INTRODUCTION:
Please join me as I wrap up this healing journey that I have been on this past six months. I have high. I have been low. God brought me through it all and am here to help you in any way that I can. Yes I talk about my psychedelic experience at the end of this 4 HOUR EPISODE!!! I needed to get this all out so I could move on and I thank you for your patience as you listen to all this. 🙂
For Work With The 7 Archangels With Ale Padilla:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/corazon_de_guacamaya/?hl=en
WhatsApp: +52 33 3363 4508
PsychCentral – https://psychcentral.com/health/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity#the-effects
CrystalDreamsWorld – https://crystaldreamsworld.com/lapis-lazuli-the-original-blue-stone/
INCLUDED IN THIS EPISODE (But not limited to):
· Positive Outcomes
· Becoming A New Person
· New Dreams & Old Dreams
· Relationship Energy Transference
· Discovering Yourself Anew
· Having Real Friends Who Check On You
· What Is The Point Of Arguing?
· Will You Struggle To Stay? Or Struggle After Leaving?
· Put YOURSELF before everyone!!!
· DO NOT Do Everything For NPDs Or Chase Them
· Deleting Pictures – LAWD JESUS!!!!!!
· I Needed Weed To Break Up With Ethan
· A New Take On King Saul From The Bible – He Was A Narcissist!
· A New Take On The Specialness Of Semen
· Healing Suggestions For You
CONNECT WITH DE’VANNON:
Website: https://www.SexDrugsAndJesus.com
Website: https://www.DownUnderApparel.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexdrugsandjesus
YouTube: https://bit.ly/3daTqCM
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SexDrugsAndJesus/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexdrugsandjesuspodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TabooTopix
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/devannon
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.es/SexDrugsAndJesus/_saved/
Email: DeVannon@SDJPodcast.com
DE’VANNON’S RECOMMENDATIONS:
· Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse & Codependency Support Groups (Virtual) – https://www.meetup.com/pittsburgh-narcissism-survivor-meetup-group/
· COSA – 12 Step Recovery For Victims Of Compulsive Sexual Behavior – https://cosa-recovery.org
· A Recommended Reading To Help Heal From Narcissism – https://amzn.to/41sg6FO
· Sex Addicts Anonymous: HTTPS://WWW.SAA.ORG
· HEALING SCRIPTURES: https://testimon.io/blog/bible-verses-about-healing-sickness
· COVERT NARCISSIST SIGNS: https://www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist#signs
· GENERAL NARCISSIST SIGNS: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
·
· Pray Away Documentary (NETFLIX)
o https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370
o TRAILER: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk_CqGVfxEs
· OverviewBible (Jeffrey Kranz)
o https://www.youtube.com/c/OverviewBible
· Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed (Documentary)
· Leaving Hillsong Podcast With Tanya Levin
o https://leavinghillsong.podbean.com
· Upwork: https://www.upwork.com
· FreeUp: https://freeup.net
VETERAN’S SERVICE ORGANIZATIONS
· Disabled American Veterans (DAV): https://www.dav.org
· American Legion: https://www.legion.org
· What The World Needs Now (Dionne Warwick): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfHAs9cdTqg
INTERESTED IN PODCASTING OR BEING A GUEST?:
· PodMatch is awesome! This application streamlines the process of finding guests for your show and also helps you find shows to be a guest on. The PodMatch Community is a part of this and that is where you can ask questions and get help from an entire network of people so that you save both money and time on your podcasting journey.
https://podmatch.com/signup/devannon
TRANSCRIPT:
De’Vannon: [00:00:00] Hello, all you beautiful souls out there. I love you. Oh my God, how much do I love you? No, mom, mom, mom, why? Welcome to the final breakup episode, breakup update, episode, whatever, you know, however you wanna look at it, that I have been covering and tracking my. Progress, devolution, evolution, you know, however you wanna look at it.
The highest and the lows, the ups and the downs. Over this previous six months, I cannot believe it’s been six months, cuz I found those sex messages that my ex-boyfriend has sent out to his ho y’all, but has been six months. It feels like it was like yesterday or like a second ago. Um, but you know what?
I’m doing so much better. I love you all for your encouraging words, the emails, the social media messages that people have sent in. God bless you all, each and every last one of you. But you know, Lord says in his [00:01:00] word that you know, old thou enemy destructions have come to a perpetual end and now has destroyed cities.
This messages for all of you who are still in relationships with narcissistic people or in any sort of situation that you know is oppressive. I encourage you to get away from that terrible job. I don’t care how much they’re paying you or not paying you. If the energy ain’t right, you need to get outta sight, okay?
Cuz it’s killing you on the inside. Oh my lord. You know I encourage y’all to get into y’all’s Bibles. Read, pray Fast, meditate, do whatever you have to do to gain clarity, but it’s time for us to break free. I come with a word of freedom today. Whom the sun sets free and makes free is what? Free indeed, baby.
He said, you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. If the truth sets you free, then lies do what? Put you in bondage. Get away from them. Lying people. Those people are operating in the spirit of Satan. And Satan is the oppressor of all, and we don’t have time for that [00:02:00] nonsense that foolery will not do.
Skip the bullshit, okay? And get you some peace. Nothing to argue over if you’re arguing with somebody. Let’s reevaluate that relationship. In this episode, I’m giving you the highlights of things I’ve learned. This is a four hour episode. I thought about breaking it up, but y’all know I don’t like the tease.
I do not like the tease. I like to deliver. And so this is a mega update episode. Okay? This is a mega final update episode. And so break it up, get you some tea, roll you up some weed, whatever it is you need to do. Do you? I’m not here to judge. Okay. And, um, and do what you can, you know.
I am happy the way everything has turned to benefit me. I feel so much lighter, so much lighter. I’ve gained so much perspective.[00:03:00]
When I, when I was in that relationship, it’s like God was with me, but one day it’s like I felt the, I felt the, the grace depart from me. Kind of like in the Bible, how you had King Saul, the first technical king of Israel. It’s like God was with him. But then when he kept acting up, and he was a narcissist, by the way I talk about this in this episode, he was a narcissist.
He tried to gaslight the Prophet Samuel and everything and play the victim and cast blame on other people and all of that, you know, was a part of King Saul. So I might wanna read a, read around the first chapters of the Book of Samuel and find that out. Might be show on just on Saul and his narcissism in the future.
But I felt, but, but Saul kept acting up and the Lord tried to work with him just like I tried to work with my ex-partner. And one day that, that, that spirit left the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, is the way the Bible reads. That’s not a good position to be in because when that good spirit left, then a bad spirit came and vexed him.
You know? So if you are in that [00:04:00] relationship, were you on that bad job? Are you in any sort of situation where that energy ain’t right, and you can tell that that grace has departed from you or was never there to begin with? Girl, you better go boy. You better get on the hell up out of there and turn and run.
Who knows, you know, in the future if you’ll ever see this person again or be able to have a relationship, but what we know right now is that it’s not working and that you need to go. I felt it’s like the grace departed for me, and then I felt like every word of wisdom, every piece of good advice, all the positive energy that I tried to pour into Ethan, it’s like all my words and all that goodness came back to me.
It was like, It’s like it entered back into the mouth, into my mouth, into the same mouth that it had departed out of. And I thought about in the Bible how it talks about when Jesus sent his disciples out by, by twos any city or territory or providence they went into that did not accept them, they, they went [00:05:00] back to the gates of that town, took the sandals off their shoes and shook the dust.
Of that shoe chuck, the dust of that town that rejected them off of their feet, and they took their peace with them. They went into a town and they accepted them, and they let their peace rest on them. You know, I took my peace back, you know, that I had put over Ethan and everything like that. I took my blessings back, you know, and, and all the blessings. , I took that covering back from off of him. I’m, I’m someone who God uses in his life, you know, to affect the good things on people. You know, when I was in that relationship, I had like a covering on him and protection on him, and, you know, after all of his lies and deception, I took that peace back, you know, from him in a, and he rejected me and so I had to reject him.
And that’s just the way it goes. You gotta take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. You know, take care of yourself. There won’t be any you to take [00:06:00] care of anybody else. Let us get back to self-care. Let us get back attending to our spirituality in a higher way, with a higher priority than we ever have before.
But the. The main thing to remember cuz the, the Lord hears the prayers of the oppressed. If you are in oppression, You know it says this in in the Bible, the Lord hears you. When you are impressed, you just gotta cry out. Think of the children of Israel. That’s, that might be the greatest example in the Bible of just treat a bunch and oppression. They were at peace in that land.
A new person came into power who just thought that they might do something. Then when they hadn’t done anything, he just felt like they would, was that Pharaoh? Uh, a narcissist? Probably just made up some shit in his head and then used that to put people in the bondage. And, um, and, uh, ooh, they have some imaginations, don’t they?
And so, but the Lord heard their cries and when he got ready to, he came and [00:07:00] delivered them outta there with a strong hand. The word tells us with an outstretched arm, and then the Lord took them out and led them through that time of transition. God was a pillar of fire By day, I mean a pillar of fire by night and a and a cloudy pillar.
By day, the angel of the Lord was all en camp around Israel as they were transitioning from being an oppression to being free. See the Lord is gonna be with you through, through, through your transition. The Lord has been with me for all six of these months. Baby. I have not walked these past six months. I have been carried.
Okay. By the Lord. By the Lord, okay? And uh, cause I didn’t have the strength to walk. But honey, I can stand on these two feet today. I feel powerful. I feel encouraged. I feel strong. I feel like I have overcome, okay. I speak that same piece under you and that same encouragement and that same overcoming, but listen to those instincts and to that still small voice inside of you telling you what you already know you need to do.[00:08:00]
And I want you to go ahead and do it, baby. Listen to this episode, all four hours of it if you can, and please bear with me because I needed to get this out, get it done so I can move on with my life. Well, you know, I still got to finish the book that I’m working on too. But in terms of this show, you know, move on with my life.
Thank you. Thank you all so much and God bless you.
Well, hello, all my beautiful souls out there. Y’all are looking mighty fine and delicious. I’m so thankful to have you and I wanna welcome you back to yet another episode of the Sex Drugs in Jesus Podcast. Well, this one here is gonna be my final breakup update because things have been going so well and improving so, so and so tremendously and so greatly.
There’s not gonna be a reason for me to, to dedicate a whole [00:09:00] show to this again. Will my relationship, my previous relationship come up in the future? Will, of course, it’s another thing that’s been added to my hell life resume of experiences that was gonna be talked about. But I figured I would round it out, you know, in a very specific way.
I will be adding a new blog to my website soon. It’s gonna be like a list of like my top breakup songs, my favorite lines from them and what they, and perhaps what they mean. Because the interesting thing that I found going through this process is listening to music that I’ve been listening to for years.
Sounds completely fucking different now. It’s like I’m listening to everything that’s re that’s, that’s related to a relationship for the first time. So like every Teller Swift song and songs from like, you know, my Path, I’m like, okay. A lot of that shit was about narcissist people with [00:10:00] narcissistic personality disorder, to tell you the truth.
You know, looking back on it and listening now was quite interesting, quite interesting. It’s like I’ve been hit with this, a whole bunch of new music and I am living for it. Let’s see. So yeah, so, so just a brief recap of for people who might be watching this for the first time. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend back around January, February-ish because he is a covert narcissist and also a sex addict who you know, refused to get help and change on the morning of Christmas.
December 25th, last year, 2022, I found text messages in his phone from where he had been running around having affairs. One of which he had on, I think it was like October the 16th when he was covid positive. I know that cuz that’s the day I went to go bring him Pax livid. So that he [00:11:00]wouldn’t, you know, cause I was worried he would like, I don’t know, die or some shit because, you know, I’ve known people who have had died from Covid.
And so while, while I was thinking he was at home nursing himself back to health, he was actually out fucking some dude. And then he just came home, had him a bowl of cereal, played some video games, and texted me, you know, pictures of whatever food he made, which was our custom. And they just went on to sleep and got up and had him a normal day.
Who knows if that guy died or, you know, if his mom had to bury him or whatever the case may be. And what’s worse if my ex-boyfriend doesn’t give a damn about any of that? And that’s just the way narcissism is. People who are have narcissistic personality disorder, like little children stuck in grownups bodies, most of them are males.
And according to the research, they can only see what they want. And so for five years I was [00:12:00] with a person like this. I compromised my values, my principles and everything, so much so that I lost myself along the way. And I don’t know where. This is a common theme among people who have been impacted by people with N P d Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
There’s a lot of confusion. It’s like a spell gets cast over us, but, but Babe of the day I’m back, you know, I’m back from the grave. I’m back from death. You know, like, like, like, like who was it like, like Gandolph the white bitch, you know, when he was gandolph the Gray from Lord of the Rings. I’m, I’m about to nerd out on y’all for a moment.
You know, he was g Gandolph the Gray, you know, myth Ren deer, whatever it is you wanna call him, you know, he was fighting that bell rug and that petty ass bitch, you know, took his whip and wrapped it around Gandalf’s ankle as he was falling and stuff, and snatched Gandalf down with him. And then they [00:13:00] fought for a long ass time until Gandalf killed the bell rug.
But then he died because the, the impact of the battle was so taxing on him in the movies. It kind of didn’t make that clear. When you read, you know, like the cannon and the Lord and everything, you know, he dies when he gets sent back. And then that’s how he turns into Gandolph though white. And then of course he goes see his homegirl gal age girl.
She hooks him up. He, she hooks him with some pimp ass and new white rags bitch. He gives them that staff. Oh, Christ. And so
if you have been in a relationship with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder, you know, basically it’s like you die. It’s like you die, bitch. Oh, like so many levels. It is known or it is not uncommon for pe for people to, who survive of being with a narcissist to change their name. I would’ve changed my name, but where the fuck do I go from Davanon?[00:14:00]
You know, you know, I, I, I can drop my last name Hubert, because God knows I really don’t. Not a lot I have in common with my bloodline in the first place. So, you know, we’ll, we’ll just, we’ll just, just call me the van and moving forward, we’ll just leave all that Hubert stuff alone. You to, to, to come up out of this, you know, re really required me to become a whole new person. I had a dream when I was in Dubai in October of last year, just a week or two after Ethan, my ex went to go sleep with this dude when he had covid.
I haven’t told anyone this dream until right now. It just was one of those things that was just like, okay, I don’t really feel like I wanna speak it yet, but, you know, usually my dreams, [00:15:00] I can tell I’ve had a couple that are just like strictly forbidden, but I know in tell anyone this, I just kind of kept it to myself and it woke me up in the middle of the night, probably around two or 3:00 AM and of course I wrote it in my elec electronic Dream journal.
And I keep a paper, an actual physical dream journal and an electronic one. And so in this dream, it’s like, as I’m looking at, you know, what appears to be my mother caught, you know, caught in a car fire that’s completely consumed with flames and so
dream like this don’t mean you know, that our parents are gonna die or anything like that. It’s interesting, like how spiritual understanding works in dream space. It’s not, it’s not like, it’s not like out here, you know, in the physical realm. So what this meant was that I was, I’m thinking, I was going through, you know, a major [00:16:00] transformation.
Fire changes, everything. It kills whatever. And the only thing you have when a whole, when a big fire has passed is rebirthed. It’s the only thing you can do. It’s, it’s start completely over. And so I was thinking that I hadn’t gotten what I went to the Middle East for, you know, I was going there seeking change in a, you know, new direction and all the, I wanted to tap into that positive energy, you know, of the Middle East.
And, you know, I love their structure and their discipline and the way they worship, you know, you know, the, the, the God of their choosing, you know, over there. I love, I just love so much about that land. So, girl, I thought that when I saw that dream that maybe I had gotten this, this, this change, I, I think that what it, what it was pretending was all the fuckery that I was going to go through with this breakup.
That’s what, that’s how it feels to me now. And so now that I understand this, you know, I’m telling you this, you know, [00:17:00] I didn’t know, you know, that my ex had been lying for so many, for all these years. Pretty much the whole time we were together. I choose to believe that he didn’t just stop at the two or three people I know about that he probably had many, many people, because why stop, you know, if you’re out there running them streets and running, running behind, I mean, why have just three when you can have them all, you know?
So God knew all of this. I didn’t, when I, when he showed me that dream, he knew I was getting ready to go through a time. And then, you know, about two months later, I found those texts and then all hell broke loose. You know, everything went down from there. I was reminded of another dream that I had years and years and years and years ago.
When I was, I don’t know, oops, fuck, 10 ish years old maybe. Then it was like in this dream [00:18:00] I was running down the street and it’s almost like it was a, a street cell of clothes going on. And yes, I do have my tea honey with all kinds of deliciousness swirling around in it. And yes, this, cause I’m, this, this here, I’m gonna have to do some reading during this episode.
And so
in this dream I’m running, it’s like this dark figure is chasing me. This dark figure kinda looks like a, a quadriped animal, but it’s now running on two feet. It has a tail and all of that. And it’s chasing mean, it’s made of black static. All of these racks of clothes that are out here in this street are, are, everything is just covered and there’s a black static.
And I get to, well, it looks to be a, a bathroom maybe, and it’s just white, little small tiles everywhere. And they’re all just, just appear as white. A little bit of what looks like, kind of like a dark mode [00:19:00] in, in between some of the tiles and whatever this force was that was chasing me is knocking at the door, I guess.
I ran into this white room and closed the door and the dream ends as I’m bracing myself to open this door and face, whatever it is. So what does this mean? That dark figure chasing me is like my dark side. You know, every habit that I have that could undo me the dark, that, that mold, that was corrupting what, what otherwise been a perfectly white space where whatever habits that I have left to get rid of or would be facing in the future since I was a child, when I had this, the clothes, the rags of clothes that I saw, the fashions of the world, the things that are incredibly popular.
