, if I am in a meeting, I’m like gonna be like, what’s up bitch? You look great. I love that.
Look at, look girl, I love those shoes on. You really are fucking shoes girl. Yeah, absolutely. You are. You are working it, you are a dime. Like I’m not gonna go up in a meeting and say that to somebody, but I will say that to one of my best friends. . [00:52:00] If we’re at a party, I’d be like, you are so hot. Punch me in the face right now.
Like, I can be like that to her and nobody’s gonna think anything. So like the way you engage with people, the way you present yourself differently amongst different social groups is often co called code switching. So I feel like I do that a lot too, because I enjoy being an educator and I enjoy having other people see me in a way that they can understand me.
So like even if I present as alt sometimes, there’s always an aspect of myself that is going to be safe, that is gonna feel safe to other people or other social.
De’Vannon: And see, I never had enough class to act right at the meeting at work. That’s why I had to stop trying to work for other people cuz I was the fool up in the board meeting.
So I was like, oh bitch, nice tits. And whatever the case, I had no class, no demeanor and you know, so [00:53:00] I always got in trouble, whatever job I ever had. So I just stopped fucking working for people cuz I wasn’t trying to tone it down. The sed, the sedentary over here only knew one way and that was turned all the way to, of course
Lluvia: you are Sam, of course
But like, here’s the thing. Not everybody should do that. Not everybody needs to do that. I think the beauty of people is that they are, are who they are. You know, like I, one of the favorite things that I like to describe, like, I was trying to describe my si you two, my sister and I was like, well what is this Devana like?
And I was like, listen, hilarious, spontaneous. The life of the party, like generous to a fault. Like these are all things that describe, that, describe him and I, you know, I’ll, I describe people differently. It’s just, it’s, it’s who you are. It’s who people should love you
De’Vannon: for. [00:54:00] Right. Well, thank you for those kind words.
And I just wanna add that you can code switch and shift in as it, as it was explained to me by my mentor growing up. It’s adjusting. You know, as you go out into the world now, you’re doing this changing, but you’re not being fake. You’re not betraying who you are. It’s understanding that when you go out into the world, it is your responsibility to make the world understand you.
It is not the world’s responsibility to just get on your level. You know, if you want people’s attention, you want them to take you seriously. You have got to learn to read the, read the dynamics in the room. Read the culture in the room, read the energy in the room, and still be yourself and be true to yourself.
But express yourself in the way that group A is gonna understand you. And group B is gonna understand you in group C all the way through Z and back around again. And just tweak yourself a little bit and not feel like, you know, not feel [00:55:00] like that that’s a bad thing, that you gotta change a little bit when you’re in front of different people, but figure out how to do that without abandoning who you are.
Right? So I say this to like the introverted people out there, cuz this was an issue I had with my previous boyfriend, super introverted. And you know, he found trouble expressing himself in different situations or to me, you know? And I was like, well, you know, you gotta learn how to, you know, how to still be you, but be a little bit different and not be mad about it and embrace the diversity.
And in the poly world, you know, you’re gonna be dealing with a lot of different people and you’re gonna have to be able to code switch and you know, , I would take it as a challenge. You know, if I was an introverted person, this is a way for you to grow and to get out there and to work on those people skills.
Now on the time management side of it, what I was curious about spiritually speaking, and I know that people have varying degrees of spirituality. How do you find time to be poly and give all this attention to these people and [00:56:00] still spend, spend time with your higher power?
Lluvia: That is a very good question.
I have not always been very good at balancing that. But I am spiritual. I am still religious, so I am a Christian and I follow Buddhist philosophies. I also like to, I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but I also practice witchcraft and so I try to find time. To connect with all of this, like I try to find time to meditate.
I try to find maybe like 10, 15 minutes to read a little bit to keep up my understanding of different philosophies and scriptures and stuff like that. I find that it is [00:57:00] very important to be true to myself and what I am drawn to and be outside more because everything that I do is connected to the internet.
And so, like sometimes I get overloaded with electronic devices, even though I really don’t wanna be on my phone. Sometimes I’ll still be on my phone because it’s an a. . So sometimes I have to break away from that. Sometimes I’m gonna say like, ah, throw the phone down. It’s, it’s over. I’m not doing this anymore.
I’m going outside. I think you make time. I have a coach who coached me with marathon training and he said, and I was complaining about, I don’t know, running five miles every morning. I was like, I don’t have time to do this. And he said, you make time for the things you love or the things you wanna do.[00:58:00]
And if you’re not making time for that, it means that you don’t wanna do it as much. Which is true, like if you really wanna do something, you are going to find a way to make time for it or make it possible, or, you know, change a little bit to be more fluid in the way that you present yourself or the way that you achieve that.
So I think. being realistic, setting like 10 to 15 minutes of time to be by yourself to connect, I think is important. I really love people, so I tend to give myself a lot to other people, whether it’s friends or like family or partners. So I have to be very conscious of making my own time because it’s not them pushing time on me.