We’re humans that are not popular with the Lord. Why were they, why were that creature made of black static and the same black static that I saw and everything? [00:20:00] Because, you know, our habits and things that are popular have a way to of controlling us and undoing us. That, that, that, that, that thing wanted to control me.
You know, he wanted to get ahold of me and make me do what it wanted me to do. So what can you think of in this world, if you see that is crazy popular, but is really, really hurting and killing us? Certain drugs, sex, the way it’s used and abused technology, the way it’s used and abused. I say it all the time, like we don’t have to wait for, for the terminators to come back, you know, looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger or that fine ass.
But was he the T 1000 model? That liquid metal boy? Yes. Yes. That one with the chisel jaw line for days, honey For days, yes. Yes. We don’t have to wait for them pretty motherfuckers to come back here and destroy us. It’s already, the machine revolution has already taken over humanity. People cannot think for themselves.
[00:21:00] They can’t do anywhere without a phone in their hand. It is just, it, it, it, it is just the saddest thing really. And in Isaiah, in, in the Bible, in the book of Isaiah, it talks about how dark Michelle cover the earth and people, you know, and people will basically be like blind.
But the tricky thing about it is you would think to follow what’s popular with the world would be the right way to go. Because hey, everyone else is doing it, but. There is a way that you can think you’re walking in light and you’re not. The only way that you are gonna know what true light and darkness is, is if you have the Holy Ghost.
If you have a strong relationship with God, because you are not gonna be able to look to round laterally to see what other people are doing, to see what the right way to go. You have to have a direction from on. Hi. [00:22:00] I had another dream when I was a teenager
and during this time I was the I was the evangelist, Nelson’s assistant, her Alta boy, whatever you want to call it. And I guess those were pretty much the main two titles, assistant servant, Alta boy, all of those. Oh, how I do love to serve. And so, you know, in this church you had the traditional pulpit with the big, you know, throwy seats up there and everything like that.
And in this dream, it’s like I’m walking up to get on this to ascend to this pulpit. And I see like Evangelist Nelson and her husband and maybe her husband serving cuz he had his own assistant. I see, I see how they look like, how shall I say, like spiritually. So I saw them like they had [00:23:00] on like plain white, like a white rag that had been cut into a garment.
This is kind of how, this is a way that we can look, you know, like, like through God’s eyes. Like as God does not look at man, the way man looks at man, you know, spiritually, spiritually speaking. It’s like you have on a garment. And if that garment is white and pure, then you are holy and you are one of God’s children is spiritually speaking.
You know, I’m looking at somebody and that and their, their spiritual garment. It’s not white, but it’s covered in dirt or you know, it is filthy like that. Then you got some things that you have to work out. This does the way it looks to me in dream space
before I can make it. So I see a path before me that’s not quite as rainbow colored as my beard is. It was mainly a lot of purple, but it’s also kind of like iridescent too. [00:24:00] It’s like highly purple with some other colors mixed into it. Frosted over kind of like a like a sour patch. Gummy would be before I can get onto this path as a long, narrow path.
This, this is, this, this is a, this is, this is like my calling here. What we’re looking at, you know, my calling to, to preach, to minister, to be a servant and it, and it’s a long bitter road really, but it’s also quite beautiful. Before I can get on it, I’m presented with this bowl. I don’t know who’s holding it.
It wasn’t evangelist Nelson, her husband or her husband’s assistant. It, it’s some other being. They never even thought about that till right now. Never even concerned me with who was holding it because the, of what I had to do the same purple, iridescent, frosted looking, sour patch, kid looking substance.
That the, my [00:25:00] path, you know, my, my path of calling is made of, it’s like little, it’s like someone took like a, a spoon and scooped out circles of circles of it, like the spears of it and put it in a bowl and it’s like I had to eat this. Okay. So what I tried to do is like, I found like a. Like I took spaghetti or like a noodle and tried to wrap this stuff in.
I started to wrap this bitter stuff in it and see if I could get that to take some of the bite out of it, trying to find a way to make a bad situation less intense. Hmm. It didn’t change anything. I can still taste the way that stuff tasted it this day. You know, I’ve been physically on this earth 40 years though.
I feel about 17. Yes, I do. Getting younger every year and and I had this dream when I was in my teens that I could still taste that stuff. Oh. It was bitter, you know, and I think about in the Bible, how, like in [00:26:00] revelation, in the book of Revelation, John had to eat that scroll, you know, that the might that, that that an, that the angel gave him to eat.
And I think Ezekiel, somebody else had to eat something like that in it, in their mouth that was sweet like honey, but in their better belly was bitter. And John’s case, like wormwood honey, what I had to eat was bitter going in into my mouth and all the way down. It was just bitter through and through this dream started to come back to me as I was processing and dealing with everything with my ex, you know, cuz I, yeah, I mean, I pretty much, I, I tried to find a way to, to make that situation, to make it work.
I tried to find a way to make it and once, once I just, once I saw that it was not going to work, I tried to find a way to, to get past the pain of it quick, you know, which I’ll talk about. [00:27:00] Nothing took the bitterness out of the process. Nothing took the bitterness out of the healing journey. It, it, I just had to fucking go through it all, just one step at a damn time period.
But, You know, we’re in a better place now. Yeah. You know, my life completely had to change my, you know, my mind went to ruins. I ended up in the mental hospital. I relapsed on all kinds of drugs or misstep or whatever you wanna call it, you know, you know, on on different drugs and shit like that. Started making, you know, worse decisions sexually than I did had when I was with Ethan, which I will talk about that.
You know, I think I, because I took on, I took on elements of his sex addiction, which were not my own. And it took me a while to understand that I was living, you know, like he would, would be living or, or, or liked to live or whatever the hell the fuck the case may [00:28:00] be. But I wasn’t being my true self. And so,
you know, the, the way I look at, you know, the world and everything is completely different. Like I told you, when you, when you go through a relationship, a breakup with a narcissist and a relationship with a someone, someone has n p d just like that per, just like that person, that car fire dream that I had, it all, everything changes.
There isn’t anything that’s the same. You know, you might look at, the way I look at things is different. I dare say the world looks brighter. It’s like I look up at the sky and stuff and it’s like, it, it’s like it’s brighter. Being in that relationship with, with, with Ethan really, really poisoned to me.
And it took me going into the mental hospital to figure that out. And I, and I think about the scene from from Lord of the Rings, whichever one [00:29:00] where you have failed in, you know, the King of Rohan sitting there on his throne and that petty bitch worm, worm tongue, and collusion with sorum and the other petty bitch.
You know, had poisoned his mind and his eyes look all frosted over. I’m sure this didn’t happen overnight. You know, it was like a, a slow thing. That’s how it is. When you’re in a relationship with somebody who’s narcissistic, it’s a slow poison that gets inside of you and it takes over you. Then you’re all miserable and shit.
And yet you don’t wanna leave cuz you’re now addicted to the person. And or addicted to the idea of what you think you can have with a person. So when Gandolph the white comes in there and everything, you know, he throws his cake back. You know, when you know, when Solomon speaking through, failed in trying to tell him, you know, you have no power here.
Gand off the gray, you know, you weak bitch or whatever. And he is like, oh [00:30:00] no motherfucker, I’m not getting off the gray no more. I’m getting off the fucking whites and I’ve had enough of this bullshit. And so he releases failed. And from this spell that Soman, the soman is the other wizard. He was a white wizard, but then he got all corrupted and shit.
And then his robes, he was in white. He wasn’t gray, he was shifty, he was move his colors, his robes would like change colors. He became unbalanced because what did the Lord tell us? A double minded man is unstable and all his ways, you gotta be white. You going to be a white wizard, a blue wizard, a gray wizard, but you can’t be shifting your colors around.
You know, you gonna have to be one way in or out, up, down, hot to cold. And so,
but it feels like that, you know, when you get pulled out of, you know, reality slowly and you, you enter into like a f a fantastical world that’s not really real. Taking on this, this [00:31:00] narcissist personality, taking on their ways. And then when you snap out of it, it’s like you blink your eyes. You know, it feel, it feels like scales have been lifted off of my eyes.
You know, I feel a lot better, you know, in everything. I’ve got a lot of rebuilding to do. Going to try to get all of this, this mental and medical help done, you know, hurt my finances bad. And I’m not complaining. I’m, I’m very thankful to be alive, but I have to rebuild everything, you know, from the ground up.
But it was literally either life or death. You know, my, my life was hanging in a balance because of the decisions I was making and the way that I was perceiving and processing all of this. I’m, I’m not mad about the way I melted down at first. I really, really beat myself up for not having the the fortitude, the ept, you know, not not being inept enough, I mean, not being adept enough to [00:32:00] to figure this out in the flow through it more smoothly.
But, you know, I can’t even understand. It’s like the Lord told me to, you know, in my understanding, in my heart, the only thing that’s shameful about this situation that would be a shame about is if I were to be quiet about it and not be transparent. You know, you know, I love very, very hard, and I’m very, very open-hearted.
You know, I’m, I can’t, I mother wasn’t gonna just cut my emotions off. I didn’t know how to feel them properly in terms of dealing with the breakup. I’ve learned how to do that now. But I would rather melt down and come undone the way I did than to become stonehearted and act like I never cared for the boy.
You know, you know, that would be fake. That would not be real. That is something Narcissists are very good at doing, so I ain’t a damn narcissist. So that means my emotions are gonna be dealt with one way or the fucking another, but they will not be denied. [00:33:00] And so I think about that beautiful boy Darren Haynes from Aaron Hayes from Savage Garden and one of their songs, affirmation, you know, he says that he believes forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness.
It took a long time, but you know, I could finally look at my ex and be like, oh, child, you know, I forgive you. I understand. And the money that you said you were gonna pay me that you didn’t. I’m not worried about it because it doesn’t matter anymore. You know, I don’t, I don’t, you know, I’m not waiting for the apologies from him.
That’s never gonna come. I’m not waiting for money from him. That’s never gonna come because it’s not about him. He has no, he has no more control. He has, he has no more power here. And tell him, like, sorry, and tell, tried to tell Gaw he has no more power here. You know, his power’s been broken, you know, from over me.
And y’all gonna be so proud of me because I read y’all those other texts that I had sent to Ethan, [00:34:00] and I don’t want any of that back. But I did. I do not walk any of that back, but I did send him a text to which he did not respond. And I’m gonna read it to you. I said, for my own sake, I don’t want what could be the last words ever said to you to have been so bitter, even though I do stand by those words.
Not, not after so many years. Those years weren’t all bad. I understand why you did the things you did, even though you can’t say it or excess feelings about it. Anything you may read or hear that I publish is me going through my own healing process while helping others heal. And I hope you don’t take it personally.
I wish you the best on your self-discovery journey, should you choose to pursue it. I did love you dearly. Now y’all see, see how I’ve changed two of my [00:35:00] good friends, Lord Jesus. Oh, one of which, One of which is is, is d Demi Wild from the Hook of Horror Stories podcast out there in Los Angeles. I love mea Demi w girl.
She, she called me up. She was like, she was like the, I can see that you’re going through, you see that you’re going through some things and that you’re definitely processing definitely processing some things. I think this was after I published my blog where I, I took and put the, the, the, the, the fucking sex messages that I found, which is still on my website.
I suggest you go look at it. I put, I put, I put my ex’s sex messages he sent to his I don’t know what the hell do you call them? His side pieces or I don’t know [00:36:00] the people. He was fucking behind my bag. You know, I put all that shit out there for the, for the world to see and review, because everywhere I go, I come across pretty much every time I step foot outta my house, I come across some woman who’s been hurt by a narcissistic man.
It’s not, you know, ever since this has happened, I, I keep, these people are continuously brought across my path day after day after day after day after day. But girl, I kind of got tired of saying it, you know, where I went. So I just put shit on the internet. I’m like, okay, clearly this is happening a lot, girl.
Go over there and read it because it make great wine night. You know, I, you know, girls, you know, you can get, you get, get you some wine, some ice cream, some fucking chocolate. Put you some Taylor Swift on and read through all my ex’s messages and then, and then, then talk about how you felt when you got cheated on too.
Because I’m not the only person who’s come across shit like this, you know? And I need my girls to know that you’re not alone. We might as well make it fun. You know, [00:37:00] he done went out and had his damn fun. Fuck it. We, it is our time now. But look, we know how to have fun without stepping on people in the process.
Now. Now ain’t that a damn difference. But yeah. You know, my friends called me, they were like, girl, you know, basically they could see that I was breaking the fuck down, you know, and coming undone. And I’m so thankful that you know that, that my friends feel like they can approach me. They feel like they can approach me, you know?
You know? And that they know that we can, we can have an intelligent conversation and that I’m open to the criticism from them and I don’t act like they’re trying to attack me or trying to devalue my experience and what I’m going through. They just check it in because they’ve seen me this way before.
You know? Usually I’m, you know, more collected, more having my shit together, you know, rage, anger, you know? And these are not emotions that I court on a consistent basis. Now that I’ve gotten rid of my [00:38:00] ex, I don’t have any anger anymore. He was the only person I would ever argue with. You know, I don’t feed off of negativity.
So that shit would lead me torn down, you know? I don’t like to argue why, you know, I can breathe. I could have the sun on my skin. I don’t have some diseases that keeps me in a hospital where I can’t go out mixed with people. I can feed myself. I can go to the bathroom. There’s too much for me to be thankful for, to be sitting around arguing.
When people argue, usually it, no, when people argue is due to a lack of perspective. I lapse a perspective arguing over what, you know, I used to go volunteer with teenagers who were stuck in hospitals because they had cancers that prevented them from leaving the hospital room because of their immune system.
Teenagers, now, you know, that should be out experimenting. You know, we’re accustomed to them at that point. Being out experi, experimenting with life, you [00:39:00] know, they should be going to proms and shit. Not stuck in a hospital room playing video games because of a, because of an immune system issue. Because of a cancer.
Okay. Yeah. There’s nothing that I’m going to be complaining about because God has been good to me and I have a very blessed life. Oh yeah, I got some problems in it, but ain’t nothing worth me coming to, like, blows in the street or raising my voice over hell nah. You know, as we say in meditative and healing circles, I’m going to choose to think positive and I’m going to choose to surround myself with positive people.
All that toxicity has to get the fuck up out of my life. Cause it simply will not do.
And like I said, it, it, it has been a struggle. A struggle like you would not believe. It is hard to get over. It’s hard, it’s hard to, it, it is hard to detox from being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality [00:40:00] disorder. I didn’t really miss him. At least not specifically, you know, it was like the strangest thing.
But
the thing is either you’re going to struggle, sustain with a narcissist or you’re going to struggle dealing with the process of leaving the narcissist. What is guaranteed is that either way, once you get close to somebody who is narcissistic personality disorder or an N P d as I’ll call them moving forward, the struggle is g is, is, is guaranteed to happen.
There is no peace with these people because they don’t have peace within them. There are several psychologists that referred to Narc Npds as as, as vampires the Walking Dead, you know, because of the chaos and the [00:41:00] conflicting, you know, on the one hand they, they want relationships like all humans do, cuz that’s how we were designed.
But on the other hand, they don’t feel like they’re really truly worthy of them. And so they go about this way of self-destructing themselves. And so then their self-fulfilled prophecy becomes the very things that they are afraid are going to happen to them. Not because they would have happened to them, but because the narcissist makes it happen to themselves and then they blame everybody else and or they blame themselves.
And then that turns into all kinds of like shame and self-hate and they just don’t realize that they’re caught up in, in a web of negativity. The devil has them in their grips and they, them people have never known happiness. All they know is bitterness. So if you get involved with somebody like that, honey, you will have a bitterness in your life.
You will not be happy because they’re not happy. They have been hurt and they wanna go out and [00:42:00] hurt other people because they don’t have the boldness or the wherewithal or the whatever to, to, to get their shit together. I did an episode and I just pretty much talked about, you know, healing to people within N P D.
The situation isn’t permanent. I don’t care how many people say narcissists don’t change. Yeah, they hardheaded motherfuckers. They are, but that don’t mean that none of them change. I’ve known two people, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, just fucking two, but still two dudes who have gotten better. They’ve, they went to therapy and did whatever the fuck and have gotten to a point where they can see.
How they were. And, and they can spot it when it comes up. And then therefore they are able to have healthy relationships with people. But they had to go to therapy and do the work. You know, you can’t, you know, if somebody has N P d, they’ve gotta go back and find what the hell made them become that way.[00:43:00]
Where do the neuro pathways, when are you operating in that energy and when are you not? You know, you have to do some honest fucking work to really, really, to get, to get on top of yourself like that. But you can, until then, you know, you, you just, you know, they just bring hell with them everywhere they go work.
Not just, not just romantic relationships. Them people are just difficult to be around, period. So you are either gonna struggle trying to stay with a person like that, or you’re gonna struggle dealing with the aftermath of leaving them, but you’ve going to have a struggle on way or the fucking other, I’ve been reading in Raquel learner’s book that I’m gonna be covering upcoming episodes, the object that my affection is in, my reflection, you know, breaking free of, you know, healing from, from, from narcissism, from narcissistic abuse.
And in there it has all of these details and all of these recommendations that if you’re gonna stay with a narcissist, [00:44:00] you know what you can do. It is a lot, it’s a lot. Holy fuck shit. Like, like, it’s a lot of work. It’s like, and it’s like when I was with my ex, it was like towards the end of it, I was like, wait a minute, I’m not even enjoying this relationship anymore, because it’s so hard to just still like, be in the room with you because of the arguing and the gas lighting and manipulating.
It’s like, it’s, it’s like I can’t really just exist in this relationship and just be because of how much tension, you know, that he carried.
So some of my lessons that I’ve learned, Do not compromise to the point of sacrificing your values and core principles because you have those principles and values for a fucking reason. And look, the narcissist is not going to respect you. If they can see, they can break you and get you to to compromise.
Like my fortune cookie, I, God said, compromise is great until you start sacrificing principles. So there’s [00:45:00] a point where we compromise too far. There is a point where we compromise too far, us empathetic people like to compromise and work with people and see what we can do to help and all that. People within N P D look at, look at us like we’re weak and like we’re silly and that we’re easy and that we’re easily taken advantage of.
From the, from the first time I took Ethan out, like on our first date, he was already, I fucking every dude in the room. Not that there’s a problem with checking on other people, but then there’s a point, the way he was doing it because he is a sex addict, that it was too far and it was extremely disrespectful.
And I would have to repeat questions that I’m, that I would ask him or things that I was saying because he was so lost in his sexual desire towards other men. That is when you’ve taken it too damn far, my friend. And from the beginning he was like, oh, I wasn’t looking at his ass, I was looking at the floor.
You know, I knew he was lying. And I [00:46:00] just was like, okay, it’s not that major. I’m not gonna make a big deal out of it. But the problem was by doing that, I began to train Ethan that I can be tricked, that I can be manipulated, that I can be fooled, and that it’s okay to do so. I basically gave him permission to treat me bad and then not that it’s okay for him to have done that, you know, there’s a shame on him for having done that.
But and taking advantage of my niceness that way and my willingness to be flexible. But. But that was a compromise. You know, that’s something that I would not do to him, but I allowed him to do that to me. You know, and in my head I’m thinking, well, I don’t wanna come off as too particular or too whatever.
What I have learned is that in dealing with regular friends or business associates, you know, wiggle room, like that might be one thing. Like if I had a friend who I thought was a sex addict and they just couldn’t stop looking at everyone [00:47:00] everywhere, I’d be like, girl, I might wanna get it together, but whatever, you know?
But when you gonna be conjoined with somebody and a romantic embrace, you have to be extremely picky. You know, because there’s too much, there’s too much exchange that happens. You take on their ways and shit after you’ve been with them for a while, and you do not, once you take on the, the, the mentality or the ways of the mindset of a narcissist.
Cause they know happiness in their minds, you know? And then I was from the beginning of our relationship, I was therefore made to feel like I had to defend myself. You know? I couldn’t just relax and be, you know? Cause every time we go out and there he goes, Oling, whomever, you know, but wouldn’t give me a compliment.
You know, that, that, that was the imbalance to my nurse’s narc is gonna pull you in two different directions like that. That’s just, it’s just what they do. But if you [00:48:00] sit there and let them do it, they’re just going to keep on doing it because that’s the only way they know how to live. So don’t compromise to the point of sacrificing your principles is if you do, they’re going to just see that they can disrespect you.
You’re not being as good as you think that you are. One of the main things that I took away from my time in Mexico when I was just there like last week during all them psych yummy psychedelics and shit. Is that I had it twisted. I used to think I’m supposed to do like God first. Then whoever my significant other was or is then myself, you know, everyone else, they said, no, you have to put yourself before everyone and this is not anything I’ve ever heard before.
And you have to at least not tell told in this way, but you have to put your, put, put, put God first and get yourself sorted out spiritually cuz he is your source. You know, not you. And then you gotta put yourself next [00:49:00] because if you don’t take care of yourself, then there’ll be no you, there won’t be enough of you to take care of anyone else.
So I used to think, I put Ethan before myself, Ethan before myself, and I did, you know, but all that, you know, it didn’t, it didn’t change anything. All it did was make me tired and worn out, used, drained, depleted.
You know, if I had to do over again when I saw that he wasn’t able to adjust to my request to treat me with respectful out in public or to stop thinking him out in public, you know, or would’ve stopped dealing with him at all. Because clearly, you know, he’s a disrespectful individual, that he just grew to do worse things, you know, as he got older because people grow in their ability to be a narcissist.
You know, you don’t just start off that way, you know, they, they, at least not to the most [00:50:00]extreme versions of it that we see. Not usually not from what I’ve observed and researched, you know. So what I did was watch Ethan grow. When I met him, when he was 20, 21, when I left him, when he was like 26, 27. I watched him grow in his ability to be a narcissist and just to get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.
Because narcissism, narcissist personality disorder is not something that’s going to disappear and poof, go away overnight. You either tend to the shit and deal with the issues you’re toting around or just become fucking worse. I see this in my family. There’s people who are still fucking narcissist to this damn day and they’re all older than me cuz I’m the youngest and they haven’t changed shit.
You know, they could have, it’s there on the table that want to. So if you’re gonna stay if you’re going to stay with, with, with somebody who has n p d honey, be, be prepared for a fight. Change is [00:51:00] possible, but you gonna really have to be in them trenches. Be sure you, be sure you believe they’re worth it because the other, other fish in the sea do.
Another lesson is do not do more for someone than they’re willing to do for themselves. Look, people with N P D seek out empathetic people to to leach off of. They want our energy, they want all that love that we have in us to be showered upon them, but they don’t actually wanna do anything to change.
Okay? They, they just don’t like, like my ex used to say, like he wanted me and his mom to keep giving him good advice and good suggestions, but he was really slow about actually using any of it and doing anything. You know? So let me get this straight. You want us to be thinking about ways to help you and you want us to give you this attention, but you want to [00:52:00] stay the same because if he were to get fixed or fixed, if he were to be made whole and be healed, well then there wouldn’t be any reason for us to continue to give suggestions or anything.
And I was there. The same reason why people in p d don’t want to forgive people of the things they’ve done. Because if they forgive everybody, well then they can’t really play the victim anymore. Now, can they? However, like our boy from Sa Savage Garden told us, you know, Darren Hayes, forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness.
So by, by an narcissist trying to hold on to every fucking thing, they control everything and trying to manipulate and everything like that, they again, are the architect of their own demise, baby, you gotta learn to let it go. Let it go, let it go, let it go. But let’s stop holding their hands. Don’t be making these appointments for them and doing every [00:53:00] goddamn thing.
You know, I used to, to do to, to, I really did way too much for Ethan. But you know, when I saw that he’s capable, you know, very aggressively going out there and seeking sex with strange men, you know that, that that dude sent 43 texts in 30 minutes to that person he cheated on the day that he ha had covid.
Not counting that, that other dude’s responses back to Ethan, who in the fucking text 40. And Ethan does not talking to a smart watch or anything like that, his fingers just moved really, really fast because he is married to his phone. You know you know, I’m saying all this to say, they gonna do what the fuck they really want to do.
They’re out there doing it anyway. You just don’t know. I’m, say that again. You’re, if you’re in a relationship with someone in N P D, you best believe they’re out there fucking who they wanna fuck talking to, who they wanna talk to, flirting with, who they wanna talk to. [00:54:00] They don’t give a damn about you.
They like what you can do for them and what you represent. It was a mind fuck for me to understand that I had been in a relationship with somebody for five years who really wasn’t anyone with me. But again, that’s shame on him. That’s not shame on me. It was real for me though. It was not real for him. It was a dream, it was a fantasy.
It was an extended grinder, hookup, you know, that sort of thing. I did meet him on an app and well, well, what? Okay, what, what, what, what should I have expected
when now when it becomes clear that they are not trying to change my next word of advice to use to leave, you know how many there is everyone, all the girls that I’ve talked to who, who are trying to deal with these men, there’s a common theme. We leave and then we take our fucking answers back. Or we keep trying to like rationalize what they’re doing.[00:55:00]
I’m going to say just if you live, if you, if you make it out that first time, bitch, don’t go back. I left Ethan once before years ago, and I wish I had stayed gone because he did not change. He had three chances. I mean, fuck this. Three strikes out shit, bitch. But as soon as you see somebody who’s not respecting you, fucking go because they are choosing not to.
And just like you’re choosing to be respectful, they’re choosing to be assholes or in their heads. If they think that the, their ass holiness is the way the world should work, then all the more reason. Because first strike, we were Ethan when we first got together. I got some kind of fucking s t d from him, you know, orally, I think, you know, orally because he, you know, is very, you know, into, into performing oral sex.
And so. [00:56:00] So, and about, I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, you know, he was out there playing the field and I was like, okay, fine. Do what you wanna do, just be respectful about it. Of course he couldn’t. And so he, he flew home to his home, stayed for like five days, came back and I’m talking to him about this disease and everything, and my physician assistant then, she never could figure it out.
They, they ran all kinds of tests and they could see my T-cells had shot up to like 1500 or something to 15 or 1800 to, to fight whatever the hell it was. But it wasn’t gonorrhea. It wasn’t chlamydia was, except, so we don’t fucking know. Ethan’s like, well I had a cold, so probably that was it. I’m like, why are you having sex with people when you know that you under the weather, okay, you’re nasty.
Stop that. Of course, years later, I mean, what’s a head cold? You know, he’s willing to go out and sleep with people and he has covid too. So you see, you see what I mean when I say they, they grow in [00:57:00] the things that they’re, they’re they’re willing to do to people. You know, and I asked Ethan, you know, on his trip, you know, is there any, is there any reason, because we’re looking at all of our s t d tests, all of our health records at the start of our relationship.
I said, is there any reason that these tests would be incongruent? In other words, I’m saying that you fuck on this quick five day trip that you took to see your family, that you whine and cod that you, you know, whining. Oh my God, I missed him so much. Okay, you only got five days. Two of those are travel days.
So yeah, of course he went to go bone somebody because he is a sex addict and, and they need that consistent validation and they can’t make it long without it. Again, this is why some psychotherapists referred to them as vampires because they have to keep consuming. And our relationship, Ethan wanted to have specifically when we were trying to be open, and I thought this was so odd, like when some, when stuff strikes you, it’s like kind of like odd and you kinda like, Tuck your head to the side or [00:58:00] like, raise an eyebrow.
Let us stop brushing past those things. It’s striking into your spirit that way for a reason, because the shit is, is, is is fucking throw it off. He wanted to have a certain number of fuck buddies, as he would call them. He never evolved beyond referring to sexual partners as fuck buddies or friends with benefits.
He never evolved beyond referring sex between us as fucking, not lovemaking or anything that even remotely bespoke emotional intimacy. It is just an action to him. And in the same way it goes for narcissist and sex addicts, it’s just, it doesn’t matter who, doesn’t matter who just feel the space. He wanted a certain amount, two or three.
It’s like he wanted to have them in like a rotation. And I said, okay. For me it was like, I would like to have the freedom so that if there is a, a connection that I should happen to come across so that I can explore it. He wanted to have them set and ready to go. You know, I didn’t [00:59:00] know, you know, what he was now, you know, but that all makes sense.
It was three months after our relationship started that it came out, you know, that he finally told me that he actually did sleep with somebody on that trip looking at the floors. He said it cuz he couldn’t look me in my face. And that is what put us in couples counseling for the first time because I felt so betrayed.
I’m like, well, how could you start our relationship knowing I had one set of facts and you had another set of facts you see? But in the mind of someone who has N P d, they, they get into their own head about what works in reality and what does it not. So you’re never gonna be on the same page with them because they don’t give a fuck about being on the same page with anyone but themselves.
I’m happy now that I can say this and keep pretty much a calm demeanor. I’m more like saying this is like a warning to you and letting you know what the fuck to look for. I tried to rationalize that away [01:00:00] and say, maybe it’s just like an immature thing. It made me all paranoid. I’m freaking out, I’m watching like the canary camera in, in the apartment that we were living in, thinking he’s gonna have dudes that have been there, which he probably did, you know?
And just can’t watch the things all the time. And you know, there’s that, when we broke up for, for those three weeks you know, he went out there and racked up, I don’t know, a couple of different fuck buddies as he called them. Now this is again, during Covid and everything, and they weren’t getting tested.
He didn’t make any friends, just more fuck buddies. This struck me as odd, but I was like, okay, but someone who complains about not having friends complains about me, supposedly holding you back from having friends, now you have freedom to go out and do whatever. So more people to sleep with, you know, it’s the best thing that he could come up with, okay.
Even knowing all this. So he tried to lie and say that he [01:01:00] had that one person that came over to his house that he didn’t sleep with and was just friends of I don’t believe that. I’m like, if you fucking everybody else, why not go for broke? There’s no reason to just have that one. You know? I don’t believe that at all.
And and then of course that then of course everything that I discovered, you know, on Christmas morning. So there, there, and this is what, maybe two years apart with, with each of these indiscretions. See, there’s no change. You know, I don’t feel like it should have taken me, you know, three chances with him to get this.
But I was, this my first relationship that’s gone this long. I was trying to be merciful and trying to be patient, but in the mind of a narcissist, all I was to him was more weak. He didn’t think I was actually going to leave him. [01:02:00] He didn’t think I was. Also try not to engage with arguing because it only feeds their narcissism.
It’s like, it’s like, it’s like when, when, when Ethan would, would, would get into these fights and there would be a clear path to peace, he would abort that path and divert from it just to keep the argument going.
Like, so he would say stuff like in the last argument that we ever had, he was trying to draw this bizarre comparison. That was way either one of his best friends from back in his home stayed talking about something from him. And I was like, how on earth would I know that about him? And Ethan was like, well, you should just know, okay, this, this is, when you’re dealing with somebody who is not remotely concerned about peaceful resolution, they just say the most random stuff.[01:03:00]
You know, I just, I looked at him, you know, it’s like af af after almost five years this, and after all the counseling that we’ve been through together and individually, the best that you could come up with is tell me that I should just know something and you think that I’m going to accept this. That’s how dumb he thought that I was.
And so I see narcissist and my family do this to females too, and they’ve been together a hell of a lot longer. It is difficult for them to change again, it’s not impossible, but you are not going to be the one probably that can honestly help them because. That, that that person with Narciss personality disorder also has neuro pathways that have been developed and they’ve gotten accustomed to being able to manipulate you and to treat, you mean, and to treats you bad.
They’re not gonna be able to change and [01:04:00] heal and you’re not gonna be able to change and heal if y’all are still all upon each other. They’re still in a relationship because you have learned, you learned to accept the abuse he’s learned to give it to you, in my opinion. You know, and one of the main reasons why I had to, why I, why I left Ethan was because I knew I couldn’t heal by constantly being exposed to the person who broke me.
And the best thing I did for him was to step away from him so that he can either destroy himself in his habits and vices, or having the knowledge that has been given to him because, because he was trained, you know, I know I trained him in the ways of the spirit and the ways of God. And I also introduced him to psychotherapy.
So if he wants to get his shit together, he can get his shit together or he can stay better the entirely up to him. But I understood that this was not something that was ever going to happen. If I stayed with him, I [01:05:00] wasn’t gonna get better. And he was never going to stop being dependent on me in the way that he was.
And it’s no different. I believe for many of y’all’s situations too, you wanna help them, but you have got to push away and, and let them help themselves or let them destroy themselves because it’s not, you cannot control them. You got your own life to live. You weren’t designed, God did not make you to sit here and babysit.
Narcissistic man, babies, child things, or whatever the fuck you know. You know, you can describe that. You can’t.
There’s a woman on YouTube, her name is Dr. Ramani, who deals a lot, lot with this sort of thing. She says it like this, when you see, when you get ready to leave a narcissist, that sometimes they’ll start to act right and shit like that. You know, requests that you’ve made and things like that, that you just didn’t think they heard, understood, comprehended or whatever.
[01:06:00] Suddenly they start doing it. They start being nice. They started doing everything. You know, with Ethan, I had, I, I mean, I went back and took all the clothes I ever gave him back. But, you know, I, I would always tell him, you know, why don’t you put on brighter clothes instead of like those dark colors and, you know, it’s too depressing and everything, you know, suddenly he, you know, went out and got all these bright plaid shirts and I’m like, okay, so you do this and you just chose not to do what the fuck I asked.
Right? So, so they, but Dr. Ramani says it like this. What you’re looking at is a, is a, is it’s a spiritual bypass. She says it’s a pseudo healing, something she calls narcissistic naval gazing. Naval gazing is, is is something that you could describe as being so wrapped up in yourself that you lose track of the world around you.
That’s, that’s like what naval gazing is like being very tunnel vision in a way. What so singularly focused on yourself? Pretty much. And [01:07:00] so Dr. Armani says they get into this narcissistic naval gazing by stating all the therapy and the things that they’re doing, you know, trying to, trying to say that. So like, so my ex would be like, look, I’m going to therapy, aren’t I true?
He did physically go to therapy, but then he also lied to all of us in the room. You know, you know that that’s the other half of that in their head. They’re like, I showed up and I gave you the gift of me. So Dr. Ramani says when they, when they tried to. List out their accomplishments and say how good they are.
She says, she calls this like a healing porn or recovery porn. She says they are going, they, they are doing, they’re doing all these things, yet they continue to go through the world in a monstrous, entitled, dismissive, contemptuous way. Basically, Dr. Ramani is saying, fuck what these narcissists say and judge them by their goddamn actions.[01:08:00]
We can’t go off of words. And then my, and then my last direct piece of advice is just to say don’t take anything they say and do personally, especially once you leave, because everything that they’ve ever said and done is a reflection of them. And it’s no different for you. We will be judged, you know, by God, based on how we lived our life and what we did to people, not what they did to us.
Okay? I’m gonna tell you, people with Narcis narcissistic personality disorder will move on, will seem to move on quicker from, from, from your relationship because, well, they never showed up to the, to, to the bastard to begin with. They were never fully present and they know how to be fake. You know, that’s a skill that they’ve mastered.
So it’s really easy for them to hide their emotions and then go run, excuse me, and then go run, [01:09:00] find somebody else to be all upon or to get sex from or whatever. And then they don’t process the emotion. They, they stuff it down in them and add it to the whole litany of the other things that they’re running around.