It’s me giving time to [00:59:00] them and then depleting myself. And so it’s my responsibility because this is my problem, to have a loan to time, to have spiritual time, which are different and then have time with other people. So I think that that’s the thing that I’ve learned the most. Is learning how to balance all that.
And one of the things that I would recommend for that is asking people how much time they need to feel supported and loved by you or feel like they need to get to know you. And so scheduling that time consciously ahead of time, cuz everybody has their own plans. The older you get, the more people are gonna have their own plans and responsibility.
So I think it’s very responsible to, when you’re talking to somebody, say, how much time would you like to spend a week? How much time do you have? [01:00:00] Are there any important days that I should be aware of? Would you like? And then when you get more serious, you say, would you like to share a calendar so you know what I have going on in my day and you know where I’ll be?
And like, that’s just, it’s, it’s a. . Some people might not do that, but I find that it’s very helpful because there is transparency there and you’re giving somebody a space in your life. So even if they know that you’re busy, they know that you care about them and they are brought up to date as to like what you’re doing and you know what you like and stuff like that.
De’Vannon: Oh, sweet. Transparency. Transparency and trust. I want you to talk about trust and then that’ll be kind of like how we wrap it up because I feel like a lot of trust is needed in this, in this world, in this poly world. If you’re gonna do it. [01:01:00] Okay.
Lluvia: Well, well, first of all, we start off every relationship the same.
Like there is no trust there, right? Every relationship is the same. You have no trust. You have to build it. . So the more time you spend with somebody, the more you share your life with them, the more you know their likes and dislikes the more trust is gonna be built up because you’re spending quality time and you’re getting to know them in an intimate way and intimate, not just physical, but intimate as to who they are and what they think and what they find important.
So I think that that is very necessary to build. I think it’s important to know not just like, oh, you can not just say to somebody, oh, you can trust me cuz they’re not gonna trust you. Nobody’s gonna trust anybody in the beginning. You take [01:02:00] time to know what matters to them. And I think building trust for me would be more like texting them, like saying hi in the morning, saying like, Hey, how was your day?
What were you worried about? What’s something interesting that you like and just like being there? Being there and being vulnerable I think are the two hardest things. Especially in the beginning when you’re starting to date somebody. Cuz they don’t, sometimes you don’t know if they like you back right away and you’re like all nervous like, oh, I shouldn’t have said that.
Or you know, should I tell them that? I was thinking about them the other day. Yes bitch, you should tell them, be vulnerable. It’s hard as fuck, but it’s gonna pay off. Like, do the thing that you’re scared to do because everybody is scared. Everybody’s scared. And yeah. So that’s what I would recommend. I would say practice vulnerability.
Don’t be, you know, don’t be stupid and [01:03:00] give somebody your, you know, social security number. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about like being vulnerable bu about where you stand with somebody. That’s how much you want to be with them and stuff like that. Like I think that’s really sweet and like as long as you’re not, like, I’m not a big proponent, proponent, blah.
I’m not a big proponent of you hauling because yes, there’s a lot of vulnerability involved, but I think a slow build is really, the lesbians are gonna kill me. The slow build is like really healthy for people. And I’m not saying it doesn’t work out for some people. I’m just saying like there’s more, the more you spend time you spend with somebody, the more you know them.
The more trust is built, the more y’all are invested, and the less easy it will be to break a
video1953292028-1: relat.
De’Vannon: Oh, that’s very high wisdom if I’ve ever heard it. [01:04:00] Thank you so much for your time today. Her on Instagram, y’all, she is Taco Blic, ma, also known as your cool aunt. And then on TikTok, she’s also at Taco Bima and that’s t a c o b e double l i double s i m a, the one happy taco right there. And so , if you have any last words of wisdom or encouragement, you may spin them right now or whatever you wanna say.
Lluvia: Well, I think the most important thing is, is to have fun and to not take things too seriously and to just kind of like discover and allow yourself to make mistakes and recover from them. And I think that’s the most important part cuz I didn’t get too caught up in being, doing the right thing all the time and reading the right books and.
Being appropriate to people all the time. And I got too caught up in the should and should [01:05:00]not, and I forgot to have fun. So I think it’s very important that while yes, you learn and educate yourself, go out and have fun and have a good time and get to know people and, and then you’ll, you’ll find what works for you.
De’Vannon: Oh, so sweet. Thank you so much for being our guide on the path to polyamory and y’all look forward to hearing from Ms. Taima in the future. Thank you so much for coming on the show today.
Lluvia: Thank you so much for having me.
De’Vannon: Thank you all so much for taking time to listen to the Sex Drugs in Jesus podcast. It really means everything to me. Look, if you love the show, you can find more information and resources at Sex Drugs in jesus.com or wherever you listen to your podcast. Feel free to reach out to me [01:06:00] directly at Davanon Sex Drugs and jesus.com and on Twitter and Facebook as well.
My name is Davanon, and it’s been wonderful being your host today. And just remember that everything is gonna be all right.