They’re better about something that, so they can turn around and play the victim and everything like that, and, but they don’t understand that they’re killing themselves, you know, very, very slowly. But, but very, very, You know, surely, although gradually by, by having unprocessed pain and trauma and a lot of it’s self condemnation, you know the body can only take so much
in, in one eastern. Hmm. I will say school of thought, you have like yin yang and I think the other one is like, you know, chin, which has, has to do like just with like life essence. Just like life force. It’s neither [01:10:00] masculine or feminist, just the essence of just being alive. And basically the thinking is that once you run out of that is when you die.
And what people with N P D don’t understand is that, you know, every thing time they go out and hurt somebody else and do, do all this manipulative, crazy shit. They’re, they’re, they’re like sapping their own life force away by toting unresolved negative emotions. They are zapping their own life force where you only have so much a life force in you, you, you’re killing yourself.
And but, but, but, but when you see the, these exes of yours out with their new persons or whatever child, don’t take it personally. During the, during that first breakup that I had with, with Ethan, and I mean it only, we took him like the next day he went to go look up an old fuck buddy. And then like five days later he was naked with some dude, [01:11:00] you know, at the time I felt insulted and I was like, damn, all these years together and that, that it doesn’t take you, but like, what a second to put your ass up in the air for someone else.
I thought this was special. It’s not that. None, none of what he did, had anything to do with me. He even said one of the few true statements that he said in the five years we were together was that just because he was running around out there doing all that doesn’t mean that he was happy. So this means that he knowingly and willingly goes out there and has sex with people knowing is, is completely miserable.
He just can’t sit still. There’s gotta have something to do, can’t pray, meditate. I don’t know, read a book, you know, do you know, go do some counseling or, or something. There’s a million things you can do in this world, but which you will be judged by how you chose to spend your time. And we can judge you or we can assess the sort of person you are about how you choose to spend your time.
There’s only so many hours in a day. You know, I was, I was all [01:12:00] like fucked up and offended about that. But now, this time around, I’m proud to say yet again, I’ve grown. I don’t really give a damn who the fuck he’s out there fucking or sleeping with way. I, I mean, of course it’s going to happen because he’s a sex addict and I understand that just the same as myself.
Anything I choose to do is me. So y’all, when you see this, this, this, this ex of yours out there with some person that don’t mean that you were a bad partner. Don’t mean you were bad spouses, me were a bad lover or anything. It just means that they’re fake as hell and that they’ve, they haven’t processed their emotions and they’ve moved, they’ve done what they’ve always do and found a next, the next space filler.
Okay, they found the next space filler. It doesn’t matter,
you know, it doesn’t matter. Like I said, who it is, I used to think Ethan was so like, [01:13:00] Like sexually open and minded and so sexually flexible because he just seemed to be attracted to like so many different sort of dudes and things like that. I was like, wow, this is very open-minded of him. But now understanding more like what he is I’m talking about doesn’t matter.
Older guys, younger guys, fat, skinny, certain pinch of her African, African American males. But it’s difficult to, to see this variety that he would be interested in. Like he does. He never had like a type, you know, the type for him was just like warm-blooded and with a soul. And now it makes sense because he, a narcissist doesn’t really give a damn who you are.
They give a damn what they can get from you. And so, so when you see, you see your, your a narcissist, your ex narcissist out there with somebody, it doesn’t mean that that person’s more special. It doesn’t mean they actually like them. That’s just, that’s just what they could reach out and get their hands on or to suck them dry.
You know, the person that [01:14:00] my ex cheated with and the guy he gave covid to when I was trying to get an understanding of what all they did together, which was another lie he’d told cause he didn’t tell me everything. You know, he, my ex actually turned to me and said, you know, he didn’t, he, he was like, do you think I actually care for that dude or liked him?
I was like, you think that’s a compliment that you’re telling me that you think that you don’t, that you wouldn’t spend all this time with this dude, him covid. And just to say you don’t, you never liked him anyway. You know, you know, people like this actually go out into the world and say, I’m gonna go have sex with this person or engage with this person whatever way.
And I don’t like them, but I’m gonna do it anyway. Okay. Y’all wanna be careful about that. There are studies that show like how on an emotional level,
The emotional range of like, say, sex and like murder are not actually that far from one [01:15:00]another. You can look it up some damn where on Google and, you know, and find the more of that shit out on your own. But that’s why they say it’s a thin line in between. Love and hate sex is a very vulnerable thing.
Relationship’s a very vulnerable, you don’t take that much of a switch to go from, you know, really, really liking somebody really fucking hating somebody when you are already open and exposed, you know, to this person. But don’t take it personal and don’t take it personal, you know, with the things that they go out there and do.
I’ve read, I read another article where narcissist like to keep trophies and tokens. So that means like if say you gave him a neck tie, you might see him out with some other girl wearing the neck tie you gave him. It’s not, ne doesn’t necessarily mean try not to read anything into that. Like, he might not be trying to be disrespectful.
Could be because he never got over you. You know, and, and you know, they’re not gonna [01:16:00]sit still and not do nothing. They’re gonna go find a way to serve themselves of humans. And so it’s really sick and twisted. But that’s something that they might do, like literally worth something that you gave them out with a new person and it’s only been like a week since y’all broke up or off the fucking next day with some of them.
You never know.
So a website called psych central.com Oh lists. It has an article on there and I’ll put it in the show notes. It says, how does cheating, how does, how does being cheated on affect the brain? And it says, love insofar as being a factory for releasing dopamine and triggering feelings of euphoria can feel addictive to your brain.
So the rejection caused by infidelity can cause several changes in the brain pathways similar to withdrawal and substance use disorder. [01:17:00] Rejection can cause short and long, long-term consequences to your brain. Chemistry being in love produces more oxytocin and dopamine in our brains. That infidelity can disrupt the pathways that cause the release of these chemicals in our brain.
This how I was saying earlier, like, you get addicted to these people, to these narcissists, and you get your, you, you, you train your mind to stay in a relationship with them. They’re good at putting on a show. You know, you, you know, you see Donald Trump do this all the time. Look, look at what he’s done to the Republican party.
They don’t know who they are anymore. The Republican party has lost their identity and why? Because somebody who wasn’t even a politician talked enough shit and a lot enough voice in a certain way that he was [01:18:00] able to use certain authority and come in and move into a territory that he should not have been in.
Okay? This is the exact same thing that people would narcissistic personality do. They strip you of your identity and then you feel like you can’t get away from them? The Republican party cannot free themselves of Donald Trump. Some of them don’t want to. They can quantify the damage that he’s done to the party, just like we can when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
We know they’re hurting us, but for some reason we just can’t get away. Okay? I’m telling you, it is like you’re addicted, bitch. You better leave him and go through your fucking withdrawals girl, because. Because the long-term prognosis is not very good for you. Should you try to stay with somebody who’s a narcissist suffering with N P d?
I [01:19:00] have seen this kind of turn into what looked like a dementia. Okay. On one person who had been with a, someone with N P D for a really long time, it’s like all of the shit that he had done to her started to like, come together. Okay.
Pain and trauma. And you can turn into all kinds of like, I mean, God forbid, but it, I mean it can turn into like cancer and shit. I guess. I learned that I was getting my massage therapy license. How, how trauma it, it enters into us. It as, you know, as an emotion in the body has to do something with it or, you know, repeated exposure and exposure without getting rid of it.
It can turn into a knot. And sometimes, you know, we’d be massaging somebody, you press that knot and then they, they burst out in tears and started crying. Not because you pressed too hard, but because whatever, whoever hurt them or whatever happened, [01:20:00] it went into them and that person did not process it out and then it showed back up as a physical manifestation.
We don’t know everything about the body. We don’t know everything about the spirit world. We don’t know everything about the mind. We don’t know everything about our emotions.
I have, I have, I have read where cheating can cause like a temporary insanity in the people who got cheated on.
Okay. You know, sometimes, you know, the, the woman, whoever got cheated on will just like space out, black out. They might hurt their children, they might hurt themselves. They might go and do some shit like it just. You know, my, my mind was stretching this way. Like I told you the first time Ian did something that I thought was, you know, unfaithful, you know, I’m checking the cameras and shit like that, you know, towards the, the end.
This, this third time he did that, [01:21:00] it was the same way, but it didn’t last nearly as long because like, you know what, I’ve been through this before. You know, why am I sitting here on my cell phone trying to watch where your car is when, you know, on any given day, night of the week, any hour of the day, you might pop up over to someone’s house or have them over to yours and, and, and, and fuck.
Anyway, you know, you know, why the hell am I stressing over this? There are, there are women who I’ve come across that have to give their men like, lie detector test and shit. Girl,
fuck, fuck, fuck. They have to, they have to administer him lie detector test and shit because she can’t believe anything is coming out of his mouth or have mercy Jesus. And so this is not good for our brains. This is not good for our hearts. Our emotions isn’t good at all [01:22:00] trying to deal with, with a, with a fucking x y chromosome male to the extent that we had to give them lie detector test.
How about we go find somebody who knows how to tell the fucking goddamn truth and be done with it?
So just be cognizant of your health cuz this is costing you more than what you think. So what if you leave him and he goes, sticks his dick in someone else, he’s doing it anyway. I keep saying that because cheating and narcissist personalities disorder go hand in glove. They run in tandem with each other.
Most narcissists that I have researched and come across don’t mind going to go fuck whoever, no matter what their vows were that they took. Narcissists don’t regard vows. They just take those things in the present, in front of people or whatever. Then, then when their [01:23:00] sickness kicks in in their head, it makes them rationalize out, out of the vow that they took.
You see, I, I have read, I have read where people who do the cheating also get hit with like a type of temporary insanity where they don’t really exactly remember everything leading up to it or necessarily why. That’s for them to sort out and it doesn’t excuse their shit, because then they need to go set their ass in front of a therapist, you know, and get, get, get, get, get, get, get the, get the shit figured out.
You know, Ethan, Ethan would say he doesn’t know why he cheated. He may have been telling the truth, but the point is, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who I have to guess at what they’re saying. I need to be in a relationship with somebody who, I don’t have to guess what they’re saying, but the narcissist is always gonna be, they might be telling the truth.
They might not be telling the truth. Usually they’re gonna give you a mixture, an advantageous, advantageous to [01:24:00] them mixture of truth and lies. It’s gonna be truth mixed with lies. Before I met Ethan, you know, I couldn’t sit still. My nerves were bad. I didn’t have a very pleasant relationship with myself.
I didn’t love myself. I didn’t fully accepted myself. You know, I got my, my first cat, Mr. Felix d Cat. You could find pictures of him sometimes on social media. You know, just to have a, you know, another warm blooded being in the house, you know, just so it wouldn’t feel so damn lonely. You know, my, my apartment, what I should have done was sit down and try to get that emotion sorted out instead of going to run, get in a relationship.
And I kept bothering God for a boyfriend. For a boyfriend, and he finally gave me one. And really, God wasn’t trying to give me, you know, a boyfriend. He kept pushing them away and pushing them away. Well, [01:25:00] as they say, be careful what you wish for. Every evangel is Nelson. And what I always say, you know, you know, stop bothering God for stuff and he’ll give it to you when you, when you’re ready.
I pressed him on this and well, you know, here we are. Really, Ethan and I were both broken. You know, I had the church all up in my head, you know, and everything trying to tell me I’m gonna go to help or not being straight, blah, blah, blah, you know, and just you know, just so much going on. He had his own issues.
Neither one of us were ready for a relationship. You know what I’m thankful for is that when I left, you know, that relationship, you know, I wasn’t I wasn’t, you know, I’m not like that anymore. you know, I was totally, you know, I’m totally cool. Just, you know, just chilling. I can, you know, set still, Blaze Pascal is a poet who said that all of humanity’s problems, stem commands, [01:26:00] inability to sit quietly in a room alone. All of humanity’s problems stem for man’s inability to set quietly in a room alone. What is Blaze talking about? People not being able to set the fuck down and just be present with their emotions and the sit still.
You know, this is how I was at the beginning. You know, when I met Ethan this time, I’m not in a rush. I’m not rushing for anything. You know, everything will happen when it’s time. And I, I can see the difference. I am glad that I grew during this relationship. I evolved, I got stronger. I have greater vision.
You know, my, my, my third eye is more open. And then I can go back and look up at how I’ve been impacted by other people in my life who are also high level narcissists and I didn’t realize, and it helped me to make sense out of the things [01:27:00] that they had done, you know, the victim playing and things like that. Things that you should just scratch my head.
I would go, how in the hell can you take, you know, like, like with that sibling of mine who I’ve told y’all before, tried to take like me being homeless and say that they had a bad experience from it. Things like that, you know, like, huh? Oh wait, you and them m p d people. Okay, I get it. Chaun was worrying about it.
I totally get it. No, like, you know, I’m, I’m like smiling everything now, but for those of you who follow the show, you heard how like, my voice dropped, you know, like pretty much for this previous like five, six months. I cannot believe it has been that long. That was this January, February, March, April, may, yeah, going on five, six months As I found those texts, it feels like it just happened like an hour ago, like a second ago or some shit.
I’m all [01:28:00] like, happy and rejoicing and shit now, but bitch, I didn’t know how it was gonna go. It was so touch and go with me. It hurt to let, to let my to let my boyfriend go. You know, my, you know, my, my, you know, my little, my, my little Ethan as, as I would call him, you know, watching him grow from that, like, like that 20, 21 year old, you know, until like a, a, you know, a full grown ass man and seeing his body go through those, the changes, the last growth spur and everything, all that was very endearing to me.
However, that’s not who he really was, but I had to, to cry out and to process out whatever it was that I thought he was, even though consciously I had come to learn that he’s a liar and a manipulator and he doesn’t mind, you know, killing [01:29:00] people just so he can have sex and get his validation, you know, that’s not the person who I thought that I was in love with a relationship with.
I, the person who I thought I knew would not have been someone capable of that, especially being so well, whatever about it, you know? So, what am I saying is I fell in love with the fantasy. I, I missed that fantasy. I, I fell in love with the hopes of what he could be or what we could be together rather than looking at what he was.
I’ve learned the emotion of like really, really fucking hating somebody and yet being physically attracted to them at the same time too, because when all this had happened, it’s like, I fucking hate you. I’m still turned on by you. So like, I guess we’ll have sex, you know? And I’ve heard people saying this before for years.
I was like, oh, no, fuck would that work? And so well, yeah, because again, that’s another neural pathway I got accustomed to having sex with him. But just because I know that this new information is here [01:30:00] and we’re not gonna be able to stay together and doesn’t automatically cut off sexual attraction, I ain’t sexually attracted to him anymore.
Oh, that’s over. But but yeah, that, that shit was like really fucked up, you know, like in January, like, like sleeping with him for like, the last few times and I’m like knowing that this is gonna be like the last times, you know, I had got accustomed to this shit after half a decade, you know, there’s nothing like having dick on demand bitch, you know?
But there were, you know, thank God I inherited the damn prostate massager from the relationship because I’m gonna tell you that bitch comes in handy. It’s such an interesting thing. You know, I couldn’t use that prostate massager while I was in a relationship with him. But it is like, now that I’m no longer with him, it’s like my body has let so much tension go.
It’s [01:31:00] like, it’s like, it’s like I had all this tension in me. I didn’t realize that it crept in over time. My body can accept that thing now and I couldn’t before. When I wear earrings, I can keep them in my ear like all day. Before I could only keep them in for like a few minutes or maybe like 30 minutes.
And then it, it would just, I would just be in pain. And now it’s just like, it is like, they don’t even phase me. You know? That, that relationship had so much attention bottled up in me that I didn’t realize was there. And now I, I’m free flowing in ways that I wasn’t.
I had to unlearn caring for Ethan though because I had, I mean, not just planning to have sex with him for the rest of my life and having to adjust that down. You know, I had plans to, you know, for all these ideas and things of how to make his life better and stuff. Cause I was always thinking about ways not to fix him, but, you know, fuck, if you gonna be in a relationship with somebody, we all need [01:32:00] to be improving, right?
I had to, I had to mourn the fact that, okay, I’m not going to get to care for him anymore. So that means no more cooking for him, no more, you know, doing whatever the fuck it was that I used to do to, to try to make him feel better, to make his life better. You know, I had to, you know, all of that was like something that was dying.
But like I said, I should’ve been putting myself first this whole time when it, when the thought occurred to me that I didn’t want to come across any pictures of him going through and deleting all the pictures and the videos and look, don’t get caught up on them cute photos and videos, and you go in there to delete them and you do need to go in there to delete them.
You know? I found myself stopping and looking at, you know, his 20, 21 year old self and, and everything and going through the video when he graduated from L S U and stuff like that, and how excited he was and video when I bought him his gaming [01:33:00] PC and all of that on, on, on that one birthday. And, you know, and I’m glad I took that fucking PC back because that’s not, that’s not something he ever deserved, you know?
But it was like a nostalgic moment. And I had to sit there and tell myself, okay, in these videos, in these pictures, he looks like this cute, innocent kid. But in reality, he’s a stark raving narcissist who does not mind giving people covid when he goes out to cheat and have affairs. That is who he really is.
Not the cute person from the photos, not the cute person from my memories, you know?
But it, you know, but I, I, it deleting these pictures, like the final thing. So we don’t talk anymore, we don’t text. It was like, he, it was like I was attending his funeral. It was like he died, like, for real. It was like the last of it was gone. [01:34:00] And I cried bitterly, bitter fucking tears because it was like once that, once the videos were gone, it’s like, I’m never gonna be able to hear his voice again.
You know? You know, he’s like gone, gone. On the day that I did this was when I, I texted a few people, my HNO therapist, my licensed social worker, you know, a couple of friends, you know, you know, I didn’t, I didn’t wanna put myself back into yet another fucking hospital. And so I was like, okay, maybe I’ll just reach out this time.
And, you know, and I did. Unfortunately, my friends were quite faithful and good to me and everything. But I look like when the Bible talks about God being a present help in trouble, these last five, six months, the spirit has been right here with me. I have not walked through these last five, six months.
I’ve been fucking carried. You remember that footprints poem, whatever the fuck it was. Footprints in the sand. [01:35:00] There’s only one track of footprints and the, and the writer’s like, you know, God, were, why weren’t you with me? Or Were you with me? Or whatever. Fuck Chick Case might be, and God’s like, you know, when the times when you saw just the one set of footprints when I carried you?
Well, bitch Jesus had me slung over his shoulder. Okay. You know, these last few months. Mm-hmm. Like the van had to be carried. I read with the way that my mind was, and on this day here, deleting these pictures that took, that took that, that, that took just so much out of me. That just took something out of me.
I didn’t know, I, I just didn’t have it to give, but it had to be done. You know, that I, and I actually like, yeah. I mean, I should learn how to reach out for help easier than what I do. You know? You think that’s one thing I’m hoping to like more learn and internalize, but I don’t, you know,[01:36:00]
but I made it through, you know, I made it through. And what I’ve learned is,
is like these tears come, like they, they would come, like, it started like around St. Patrick’s Day, you know, that was the first holiday that I would’ve had with him usually. And then we didn’t have that holiday, you know? And I was like, fuck. You know, and that didn’t mean the tears. That’s like, I wasn’t crying at all for like the first like two months after discovering these texts and or the, a month or so after realizing that, you know, I couldn’t stay with him.
And it’s like, it just hit me outta nowhere and I know how to handle it because it was, and I mean that we talking about snot all down everywhere, and the girl mascara on wig side where everything gone off, just little broke. I mean, girl, she was tragic. It just was, I don’t mean to put myself [01:37:00]down, but it was just, there’s no cute way to say it.
You know, that first fucking. That first fucking real breakup pride, not them cute little tears that I, that, I mean, I think on that day I called the Veterans Crisis Hotline and like everything okay, it was a lot going on up in here. You know, my cast looking at me like, meow, it’s meow.
And so, and then what I’ve observed is the months past, those instances of that sporadic crying that would hit me just come less and less and less. And now what I know is those tears is all the trauma and stuff getting out because after, after that the crying bowed or fit would, would pass, maybe not that day, but like the next day I would feel like I wasn’t even sad.
Now when it [01:38:00] happens, it’s like, then in the next moment I won’t be sad because I understand I’ve gotten used to it. A new pathway’s been developed, or that’s like, okay, so this is how these breakup tears work. You know, they just hit you outta fucking nowhere. And then once it’s gone, okay, but it’s the part of the process.
So I look forward to it is every tear I cry is less and less you know, more and more of that trauma getting out of me. But what the fuck did I actually lose? You know, again, perspective. I lost a burden. You know, that saying goes, I can do bad by myself. My worst enemies have not hurt me like my ex supposed partner did my enemies be standing over there talking around their mouth, calling me this and that?
Okay, yeah, that’s fine. But they don’t actually have any influence over me. You know, ability, you know, my ex got so close to me that he was able to do me like [01:39:00] quantifiable damage. Okay, so what did I lose? Pain, suffering, you know, sitting down to actually think about it. It’s like, what the fuck am I crying over again?
The dream I sold myself. I took seven days to just not text Ethan, not to talk to him or nothing like that. Seven days just to see if I missed him or just the thought of him. And it turned out just to be the thought of him. I had peace for those seven days in total fucking peace. And to break up with him though, I couldn’t even do, it’s over.
There’s nothing in my life that I’ve ever had to be like, oh, I need to drink to do this, or I need to, do I need to build up my nerves to get out on the dance floor? No, I ain’t that way. But I couldn’t face him and tell him that I was ending our relationship officially and give him the key to his town home back, and to give him his baby blanket back, which was a very special thing he had given me.[01:40:00]
But now I question, well, if I care to put any mental energy into it, I’ll just say it like this. I don’t believe his motives for having given me things like the baby blanket and or even the key to his app town home on one hand. On the other hand, it’s like, I can, I think I can see that he was really struggling to be as genuine as somebody with a narcissistic personality could be.
However, it never was going to connect because a person like him cannot move forward if they’re still gonna be holding on to bitterness from the past. It’s impossible. And so, but it doesn’t matter, you know, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t need closure on that. I just know it was all one big question mark.
I had to take my ass over to the deja vu smokes shop and get some weed gummies and take a whole big square. One of those bitches. And maybe have a cocktail or two to go with [01:41:00] it. I don’t fucking remember cuz I, by the time Ethan got over to my house for me to officially break up with him, I couldn’t even fucking see straight.
Okay. But I said, whatever the fuck I said. And going into the smoke shop, it was just so Girl shoulders was drunk, slumped down. Their head was slumped down. I look like Sad ass Loony Tunes Cartoon bitch at Bugs Bunny on, on her worst day. Okay. Just all deflated and fucking defeated. And it was hard, it was hard for me to look at somebody who I had grown such affection for and tell him that this is over, like for real.
And then after he left, I just don’t find, no, I just don’t even know it. It was, it, it, it, it was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life. And [01:42:00] what I’m proud of is that I did the damn thing. I did what needed to be done. I mourned for him. I don’t know if y’all are familiar with the story of like Samuel, the prophet Samuel and Saul from the Bible.
I think it was like in about the 15th chapter of shit, I think it’s First Kings or the Book of Samuel. I think it’s 15th chapter of Samuel. And and basically, I’m gonna actually read some of this to y’all because I haven’t, this came, the spirit brought his stuff to me the other day and I’m like, Saul, Saul was a narcissist too. The first tech, technically speaking, the first, you know, king of the nation of Israel. I’m gonna read this account. So you can hear the sort of way that Saul was answering the [01:43:00] prophet Samuel a seer.
Now somebody who, you know, can’t be fooled.
Cause I’ve never read it like this before. It was so interesting to me. But Saul was the first king and he fucked up and he got rejected from being king by God. And, and the relationship of, of the prophet and the king, then it was, it was very, very intimate. You know? And I mean, the prophet Yeah, the prophet and the king is very intimate.
And Samuel took, you know, Saul Saul’s experiences personally. And then, and the Bible tells us that Saul laid all night before God trying to get God to change his mind about rejecting a Saul from being king. And I think Saul was king for like 40 years. It was, it took some time, and we don’t know exactly, but maybe like 10 ish years at least for, for God to reject Saul, for him to be murdered.
Cuz he did not serve out his days [01:44:00] like in peace. And, and, and Samuel said what he had to say to Saul, which I’m gonna read. And then he mourned, you know, for Saul. He, he mourned for, for Saul, you know, because he had hope better for him. He could see a better future for him. But when God said it was time to break it off with him, he went and did what he had to do.
But then the Bible tells us that Samuel didn’t say anything to solve for the rest of his life, you know, but he still was sad about it, but he did what he had to do anyway. My emotions towards my ex are kind of like this, you know, I don’t, you know, miss our relationship. You know, I’m mourn because of how much growth that Ethan could have had that he reached out for it and because of what an what an easy life.
You know, we really, we could have had, had, he wanted to really, truly meet me halfway and tell me the [01:45:00] truth about everything, so I don’t pry over it like I miss him or want him back. You know, it’s just like, what a waste. You know? Like, this could have been so fucking easy. You know? You know, you, you know, he was learning how to pray.
He was learning, you know, I baptized him and everything, you know, he could, he was, he was, he was going down, you know, a better path than improving, you know, you know. So let me just re, you know, read some of this here. So it says, when Samuel reached him, Saul said, the Lord bless you. I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.
Samuel had told Saul that the Lord wanted him to go and lay waste to this whole army, kill everybody, everything, all the animals, everything don’t bring nothing back, period. But Samuel said, what then is the bleeding of sheep in my ears? What is this loing of cattle that I hear? Saul King Saul [01:46:00]answered.
The soldiers brought them from the Amalekites. They spared the best of the sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the Lord your God. But we totally destroyed the rest enough. Samuel said, the Saul, let me tell you what the Lord said to me last night. Tell me, Saul replied, Samuel said, although you were once small in your own eyes, that you’d not become the head of the tribes of Israel.
The Lord annoyed you, king over Israel, and he sent you on a mission saying, go and completely destroy those wicked people, the Amalekites wage war against them, until you have wiped them out. Why did you not obey the Lord? Why did you, why did you pounce on the plunder and do evil in the eyes of the Lord?
But I did obey the Lord. Saul said, I went on the mission. The Lord assigned me. I completely destroyed the malates and brought back a God their king. The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God in order to [01:47:00] sacrifice them to the Lord your God, at Gilgo. But Samuel replied, does the Lord delight in burn offerings and sacrifices as much in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination or witchcraft in arrogance like the evil of a of idolatry. Because, because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king. Then so said to Samuel, I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command in your instructions.
I was afraid of the men, and so I gave in to them. Now I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me so I may worship with the Lord.
Okay, so did y’all hear how how Saul’s reply changed? You know, over time? But in [01:48:00] all of his replies, he did not take any personal accountability until like the third time, Saul, Sam, Saul was like, why didn’t you, I mean, Samuel was like, why didn’t you kill everything? Like God said, SA Saul was like the people.
He tried to put blame on someone else. You see that victim playing there. You’re the king. You’re in charge of everything. You’re the H B I C. You run this shit. Okay, how can you say the people now towards the end, you know, he got more clear on it Now he started using I statements. Okay,
why do I think that, that that’s all here? If the Lord is showing us like a, a narcissistic pattern here, for instance, on October 30th, when I found that, when I saw that my ex was over at some dude’s house, he said that this was a friend he had just met, that they had just talked [01:49:00] over the internet. Later on, he trickled out a little bit more truth.
Then net turned into someone he had hung out with a few times, and then come to find out he really been fucking this dude since they were back in college. You know, it changed over time. Just like what Saul, you know, he went from, you know, in his, in his words, he said, I totally obey the Lord. You know, we just, we just kept a few animals for sacrifice.
But that’s not what God said do. But in his head, he had decided what he was going to do, looking at what people were telling him to do. Now, Saul was a very good looking person. The Bible does point this out. He was rich. He was the king. That means he was having all the sex, all the, he had, all he had, he had everything that you could possibly want, but he had very low character.
Okay? So, [01:50:00] so looking around laterally at people is what got him into trouble when he should have been looking up. You know, David said, I will lift up my eyes into the heels from when coming. My help. My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth, not people. The Bible says that man will fail you.
And, and, and Jesus said that he had no reason for people to teach him about man. And he did not fully commit himself onto men because he knew what was in man. Okay? And so people with these insecurities and with these validation issues keep looking to people to make them feel better, giving people power over them, you know, that that sort of thinking costs saw his whole kingdom.
You know, where he should have been. Like this is what God said we were going to do it. But he got used to that adoration, you know, from people and maybe he felt like he owed it to them because when Saul started out being king and he went out and on his conquest, he came back and people would [01:51:00] praise him and give him a lot of, you know, credit and adulation for that.
I think he got kind of used to that. And so now if he, now he’s having a pick in between dis disappointing people and obeying God. He chose to not disappoint the people unfortunately. And then once he had done that and he was challenged on it, he couldn’t just say, you know, it was what it was. He’s trying to gaslight the prophets handle or what are you trying to do?
You know, Samuel’s like, I told you this, there shouldn’t be no animals here. Why the fuck are there animals here? And all of this shit’s always talking. Ain’t got nothing to do with the fact that they not supposed to be here. The people said this, or we were gonna use them to wor you know, to worship and to get That’s not, no, that’s not, that’s not, that’s not, that’s not what we agreed to.
That’s not what we agreed to. We’re trying to interview an agreement for somebody who is a narcissist. It’s got going to get you anywhere because again, doesn’t matter what you [01:52:00] agree to, they’re going to go back and do whatever the fuck the reality in their head tells them to do.
And so, speaking of witchcraft, oh, and then, well, the end of that passage, you know, it says, you know, Samuel left Rama and basically he did not go to see Saul again. And, and I know, and all of that and all the bad things that be fail him. I don’t know if I’m gonna do an episode in the future just about Saul and his narcissism cause it’s really quite fascinating.
But, you know, he only devolves from there. He just gets worse and worse and worse. And he develops, like, I don’t know if he gets haunted by like a, a, a foul spirit later on. I, I mean, and then he. And he goes to consult with, with like a witch to raise Samuel up from the dead because he has no personal relationship with God himself.
You know, it’s like he never really grew and matured because David King David, who came after him wasn’t perfect. We [01:53:00] all know he murdered Uriah, Shiva’s husband. Some say he even raped Shiva, yet God calls David a man after his own heart. Well, David wasn’t when a lie to God, when he fucked up, he went to him.
It was like, Lord, I done fucked up. So, you know, let’s fix it. Let’s do what we gotta do to make it right. You know? So it’s not about being perfect, it’s about telling the truth. Cause the Bible says, you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. If the truth makes you free, then what do lies do?
Put you in bondage. So,
so, I don’t know, you know, Saul devolved and he ended up getting murdered in his sons too. Didn’t end well for him. You know, that’s why I’d be warning people with narcissistic personalities disorder a child, you remember to stop doing that dot get over your wheat and brighten up your existence. If you don’t wanna depart this plane, this plane of existence is kind of wrecked, fucked up way, carrying unforgiveness and baggage with you.
You, [01:54:00] you go, you don’t want that. You do not, do not leave this earth that way. You don’t, don’t be thinking that you’re going to come back as a giraffe or some kind of fucking animal, or be reincarnated. Those are cute thoughts. But every dead person I know is still dead because I see them like, you know, like in the spirit realm and stuff like that.
You know, they’re not, they’re not re, re, re re manifested here in any way. And so be careful with the, what you think about what’s gonna come after this life.
And Speaking of witchcraft since, since Samuel mentioned this, I’m talking about rebellion, a sense to sin of witchcraft. Chad, first of all, witchcraft is real. Whether you believe it or not, I’ve been a victim of it. I study this stuff. I know how it, I know how it works. In fact, I’m gonna start [01:55:00]eventually teaching, you know, an online Zoom class about how to shield yourself from psychic attacks and witchcraft and different things like that because it’s so prevalent now, and you can just go on the internet and order shit to basically spiritually destroy people with, until I’m gonna be doing what I can to equip you with some head knowledge so that when, when your enemies start to act up and they will act you can clap back at them and, and we can just, you know, get rid of all of that, all of that foolishness they’re trying to throw you away
on, on, on a sexual note. I just wanna make people aware of how important like your actual body is. You know, our bodies are actually like sacred temples, although we, we fling them all over the internet and whatever, and, and send pictures of ourselves out, like it’s nothing actually, we’re, we’re actually quite sacred.[01:56:00]
Your hair, anything that carries your d n a, blood semen, vaginal fluids, your skin toenails. If somebody were to get a hold of those things, I’m not saying doesn’t make you afraid. I’m just saying this to just tell you what the fuck the truth is. You know, certain spells that are cast and things like that, or enhanced greatly.
If you can get a hold of something that’s unique to a person, even if it’s like their favorite shirt or some shit that they wear, anything that they can tie, you, tie, tie you to whatever they’re trying to do, more photo of you or anything like that.
You know, this is why, you know, there celebrities and people who, you know, have high notoriety, you know, take, you know, more extreme, say precautions and things like that because so much of their information is out there. You know, date of [01:57:00] birth, photos, you know, all kinds of things, you know, so spiritually speaking, people who are more, you know, known like that, you know, or can be higher targets.
And so they gotta do, you know, more intense things to shield themselves from spiritual attacks from people. But they say like, this is like sperm. For instance, if a woman wanted to say like, control a man and she got a hold to his sperm, he basically could, unless he’s somebody who has the Holy Ghost or is caught up in God,
you, because, because witchcraft works, like they enlist the help of like devils and things like that to go and, and do like their bidding, whoever it is that’s casting these spells. It’s like you pray to God regardless saying there’s angels to go and help you. People wanna do witchcraft. They’re basically saying, Hey Satan, come help me get the fuck I want since you’re the prince of this world.[01:58:00]
Okay? But you hold somebody’s sperm, I’m like, chow. She can, or he, whoever it is, can really, really wreck you. And the, the shit can be subtle. You be thinking of going crazy, you know, always having dreams of people at different things like that. That shouldn’t be when somebody’s trying to, when it’s like a, a foul spirit that’s at play and like you’re, you keep seeing somebody in your dream, it’ll almost feel like they shouldn’t be there.
It’s like, it’ll almost feel like they walked and invited themself into, into a dream that’s already happening. You know, that kind of feeling like, like, okay, why are you here this trip? Like, we, we were good. Like, why, why are you here? Because that person inserted themselves into your energy sphere, into your aura, into your, into your existence and everything.
So guys, when y’all are out slinging this dick, like you, like to, you might want, you know, [01:59:00]if you’re using a condom, you know, and you nut that condom, you might want to be sure that it’s disposed of yourself. You might not wanna just hand that to somebody and trust that they’re gonna go and flush it down a toilet.
You don’t know that. And you know, and you know, y’all take all of two seconds to get to know somebody before you go and sleep with them. So, you know, people can do this to you who you know, you know, let alone strangers and things like that. And people are becoming more and more bitter and more and more angry, you know, as time goes on.
The Lord has said that people will become lovers of themselves who are already seeing that.
And I’m gonna teach y’all something about how to read, how to use spiritual understanding to analyze a situation or a person. Again, when you have like that, that kinda like that gut [02:00:00] heart feeling that comes over you, you just kind of like have a pause about the way somebody’s doing something, you’re observing something.
I want you to slow down and explore that more in the, and to proceed no further until you gain clarity. When I was with my ex, I noticed how he has a a strong pension for, like I said, oral sex. Like I had gotten that disease from him, you know, you know, from, from, from him performing oral sex on me because he really, really, really, really likes to suck Dick, you know, and swallow a lot of cu.
So, and I’m not shaming that, but there is being. Passionate in the way that you perform sexually. And then there’s the way he was, I would be like, this is a bit much, and I’m a Sagittarius and you know, I’m very extra and over the top honey. So for me to be like, it’s almost like I’m like, I wonder what he’s really after, but I really couldn’t c put it together.
It’s like something [02:01:00] seemed like it’s more than just, and so then I then once I realized what he is, you know, in terms of the narcissist personality is already, I’ve studied it more and understand is how much these people consume. I means Vahe consume energy from people. My god, these people are like energy vacuums.
Okay, then it makes sense. I was like, okay. He’s like draining these dicks because the essence of the sperm, which is like, this is like the strongest life force that you can get from a male is his sperm because that carries his life. His d n a, he can create a life with that sperm. It’s incredibly powerful.
You know, spiritually speaking, some men do get this and they’re very careful about how they go squirting it around all willynilly. But but it’s like, like it clicked. I was like, [02:02:00] it’s not even much about, again, the person. He probably gets a greater sense of validation or whatever the, whatever kind of feeling he gets from a sexual encounter, it’s probably stronger coming in contact with semen because semen is a pure liquid spiritual strength.
It just is. And so sometimes something might look but it’s like, oh, it’s one of those things and sometimes there’s a deeper working at play. Okay, so be careful how y’all are going out there, just spreading your strength around. You know, and, and, you know, and really, really weakening yourself by engaging in things that seem, they feel good to your flesh, but really it’s killing your spirit.
That’s the best way I can put that.
Proverbs 26 is what I call the narcissist proverb. I just think it’s interesting, I invite you to go [02:03:00] read it sometime. It says things like answer, not a fool according to his father, unless you become like, also like, like him. Also, I would feel this way every time I would argue with my ex like a fool.
And I, and I just felt like lowered.
Let me see. It says, when, when, when he speaks fair, believe him not for there seven abominations, then it’s hard. You know? You know, I think about all the times we would ask, you know, me and the couple couples counselor would ask my ex exor anything wrong? Is there anything you’re mad about? He’d be like, no, I’m good.
He, when secretly he was bitter about everything whose hatred is covered by the seat, his wickedness shall be shown before the whole congregation. See, see, see, I wasn’t, see I wasn’t wrong for exposing Ethan’s sex messages. See, I [02:04:00] exposed it because his hatred was covered by deceit, even though he didn’t have to cover it by deceit.
So the lying tongue hates those that are afflicted by it, and a flattering mouth works, ruin and chow. Like I said, people with N P D lie through their teeth. Lying to them becomes more natural than telling the truth. But the Bible says that a lying tongue hates thoses that are afflicted by it, that somebody is gonna lie to you.
That person don’t like you. I don’t give a damn how fine they are, what they promise or that gift they gave you last week. Bitch, if they are lying, get the fuck away. Run away from them. The Lord said a liar will not tear his sight. He didn’t say murderer. None of those things. Like I said, king David did all that.
He killed a killed a man, possibly raped a woman. God worked with all that. But one thing David wasn’t, was a liar. And narcissists are liars. They don’t tell themselves the [02:05:00] truth or anyone else the truth. It’s very difficult to work with people like that. You have to help them by just saying, this is what you can do.
And then sing what they’re going to want to do. And like I stated, you might not be able to help the person you were with. You know,
you don’t let the gifts and all that fool you. I’m gonna say it again. You know, we empathetic people actually wanted the person in the we were in the relationship with the narcissist, actually just wanted the benefits of being in the relationship. You have to flip it around. You can, you will never be able to think like them because you have a heart and soul.
Like if you’re an empathetic person, you just, and we gotta stop thinking that people have to think like us and just have to understand that they don’t. And if they don’t either accept them the fucking way they are lying, manipulative, [02:06:00] murdering, whatever, or don’t get the fuck away from them. But don’t stop trying to rationalize it and make sense cuz it’s never gonna fit into your brain.
So,
One thing I’m super proud of is that I didn’t let myself turn into just like an indiscriminate hoe out there in the streets, just cuz I was suddenly single again. It was more like, why should I hold myself back from sexual experiences? Because Ethan fucked up, you know, we had an open relationship. There was nothing that he wanted sexually.
There was nothing that Ethan wanted. I would’ve told him no to my, my whole heart and mind was always oriented towards what can I give him or what can I do for him? And, and so there was nothing, whatever, whatever it is that he wanted to do, be it with, with other people together or whatever the answer would’ve been, yes.
You know, let’s find a way to make it happen. Why the fuck should I sit around not moving forward? Because of him, it was difficult for me to try to [02:07:00] engage with people because it’s like, but I’m not supposed to be here with you. I’m still supposed to be here with Ethan. You know? Cause it was still in my head.
You know what I’m thankful for is that I never felt like my heart was closed. You know, a lot of people get outta these relationships and they’d be like, I’ll never love again. I know. I don’t want this. Hmm. I don’t want this to happen again. They’ll probably the same thing. I ain’t like that. I’m not like that.
I’m thankful about a lot of things with this besides my growth. I’m thankful that he and I didn’t live together. We tried that for like a hot second and it didn’t work. You, I’m thankful there is no kids caught up in the mix, midst of this. I’m thankful that we weren’t tied together financially. You know, it was, I think I had to think while I wasn’t with them a second longer than what I was. There is people that 30, 40 years that they’re just now realizing that they’ve had a narcissist this whole time.
There are all kinds of children and investments tied up together. They are kind, [02:08:00] they’re infused. Okay. That narcissist has them by the balls bitch, by the tits, you know, and the clip too. They got them by everything and they can’t just like walk away. Even what I did was fucking difficult as a bitch. But having all of that other stuff, I understand my situation could be a hell of a lot worse than what it is.
And I am grateful that it is just what it is. And this almost took me out. So my hat’s off the strength of you who, who have far more intricate and intertwined rel situations with the narcissist in your life. You know, I, I just pray and speak strength over you, that you find a way to make it out of it.
May Lord grant you this deliverance in Jesus’ name.
So I just slowly moved forward. I [02:09:00] tried apps for like a hot second, deleted them and didn’t look back. You know, if I ain’t wrong. I really, really think that people are worse on these sex apps. All of them grinder, jacks, whatever. Hell, even Tinder, all of that. It’s like they worse than what they were before.
I’m like, how in the fuck can you take something that’s already petty and bitter and get even more wicked and evil and dark withed? Well, they found a way. And it’s not, I mean, the apps are comprised, the people, people, like I said, are becoming lovers of themselves is what you get. You go over to, to these dude’s houses, like why not try?
They didn’t even do anything with him. Now you walk into these people’s houses like him, they don’t offer you a glass of water. They don’t engage with you in any sort of way. It’s like they’re just kinda like mindlessly setting there, whatever. And then it occurred to me, you know, [02:10:00] these people are, all people who are hopping around on these apps and shit like that are conditioning themselves.
You know, they’re, everything you do is developing like a memory or, or neuro pathway within you. They’re conditioned to just show up, fuck to do whatever. Me and my, my Southern hospitality, you know, you know, you know, lover of God weighs, you know, caring, you know, if a person with like a cocktail or some tea, whatever, you know, having conversations and stuff like that, it’s not what these people care for.
Most of the people I talked to or met seem to be very unhappy, super bitter, you know, you know, out here in this dating world. And it was daunting and sad on me for a moment. And I was like, fuck, is this what I’m going to have to deal with? You know, now that I’m single again, shit, what the hell? [02:11:00] But I declared, I declared to you that I will not have somebody who’s unhappy again.
I refuse for as the end of my last relationship. I was like, just begging Ethan, like, damn, like you don’t have to pay for anything or do anything. Could you just like, be happy? Just gimme positive vibes. That’s all I want from you. And of course he couldn’t do that, but but they’re, but everybody out there who I talked to on those fucking apps are just as bitter, you know, as he was.
I’m like, oh, wait a minute. This has just become like a cesspool of negative people, fucking the shit out of each other and just being increasingly bitter and angry about the lives that they live, but they’re having a whole lot of sex. Okay. Okay. Okay.
I said, no, I, I stripped all of this away from me and I don’t fucking miss it. I realized that my approach to sex and everything had become corrupt. You know, partly from my experience with my ex, and partly because, well, [02:12:00] growing up I was never taught anything about it, and I learned about sex from porn and all of that.
And so I said, you know what? We meet, strip all that away too. Thank God. I was never like, you know, I’m not like a porn addict or anything like that. I only watched like a, I would only watch like a handful of videos a month, but I, I deleted it all, all of it. Every, every app, tenderer, bu all of ’em gone. No Grindr, no Jack, no scruff, none of it.
And because I had to, I realized I needed to step away from whatever has influenced me sexually in order to find and who I am apart from all of those voices. And I can’t do that by still watching porn. And and for God’s sakes, not allowing myself to be disrespected on these apps with these people.
The, the, those apps are breeding ground for a lot of just, just dark energy. Somebody that I talked to, who I met through sex addicts Anonymous, [02:13:00] was explaining how he, some, he’s like a bait and hanger, some, some kind of terminology he uses where basically he intentionally goes on there or would intentionally go on there to rope somebody into thinking they’re going to get laid, exchange the pictures, do all of that.
And once it was locked in and it was assured thing, he would just delete the person. He got off on or got some sort of set satisfaction on just knowing that the person wanted him and would be willing to come over, but he had no intentions of doing anything with them.
Now, if you’re on the other end of that and you keep letting somebody do that to you on these apps, you have, you, you don’t understand what, how that is hurting your inner man, inner woman, inner spirit, whatever you want to call it, their subconscious. That is [02:14:00] every time somebody ghost you on an app or something like that, that’s a form of like rejection.
Also, it, it, it, it’s emotionally and spiritually and mentally damaging the way things are done on those apps and the shit ain’t right and my spirit never could get comfortable with it. Which makes me question people who are able to go onto apps like Grindr and whatever and thrive in that negative toxic environment.
I’m like, if you speak this language that well and these people accept you and you’re able to circumnavigate and constantly get laid and constantly have a lot of options, it does make me question you because the negativity doesn’t bother you. Okay. Which means you are part of it. Like there’s no way that you could have, you know, [02:15:00] peace within you in a clean heart and be okay with the, with, with the spirit that prevails in these apps in this day until, what I decided to do was take myself back to my true roots, back to my 17 year old self who was new to the Air Force.
A virgin still bold though, who had enough power. To move, like I did say to the state of Arizona by myself, no family, no friends, no network at all. Just me. And if I wanted to meet somebody, there was no grinder. There was no Tinder, there was no bumble. Okay. I had to brush my fucking teeth, the shower, something with my hair.
Okay. I had a little bit of hair on my head then y’all don’t. Yeah, don’t do that. Don’t do that, don’t do [02:16:00] that. I had to do, you know, had a little bit of hair all falling out hall
and go down the fucking Starbucks or somewhere and meet people in person, be they for friends or whatever. Okay? That is something that I’ve always been able to do. So basically what I’m saying is I stopped letting the world tell me how I was going to live a part of the static in my dreams from that dream I was telling by the beginning of the episode, from watching you know, all those fashions of the world, these sex apps are a part of something that is very, very popular and trendy with the world that is not popular with God.
Because I, I know that, because the thing never made me feel alive. It made me feel carnal and like a piece of meat and whatever rejoices in the flesh rejoices against the spirit. And that’s just the way it goes. [02:17:00] And so
that is a part of it. I but I was like, this is not who I am. You know, I call myself trying to be hip with the time and trying to go with the flow. But no, that’s not, that’s not the way. That’s not the way. I. So I go down, you know, anybody I meet has been met in person, I will see them out. Or I just won’t have anyone.
I’m good with that. I don’t have to have, you know, myself attached to somebody in order to feel happy anymore or to feel like myself with my, my happiness not gonna be placed to a human’s hands ever again. It’s not gonna happen. I know how to look up now better than I’ve ever been able to before.
And so I’m thankful I showed sexual discipline and restraint [02:18:00] and the Lord kept a lot of things away from me that I tried to do in that arena, for which I’m thankful it’s better for me that I hadn’t done ’em, you know, that I’ve able to sit down and just take time to myself and focus on myself without running to go get tied up with somebody to do, do all, do all this sleeping around and stuff because the emotions had to be dealt with and I’d hidden, you know, in, in another person or in some experience with another person.
Cuz that’s just the coward bullshit there.
Speaking of, I think I had mentioned psychic attacks earlier. It’s like when I think back on my ex, I don’t think it’s like, it’s like I’ll be sitting down doing whatever and then the thought will come to me like, you know, who is he sleeping with? Or, you know, as I’m like, it feels like a dark force trying to force this thought [02:19:00] into my mind because.
I mean, people, you, we cannot be worried about who is the, who our exes are doing what? What? Because it’s a part of life. You’re gonna move on and do stuff with other people and so will they. They did stuff, I mean, unless you met them as a virgin, they did stuff with other people before they met you. If you were with a narcissist, they were doing stuff with other people while they were with you, probably whether you knew it or not.
And so that’s, that’s like neither here nor there. Okay. Cuz we don’t wanna become a hypocrite by worrying about other people doing the same shit that we’re doing. Okay. We don’t want to do that. Let’s not go down that road. But my whole thing is you, why the fuck would I go all day? And I think about him, why?
Cause at night is when we usually would talk at night when he would go out and cheat on the weekends. You know, same thing. We would either hang out or, you know, those are the times that, you [02:20:00] know, from my, you know, finding the records is when he was out there hoing it up. And so what the devil is trying to do is try to, to, to send a, a foul force to try to steal my joy.
You know? But see, we gotta learn how to talk back to the devil and to rebuke him. Okay? And and to not let, and to not let him control us like that. You see? It’s like, it’s kinda like how I was saying like, if somebody’s trying to work against you with witchcraft and you see them in your dream, it’s like, it’s kinda like they’re, it’s kinda like they don’t belong there.
It’s kinda like they just walk into it. Okay. Kinda like Professor Xavier from X-Men or Argen Gray might just be able to like, walk into a memory or something like that. It’s a, it’s an alien thing that doesn’t belong.
This is how it feels whenever this, this, this, [02:21:00] this dark spirit tries to come and make me miserable. Thinking about who Ethan is or isn’t fucking. And after I get done rebuking that devil and whipping his ass and setting up off of me, you know, it doesn’t come back around, you know, as often because I had enough sense to know better than that, first of all, that that is a part of, of Ethan’s obsession that I let seep into me.
Cause when I met him, I think I had, was only having sex like, like once or twice a year. You know, I, when I got h I v it really caused me to shut down. You know, not everybody’s like that. You know, some people get a ride back out there and whatever, you know. But I also did not need sex for validation or make me feel good.
So there’s no reason for me to, to compromise. Rushing out there to go get it. It wasn’t that big a fucking deal with me. You know, my hand did the job just fine. Okay? So I said, no, this, this, this, this, this, this train of thinking. You see, I [02:22:00] picked that up from him and I sent it right back to his. I asked Susan, I’m like, no, you file spirit.
You get the hell away from here. You know, I rebuke you and Jesus name this, this, this is not my thinking. The devil, the thiefs coming. The devil comes not but to steal and to kill and to destroy. What I’m thankful for is that I have joy and now for the devil to come to try to take, you know, but I’m not gonna let him take it.
You know, these are not my thoughts. These are not my emotions. These are not my feelings, okay? I didn’t have the sex addiction. Ethan has the sex addiction. I wasn’t the one I fucking everybody, everywhere we went, you know, to the point of making him uncomfortable, he did that to me. I internalized that shit that I should have, I should have rejected him and all of, all of his abuse and disrespect, but I didn’t.
Then this shit got into me. Okay. He’s the one who needs to go out and sleep with people and suck dick and take it and do whatever the fuck, [02:23:00] you know, just to feel good about himself for a few moments, just to have to go back and do it again. You know, that’s his life. That’s not how I live. Okay? So, and whatever the hell he is or isn’t out there doing is nothing more than what he did when he was with me, or he would’ve had permission to do had we still been together.
So it does affect him matter, because this is nothing new. This is how you have to talk back to these, to these nasty spirits when they come up trying to, to cross your mind. You know, I’m not about to sit here and soak and be sad worrying about somebody who was never worrying about me out there doing the most, you know what?
Everybody didn’t get their hands on, you know? Okay. They can continue. That’s all the best they feel like they can get out of life. I have a full life. I have global ministries. I have things that I’m doing in a big way. I got other shit to think about than sex. Okay? There are other people in this life that ain’t got that much else going for them, and all they can do is go to work and make [02:24:00] money.
Then go, fuck, okay, that’s not me. And so I have to get uncon confused about who I am. See, this is how you can lose yourself. When you in a relationship with a narcissist, especially when that’s a fucking sex addict. They get so intense about things and so extra, even though they’re gonna, even though they’re gonna call you extra.
Really, they’re the ones who are being extra to the extent that their thoughts become your thoughts and their priorities become your priorities, and then you have to get away from them and remember who you actually are. Okay?
There’s a lady whose information I’m gonna leave in the show notes. Her name, her name is Ali Padilla, and she’s, she was one of the shamans at my ayahuasca ceremony in down in Port Erta. She’s been helping me to break this psychic attack that has to do with my ex [02:25:00] because it, it was just like an annoying na uhuh, why, why is this the thought coming?
I’m like, no, this is not my thought. No way. And so, but sometimes we need a little assistance. You know, I’m pretty astute spiritually, but when it comes to matters with Ethan, I’m not, I’m not so caught up on my own abilities to not get a second opinion on it. And so, and so she and I have been, you know, working with, you know, some powerful light with the arc angels and whatnot, to be sure that, that, that, that, that, that whatever that force is that’s trying to, to get, connect us or bond us as fully severed, because I’m not about to have a trauma bond or an emotional bond that, you know, I should be, you know, when I think about somebody I was with for almost five years, you know, I should be thinking about if they’re really happy, if they’re doing good in their career, if they’re, you know, I should, I could be thinking about anything productive.
He made such a big [02:26:00] damn deal over sex, made such a God out of it. That when I think about him, all I can think about is sex. Like, I can’t think about anything else about Ethan after five years except for sex. How, how just sad is that.
And I allowed this, like I said earlier, because he seemed so flexible and open-minded. It really, he, you know, he was, and I wanted to be very much not like the church. The church is just like, no, that everything, just don’t, don’t, don’t sit with your legs cross and don’t ever fucking take Marilyn. Ethan was like, let’s just have it, the whole city and everybody, you know, there is somewhere in between that I found.
Ethan wasn’t, it wasn’t that he was right. I thought, I really thought that he had a better approach to sex than I did. But really he was just [02:27:00] less worse than the church was. But neither one of them are actually correct cuz Ethan does too damn much. Then the church didn’t do it too a damn enough. You see in between, this is where I found my, my resting place.
With that I had another dream where it’s like the Lord was showing me, you know, that Ethan is, he was, he presented as a spider who could also morph into a mosquito. This insect tried to become something that wasn’t menacing like a grasshopper, but could not hold that form long at all. Like a few seconds.
But it definitely could stay as a mosquito or a spider at will. My two, my two, my two catch child was in this dream and presented as a protective force and were trying to kill, was trying to murder this, this, this thing and get the hell out of our house. And they couldn’t quite do it. And so I had to step in and finish the job before it.[02:28:00]
But, but I said, okay, so the lord, you know, since I’ve gotten away from Ethan, has began to show me who he really is. That’s why I encourage you to, to really leave the narcissist that you’re with if you’re really trying to heal. Cause you can’t, it’s gonna be hard for you to really do that and focus on the, the, the intense, laborious, hard ass work It is to be with the narcissist and get yourself fixed at the same time.
Because I didn’t wanna leave Ethan, but I had to, and now look at what he actually is. A spider and a mosquito. Okay, mosquito does what? Run around sucking people dry. Okay. I just explained to you certain things about. You know, this particular narcissist here, how he likes to, you know, suck people dry, literally.
Now, what does a spider do? Spin a web, a deceit of destruction, of chaos. A [02:29:00] malcontent, they lure you in a beautiful sparkling thing, and before you know it, you’re ramped up and you don’t know how you got there, how the fuck you’re going to get out. The dichotomy of this dynamic, though, that I find to be so intriguing is that the spider, like it’s been like in spider form, Ethan can literally spin a web that will trap him when he turns back into the, his mosquito form.
But like I’ve told y’all before, these narcissists spin webs and then they get caught in them themselves. They’re their own worst enemies, and they create the death and destruction that ultimately swallows them up and consumes them somehow. However, both of those things are very threatening to people individually, but also he’s a threat to himself.[02:30:00]
Now I begin to see change when I slowed down. Yeah, leading up to my, I stay in the mental hospital. I actually was talk, talking to my licensed clinical social worker about checking myself in, but I didn’t. Then I ended up having to go anyway. I started praying three times a day. Like, like, like they did it back in Daniel’s day.
Like the elders Daniel from the Bible, like, like the, like the elders in my life would do, you know, that morning, noon, and night prayer in order to fight the bad thoughts. They were trying to come to my head. I reading my Bible, reading Raquel’s book. See, I, I was attacking this thing both natural and spiritual.
I tried traveling, like I said, I relapsed on all kinds of drugs and shit. You know, I tried to do [02:31:00]everything that I could to run away from the pain. Well, except having a whole bunch of wild sex. But the things that I was able to do and yeah, I was tired, worn out, coming down or whatever. But I still drug my ass in front of this MacBook with this microphone to carry forth my messages into and to preach and to do what I can do.
Because I’m not just going to, first of all, it is God’s power in me. If any of you get anything out of anything I ever say, right, or whatever it is, the spirit working with you, it is not anything that I did. Okay? And so the Lord does not expect me to be perfect. So I can’t just show up here and do this work on days where I’m feeling good, feeling happy, feeling sad.
So right now what, as I’m recording is it’s 4:40 AM on Monday, May 15th. Okay? Because I was ready to get this out. I gardened [02:32:00] all day to day, planted my jack lands, which is a new thing. I’m super excited about it, you know, you know, just been working the garden in the back. I got my chaws gonna be growing the vine, tomatoes and everything, girl.
Cucumbers. Yes. Come and get y’all some food, honey. Yes. I’m not saying that the brag on myself, but I’m saying is when you doing something that you call to do, you can go to a point that other people would look at you and go, how the fuck are you still doing that? Because it’s like you, they should think that, they would think that you’re, you should be tired and worn out.
Mm-hmm. No, I’m not. It is a good thing to garden. It’s a gift that I have. I have a growing hand. You know, I can just toss a seed on, on, on, on the ground. It’ll just come up, you know, because I have a spiritual gift of growing, not just plants, but people too. If y’all listen to me, I could really enhance your existence and enhance your life.
But again, that’s the power of God through me and me using my gifts to grow you in my little vines outside. Oh, they will be [02:33:00] delicious. And but it, but it’s not just gonna be on, on good days, you know, when I’m tired, worn out, or even my worlds are colliding and all of that, I still gotta get to this mic and do it.
Not just when everything’s great and I have a full nice rest. No, no, either way, either way.
I’m thankful. I’ve learned to sit still on the, the emotions. This is something that I’ve had to learn. I was pissed off when all this happened and I asked my hypnotherapist and all my counselors, I was like, okay, give me some quick fix. Let’s gimme some exercises. Put me under hypnosis. Let’s do what we gotta do.
Cause I’m not trying to have this, this, this searing chasm fucking fire lava going through my heart the way it is. You know, when I, when I was first realizing I was gonna have to end my relationship with Ethan Hypnotherapist was like, no, I refused to put you under hypnosis. You’re in no condition for that.[02:34:00]
I wasn’t, I wasn’t too thrilled. Social licensed clinical social worker was like it is just gonna take time. I was like, the fuck you mean time? I’m trying to, I’m trying, I’m trying to feel better today, not tomorrow. So what do you have?
So, it doesn’t matter where I traveled to or what, or what, you know, street drugs. I went and got my hands on it didn’t fix anything. Patience in time and a hell of a lot of prayer and understanding the way breakup emotions work. You know how the crying will come in cycles, but how you feel better after, you know, and everything like that.
And defining what these tears really mean, and defining what I actually thought I had, verse what I thought, thwarting through the fog and gaining clarity, you know? Now if a bad emotion comes, I try to rebuke it, banish it, get rid of [02:35:00] it. There’s some times where I feel sad about, about Ethan, which is not necessarily a bad thing, and I’ll just let that emotion just sit there.
There was an evening that I was feeling that way, kind of like missing him, and I just went and got a pair of these little fluffy cat sandals, slippers that he got from like an arcade back in his home state. You know, he gave me I just wore them and just allowed myself to just feel a little close to him.
Not too much, not like uhuh not, not like growing back, none of that. But it’s just like, okay, I’m missing him. It wasn’t all bad. This was one of the, the, the, the few good things that he actually did. So let’s just, I just let myself just kind of like have that now. I did that like once, you know, in this whole like, you know, six month period, it’s not like it was no whole hell of a lot, but it’s [02:36:00]just a way of, okay, well maybe I won’t go out and, you know, inject myself with some terrible drugs.
It’s gonna leave me feeling worse. Maybe I would just allow myself to feel like I miss him tonight and just let that be fucking that, because the feeling won’t last always. And then it came, and then it went, and then I said, went on about my fucking day, about my fucking life the next day or whatever. Or that night, or however long it lasted.
But see, that’s a skillset, you know, having intense anger or rage and just. Saying, you know what? I don’t actually have to do anything with this feeling. I could just let the feeling be, cause the feeling doesn’t control me. But again, we have to learn how to just set still. Would it blaze, Pascal say all of ma all of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
If you can’t sit quietly in a room by yourself, then you don’t love yourself. Okay? [02:37:00] She don’t love herself. Okay.
It was a bold, you gotta tell, you gotta get bold to face your emotions. Any coward can go run and hide it in drugs and sex and whatever your vices are, but actually just facing you. You gotta get strong enough to do that. And I believe that you can. So how did I end up in the mental hospital this time?
I’ve, like I said, breaking up, you know, people, you know have, are said to have that die from broken hearts. My potassium got low, my enzymes and shit got low and my body started to like seize up, like my hands, feet, legs, everything. Bitch, I thought I was about to have a stroke, heart attack, seizure or some shit.
And I didn’t know. So I called nine one and one [02:38:00] and these people were like, okay. They, they did the blood work and found the potassium was low, so they gave me some potassium tablets, which was cute. And then they were like, okay, we’re just gonna send you home. It’s like home. It was only like a few hours.
Like what about they did not offer me to just to be monitored overnight in a regular hospital. It was like, you know, we’re either gonna send you to the mental hospital because y’all had been doing drugs and shit too, or. So that was in my system or, or you know, you just go home. But I’m like, okay, if I go home and I started spazzing out again, then I’m just gonna be right back here.
So I guess I’ll take the mental hospital. So, and then I wasn’t in the state of mind to argue and negotiate with those people either. And so I just fucking went with it. Now I’m here in Baton Rouge. I was told they’re gonna send me to this hospital chain called Oceans here in Baton Rouge, and they ended up sending me to one in New [02:39:00] Orleans.
Okay, fine. That’s like a good hour away in the back of an ambulance. Whatever. You know, Acadian ambulance is great and they always seeing cute people. The boys are always cute that work there, so fuck it. And so let’s talk about the mental hospital.
Hmm. Most interesting character there this time was this lady who had a a titty bear, a stuffed titty bear. And she was combing this titty bear and talking to it like it was a real person. How I am not for ca domestic abuse or hitting children or whatever the fuck you call it. She was telling this titty bear, you know, to sit still, you know, she was like, sit still, I’m gonna hit you.
I’m like, okay. [02:40:00] I like her. I felt like the woman kept it real, you know, people locked up in these mental hospitals, have their fits and bouts, but, and they’re not fitting and bowing the shit. Did they say be like deep, I guess I could say us, the shit that we say be like, like deep, you know, it’d be like on some real, you know, other level shit.
And like, it’s just so interesting how somebody could go home, like extreme psychosis of talking to like a teddy bear. To actually saying like true wisdom that I can hear. So I’m like, is God stepping in and speaking to these people? Are the mi are their minds so complex that, that their minds can’t ha you know?
No. Or you know what, you know what is, but you know what, we all have dark and light in us. We all have, you know, we all have both dynamics working. So I discovered that these damn delicious smucks crust things or crustless fucking sandwiches to do, they got the [02:41:00] peanut butter and the jellying, that circular fucking thing.
I hadn’t seen this shit before. I think I’m the last person to find out and I’m okay with that because, you know, we all learn and grow in our time. Them shits were fucking awesome. Okay? I don’t do like junk food or anything like that. I love to eat off the land, but god damn it, god damn it, them motherfucking peanut butter and jelly shits that don’t have the crust on them, that’s no fucking delicious.
I must confess, I’ve been to Walmart twice to get my home since I got out mental hospital. I got the strawberry and the grape and I regret nothing. I regret nothing. My God. Because when you’re, when you’re, cause when you’re in the metal hospital, you really don’t do much. But like walk around with like your scrubs on or your street clothes.
In this [02:42:00] case you could wear your street clothes at this one and then you just fucking eat shit all day and you snack. I was at the Ocean’s Bella in Gretna in New Orleans, but they the day shift was getting kind of hose with, with the treats and shit. I’m like, we paying thousands of dollars to be in here bitch, gimme my goddamn bag of potato chips.
You know? Yeah. They was letting people like starve and shit saying No snack time has to be exactly at this time. Girl. Bye. Oh bitch, bye. Gimme my motherfucking treats bitch. And so, but most of the people was cool though. You just had a couple of holes in there that wasn’t getting laid and they or didn’t know Jesus or whatever the fuck.
They didn’t have the fucking peace and happiness in their life. I don’t know.
On a more serious tip, I discovered so lemme show y’all what I colored in there. One of the residents had a coloring book and it had all kinds of stuff in it. [02:43:00] And I chose three things to sit down and color. It might seem trivial in juvenile, but there is a lot of healing in between taking a pen or a marker or something and painting and creating and doing something
different from playing video games or going out to engage because you’re not engaged with people, be it in conversation or sex or whatever. But if you’re not actually creating, see
it, it’s some of the times that that say, like my ex was at his best was when he had created say like, like, like a pride thing for me. That there was like an arts and craft thing that was very beautiful and colorful. He created something for the cats one time. This was, you know, at the beginning of the relationship, you know, narcissists will start off doing good shit.
Then they stopped doing it over time, but they’ve already planted that seed in your head that you might get that good day back again. So to be careful with that cause [02:44:00] they’ll start off doing good shit, but then they won’t end doing it. But he was some, he was really, really in a good way when he would create things from scratch with his hands because that involved him having to be engaged in thinking and putting his essence and effort into something as opposed to engaging with something inanimate or doing something.
For the benefit of extracting energy from somebody that is pure creation to help someone else, you get healed doing things like that. And so drawing and coloring this stuff and the mental hospital was healing. It got my mind thinking and it got it settled. This is when I began to understand how I had been poisoned by my ex and everything.
And this I began to understand and shit began to fall into perspective in the mental hospital is when I sat down for seven, eight days with no cell phone, with, with no, no business distractions or nothing like that. And just actually thought about what [02:45:00] the fuck had happened in my life and what had been going on and what I had been doing.
Made it a week to get, to get my mind right. The first one I drew was this, this is for those of you who are not watching on YouTube. This is a paisley drawing that’s mainly orange and purple. No, like I was showing, telling y’all about how to, like, how my ex’s pension for giving head and swallowing come is really an, an, an intense form of energy extraction.
You know, I showed, I thought, you know, I picked these things up. I thought it random to color them, you know, I showed this to my hypnotherapist and she was like, oh, interesting choices. You know, he was like, Hmm, Paisley, that’s a very masculine thing you chose, you know, and then she got, you know, onto this whole like thing about like reading into what, what, what I chose meant.[02:46:00]
The second one I colored was this one and she’s like, oh, that’s super, you know, feminine. This is, you know, bringing out like you’re more feminine size and y’all know I don’t really have a pronoun or whatever the fuck you think I’m representing to you at that time period.
And then the last one I did was this one.
Okay. This here is more on along the lines of what you would call like a Mandela Mandela’s, a very spiritual drawings that carry very spiritual intonations, very, very spiritual definitions. My hypnotherapist was looking at this and just getting into a, like the circles and what all that meant, you know, and why I chose this particular one.
One in everything, [02:47:00] the order I showed in the youth is the order that I drew them in. So as I was sitting there in the mental hospital, my mind was getting clearer and more healed. And as you can see, I progressed from less complicated drawings to this bad boy right here, which is off the damn chain. Okay?
But all of this has to do with healing. If you have a moment, I would look up Mandela’s and things like that and see and start drawing, even if it’s in a coloring book, like how this was, you know, and get into it because it’s healing. I have a meeting with an artist friend of mine coming up, and I’m going to get back into art.
I took like check four or five years of art between middle and high school. When I went to the military, all of that had to stop. But you know what, it’s time for me to get back behind the easel again. Okay? It’s, it’s time for me to see what I could put down on some canvas. It’s time to throw some paint once more.
Starting anything you can, [02:48:00] new is another piece of advice that I would give you to help, you know, with a breakup. Because especially when you’re trying to remember who you are, anything new that you can do, like like I always do yoga in my house. You know what I, the thought came to me. Why don’t I take the yoga set up?
And go do it on my back patio. It’s a simple switch, but still, it’s something I’d never done before. Because see, I’ve gotta rewire my mind. So any new thing that I can do that’s positive and healthy cooking a dish I haven’t cooked before. The places that, that I had wanted Ethan to take me when we were together.
Going there alone, not with some other person, just by myself, okay. To prove to myself that I could still do it. Cuz these were all new places that I haven’t been before. Still go do that shit, but do it by myself so I don’t develop some sort of [02:49:00] codependency on on another person or, or be thinking that I have to have someone with me to enjoy myself.
You know, things like that. Still going to do what the fuck you said you were gonna do, bitch. And find new shit. You can do any fucking thing. Go to a new place. Take a new way home. Take a new way to work. You know, you know. Any, any, anything new? Try try new music. You know? I get to Mexico, the place I’m staying has mandalas, like say on the bed, on the, on the bed covers, you know, signs like that as it was how God was letting me know that I’m on the right path, I’m in the right place, the right time, and exactly where I’m supposed to be.
And I’m watching over you. I show up into the mental hospital on day one. They got all these, there’s two televisions. One in this movie room. This is the nicest mental hospital ever fucking been in. Like we had our own movie room shit with [02:50:00] these swank ass chairs in them. And then you had the regular TV outside and it’s a patio where you could actually go outside and like look at the sky and be out in the elementary.
Usually the mental hospital you just locked up in, in that ditch. And no wind, no rain, no sudden, no nothing. This is a nice, this was a nice one here though. She was real cute. It’s cute as far as mental hospitals go. So on the television outside they got all these breakup songs going and I’m just like, fuck, why y’all can’t listen to anything else?
Che was really triggering me. What I’m thankful for and proud of is that by the time I left there, those same songs were still playing and I didn’t feel those same, that same emotional spike anymore, going to the movie room I had and they got Diary of a Mad Black woman on, I had watched this before I left for the mental hospital.
I don’t believe in happenstance. That was God speaking to me. The same damn movie on, we could have been watching anything on all of Netflix. Tuby the exact [02:51:00] same movie when you break up, girls watch Diary of a Mad Black Woman waiting to Exhale and what’s love got to do with it? Diary of a mad black woman waiting to exhale and what does love have to do, have to do with it, but especially that diary, mad black woman because she takes you through all the emotions of being the, the quiet little partner who just lets this man run around and sling his dick all over town and everything like that.
Being rejected by him and until he becomes crippled because he done fu you know, got his shit self into some shit. His ways caught up with him and now she’s taking care of him and everything and she throws his asses at a fucking tub and just doesn’t mm. Then, you know, just does some, some things. My favorite line from that movie, that’s when that dude, that that was fucking her over sitting her in a [02:52:00] wheelchair and can’t even much do nothing but talk.
She left his ass there to starve for a few days and she’s sitting there chomping on his delicious looking salad with her glass of wine and everything and. Yeah, this man is sitting there crying cuz he had food in like days as he’s starving his ass, which he deserved. Fuck it. She looks at him and she’s all like, why don’t you go into the kitchen and fix yourself something to eat then?
Hmm. I’m like,
I’m like, yes bitch. Yes. You know, waiting to exhale. Just incredible, incredible. Everyone loves Bernie. She burnt up her, all her man’s shit. Sold the rest of it for a dollar. Look, I gave all of my ex’s shit away for free on fucking Facebook. I’m like, okay, so you like fucking around with strange men. How?
Well, let’s let some strange men come and take all this pretty shit that I bought you [02:53:00] away. How about that? I’ll get into more detail in that, in the book that me, me and my me and my friend are working on, so, and what’s love got to do with it is all about, you know how Tina Turner became Tina Turner after getting the shit kicked outta her and forget who she was and trying to kill herself from being in a relationship with a narcissist who, that I know of the day he died, never regretted or repented from what he put Tina Turner through.
He was basically like, yeah, I hit her. Do it again. The last interview I iced thought with him before he, he died, showed no remorse or change or shadow of turning. But it’s healing to us to watch movies like this to see that other women have been in the same situation. That’s why I’m so transparent about talking and vocalizing and ver verbalizing and, and putting it in writing because God, it, we’re not gonna sit here and suffer alone.
Not tho, not those of us who have been abused by these men, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, [02:54:00] financially, whatever we should not have had had. Our kindness and empathy repaid with insults, lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and deceit. Fucking STDs and shit. Oh hell no. All because somebody can’t get over their little boy issues when there’s a litany of psych therapy and shit and psychedelics and shit to help you maybe with the psychedelics, because the shamans did tell us in the ayahuasca ceremony pretty much that if you full of shit, that the shit’s not gonna work.
So you can’t, you can’t like enter into a psychedelic ritual knowing that you’re just there for bullshit. You might as well just stay home. But
while I was there in the mental hospital, the Lord let this man, like I said, God has been there, you know, so [02:55:00] present, like, I just felt his presence so strong this last five, six months. And thank God I was fasting at the beginning of this year anyway, playing the fast as I was seeking, you know, a another outpouring of the Holy Ghost into me, into my life before I knew, before I discovered those texts on, on Christmas morning.
But I did not let that stop me from fulfilling my, my vowels to the Lord though. Cause I had already promised that I would do that. And so so I’m there in the mental hospital coloring, working on one of these these manolas here.
And this dude who, he had had a stroke and he had like this dementia sort of thing. So he’d be kind of like this carrying on by himself when I’m sitting down coloring. And he just walks up to me with such strength and with such determination in the clearest voice. And he, he looks at me and he just kind of apparently reaches his hand in my direction and maybe [02:56:00] touches the table or my arm.
I don’t remember. He looks at me and he goes, good people are coming your way and. And I put my marker down. I was like, I was like, I think God just spoke to me through you. And he kind of like hesitated, like he didn’t remember what had just happened or didn’t know fully understand what I was saying. It was, it was, it was, it was odd in the best way.
I’m like, I hear you. You know? So I don’t know what got a hold of him for a moment there, but that wasn’t him talking to me. It was something that I so needed to hear. And and the Lord has been doing it. I have met the most incredible friends, like people who really seem to give a damn about me. These people say such nice and kind things to me, things my ex never did.
You know, and I realized that I had let myself get [02:57:00] starved, you know, for attention from him. Narcissists are known to do this, that make you emotionally starved for the little bit of things that they might do. Why did I let let him do that? To me, I, cause like I said, when I met him, I was broken. By the time I was able to walk away from him, I was no longer a broken person.
You know, you know, starved, you know, starved so much. So, you know, that that, that sexual things between us was the only thing that I signed value to, and then allowed that to become an obsession because it was his obsession, you know, not because it was mine, you know, I shouldn’t, I should, I should have had a plethora of love being sprinkled all around me from my ex, not a dropper to Heather and Tether.
When these, when I ran into friends I hadn’t seen in years, they come running up to me and embrace me, and they’re just like, fuck it. They, they are so damn happy that to [02:58:00] be in my presence that way. My ex never was. I tell ’em about what happened and they’d be like, wait, he cheated on you. You two fine for that.
What the fuck is wrong? No, you don’t cheat on this. Okay. It’s not the way that works. And so
I’m like, okay, this is the standard the way these people are. And when they see me, they are so fucking happy. I mean, happy to see me. They don’t mind being challenged. They, there’s good easy people to talk to. They speak of the spiritual world and are the one to come. And if they don’t necessarily believe in anything, they’re open to the consideration.
They’re happy people, they’re honest people. And it’s, it’s just like waves of fresh air gushing all around me and through me and over me and in me from all four corners of the fucking earth. It is revitalizing. It is refreshing. And it encourages me [02:59:00] that there is still hopeless in man. Okay? So yes, good people have come my way.
Very damn good people. And we just respect each other’s space. We respect each other’s minds. There’s no compulsion. We’re not trying to see what we can get out of each other. We give a damn about what the other is going through. And we all have our issues. A lot of us have mental health issues we’re dealing with, and we don’t mind putting it out there on the table and seeing and talking about it.
It’s really just as simple. So so I mentioned Arch Angels earlier. I wanna talk about the, the, the angel Michael. Now we’ve given them this term Arc Angel. Okay? In the Bible there’s really only two angel names. It’s Gabriel and Michael. These other names come from people who claim to have had been giving them. I’m not saying taking that from them or not.[03:00:00]
So in, in, so in the book of Daniel, Michael was described as one of our princess. Oh, one of the great, you know, one of the strong angels. Oh. And as our prince people believe him to be the strongest angel. We see, I think it is in the book of Jude, where Michael is arguing with Lucifer over the body of Moses.
Why they were fighting has to do, I think, with some sort of ancient tradition, but why they’re fighting over a body like that had to do with some sort of ancient tradition. Michael, therefore is Lucifer is equal, not Gods, you know, God and Jesus and the Holy Ghosts don’t have any kind of equals. So in a lot of movies you’ll see people saying like, you know, God, you know, fighting, you know the devil.
No. You know, the Bible of the Lord sent Michael to fight the devil because there is no fighting God. And so[03:01:00]
I had been feeling angels started coming to me like in human form when I was a child. Okay? I speak about this in my, you know, in my memoir and in different shows that I’ve been on, or there are people I’ve had on my show. I don’t ask them their names because the, that it doesn’t matter, you know, what their names are what matters, what they’ve come to do and say and I’m careful not to step into this realm of angel worship, which, you know, certain religions, you know, I e the Catholic church does behemoth and it’s widely accepted. Again, another one of those things, I don’t care how popular it is, you know, you know, we are not supposed to worship anything but God, period.
You know, and so I. [03:02:00] But I felt you know, I felt, you know, specifically, like I, I specifically felt Michael and I thought, and I thought back on this time when Evangelist Nelson was in church, prophesying going forth in the spirit as she, as she does. And she called this woman up. You know, in those days they would call you up, you know, to the front and prophesy to you and tell you what was going to happen and what was going on and what had happened.
And everything, as the spirit would move, and everybody would tell you, van Nelson’s prophecies were always a hundred percent accurate and true, period. There’s a litany of people who could witness to that. And and she called this woman up there and this woman was holding herself. Like, I never seen an adult dude before.
I know what she was going through. Hell wish she might have had a narcissistic fucking man in a life. Shit. That’s, so, that’s [03:03:00] something that’ll make you wobble like that on your, on your own two feet as you trying to stand Jesus Christ.
And as the woman was walking up, Evangel Nelson was like, as you coming up here, Michael is walking with you.
I don’t know why I found that hard to believe and I’m, you know, a quick believer. I have felt the presence of Jesus himself come and walk through the aisles of the, of that, of that church and the Holy Ghost for sure move strongly in that church. And I could accept this. But why, why, why would you say Saint Michael in particular?
I found that so hard to believe. I reject, I mean, I reject whatever that spirit of unbelief was that tried to come up in me, you know, try tried to come upon me like that. But I was like, Why? Because why is because I think angels, people say [03:04:00] angels can’t be more than one place at one time. Okay. God could empower them to do that if he wanted to.
Cause he can do any bloody thing he feels like. But I don’t know. It’s just one of those things like, okay, I don’t know where that unbelief came from. We’re just gonna like squat that away. You know? And I, I repent myself of ever even letting such a feeling like that come, come into me. But but nevertheless, I remember what she had said, you know, about how, how, how, how, how the angel Michael was, was walking with this woman.
You would think somebody with Michael’s level of responsibility to go from arguing with Lucifer. Now it says in the Bible how at the, at the end times, you know, that Michael will stand up in order to defend the nation of visual. I’m like, he got, you know, waring factions of angels to lead, to kick to, to, to kick Demonn ass and such.
Yet he also is dispatched to tend to like one human at a time. You know, [03:05:00] this is a great thing to me, you know, but in the Bible it talks about how the very hairs of our heads are numbered. Well, in my case, my beard could kind of don’t have any hair left at the top. But and that how we are the apples of God’s eyes, why not?
It’s something that I had to wrap my head around, you know, and I’ve been visited by many angels in my, you know, in my dreams, but mostly physically. But you know, so, so this, so during these last five, six months, at some point Michael came down here and it’s like, cuz I kept this, my mind just kept going to him, to him, him.
That’s how I know.
And I had a dream about him. The, I don’t know, within the last like week or so, And, and in this dream, Michael looked like, Hey, he did look like some rosy [03:06:00] white angel with red, rosy cheeks. And that he looked like he looked like a cloud. He looked like a cloud that, that had like rainbows coming out of it and maybe like a horn or an instrument or a trumpet or something like that.
He was a composition of things. Okay. It was a dark cloud. Not all darkness is evil cuz the Bible talks about how the Lord, I think, raps himself in darkness. You know, light and darkness are the same before him. Perhaps this represents the mysterious nature of Michael, but they say that even Lucifer’s body was composed of instruments.
Like he, he did not have like the regular makeup of most angels. Okay? So to speak. So,
so this is just how hard [03:07:00] God has fought this last five or six months to both keep me alive and to keep my really, to give me a new mind. Just like the dream I was talking about at the beginning of all this. When you go through a fire, everything gets destroyed. I asked the Lord to gimme a new mind, a new soul, a new body, a new heart, a new point of view, a new perspective, a new everything.
That’s how worn and ragged I was. After dealing with all of this stuff with Ethan. There wasn’t no demanding left. I lost myself somewhere along in the relationship. Anyway, the destruction of the relationship and finding everything out took whatever of me that was left and just torched it and lit it on fire.
I had to just become some, some something different, something better. There’s, there’s the only way. Because whatever I was, was over. But I’m so, so thankful to have Michael here. And yes, he is still here with me now because, cause I, cause [03:08:00] his work is not finished. This is a heavy, heavy, heavy transition that I’ve gone through.
And so,
cause my heart goes out to people who are going through this, honey, you better get on them knees and pray for the Lord to send you some angels. Don’t ask the angel. Pray to the one who’s in charge of the angel evangelist. Nelson was always very adamant about that. You know, this woman did talk to God, get, get any kind of prayer through, you know, very powerful, high clairvoyant.
And she refused, refused to directly speak to an angel without going, going through God first. Be with it what you will, what I’m telling you with the greatest spiritual mind I’ve ever known, said, I don’t give a damn what’s popular. I’m telling you watch you get into your feelings and talking about all these different angel names and everything like that.
Pray to God and tell him to dispatch the angels and things like that. You’d be in a better position[03:09:00]
overall. My dreams have improved since I left my ex. I keep seeing myself dancing. Dancing. I’ve been seeing a lot of cats lately. You know, things like that have to do with feminine independence and things like that. The other night when I was trying to fly back here from Mexico, I had to spend the night in Houston and I was staying at the conference suites up in Humboldt, Texas because United Airlines couldn’t get their shit together and get our, get us get get, get me back home.
So instead they bought me a hotel room. That’s why I discovered the, that damn bubble tape and the throwback candy and God sweets fucking nice. They had like a bath bomb in there. This cool ass. You could lift this mix with some, you could lift this lavender fucking hand sanitizer. That shit was fucking snatched for the gods.
And the breakfast the next morning was off the damn chain. I’m like, the conference suites [03:10:00]is where it’s at. I’m gonna have to tell Hilton to go fuck themselves because they ain’t do all that. No matter what nice rooms I’ve stayed at, I’ve never been given a fucking bath bomb before. So I had to make some changes.
Mm-hmm. So, but as I’m, you know, I lay there sleeping, you know, I had this most interesting dream. It’s like I heard in Vogue Song, you know that song and never gonna get it in my dreaming. And I saw myself dancing Honey and Honey, I was putting on a show. It’s like I was wearing, I kept doing these outfit changes and one of the one that stood out was like, I was in this, like this leopard print outfit and then there was this one that was like an all black leather, okay.
They were like bodysuits and the heels on these things are already like seven inches. And it’s like, I was asking for somebody to bring me even higher inches, you know, I was trying to get into the range of like those, like those 14 inch hills that Demi Moore wore when she did that photo shoot with the giraffe all those years [03:11:00] ago.
Y’all didn’t check out that photo shoot, check it out. It’s a bad bitch. But she had on like 14 inch hills, you know, standing up next to this giraffe up on like this like staircase or whatever the fuck they made. And I was trying to get in the heels like that. And
it’s for this look, it was like, think, think like Raja from, I think season three, RuPaul’s Drag Race. I think Raja meets that Shania Twain from the, that don’t impress me much video that that that leopard or cheetah, whatever outfit that Shania has on us, kind of like head to toe with just like the face think like that meets Raja.
That’s like the look that I was giving in Honey. Like I said, I was putting on a show. Okay. That was a man in the audience in this dream. I don’t know if I knew him or not, but, but he really, really, really, really, really admired me and, and, and bask and [03:12:00] absolutely everything about me and everything that I was, and I had his complete undivided attention.
Okay. Okay. I wasn’t trying to get his attention, but he was there, but he was there offering it all the same. Okay.
And and I saw a whole bunch of like gray cats in this in this dream as well. A whole bunch of gray cats. So these are the sort of dreams that I’ve been having ever since I stepped away from my ex. And I just keep seeing myself freer, happier, clear minded, loved, admired, not begging for attention from a man, got them, or, or got them ready to be on deck with their admiration of me and with their love of me.
I had a dream about lapis lazuli, which is like this [03:13:00] blue stone here, okay? Hmm. Yeah. This is lapis lazuli. So I went and looked it up, and then I bought me shit a couple of pieces to it, to were around my neck. I mean, this is coming from Crystal Dreams world.com. Also, go in the show notes probably. It says, lapis Lazuli helps the person understand their spiritual journey and develop their intuition as a powerful stone to create clarity of mind and communication.
It is often called a truth crystal, as it also ensures that the words you speak are in alignment with your personal truth. It can also be used to protect an environment when placed in all four corners of a room. This gemstone helps expand awareness, intellect, increase psychic abilities, overcome depression, and relieve anger.[03:14:00]
It also, it is also a good stone to bring to work because it helps one to aim high at your goals, attract promotions, recognition, fame and success. Choosing the lapis lazuli stone for you involves picking the one that calls to you. Yet the bluer, the lapis lazuli stone, the more powerful it will be. This gym works with a third eye chakra and is considered to be a Sagittarius birthstone.
Now, I am a Sagittarius. I don’t know if this necessarily will work like this for everyone out there. I just thought I would throw it out there to show you what it is has been studied to do. You know, it’s interesting to me, there’s a lot of people who, who won’t believe, who don’t believe in God, but will believe saying the power of a gemstone.
Well, it takes a whole lot of faith to believe that a blue stone can do all this. What I just read was just one paragraph from the page. You can read it [03:15:00] all. So as it, because you can touch the stone, you know, you know, we can believe in stones, but you know, you know, it takes faith to believe in both. You know?
What about God, man? What about God? Seashells, seashells, like fucking seashells, like out the fucking ocean seashells. When I was in Mexico and buying souvenirs for other people, I, I, I, I noticed like a, a bag of seashells that they had for sale too, and I’m putting my hands in those things. And the vibrations that, that I felt off of them was.
So Tan tantalize, the, and titillating that I, I bought the, she sea shells home with me and, and the spirit had me put them in different places in my house. That if you look at the, the spiritual meaning of seashells, seashells are kind of like, well, [03:16:00] eh, you can make it. Think of them as like gemstones of the ocean perhaps, you know, in a way.
But but I guess not really, cuz things used to live inside of them so they really wouldn’t be like a gemstone, cotton shells, clam shells, you know, things like that are mainly what was in that bag or what we consider to be like a seashell. It’s interesting when you put your ear up to a concha, how you can hear like the ocean in it, no matter how big or small that thing is, they all carry, you know, the ocean within them.
So, I’ll invite you to do your own research on seashells, but I’ll just suffice it to say they have to do with helping you to transition from one phase of life to the next. Many things I looked up ha they say they have to do with transitioning from this life into the next life. This made sense to me because getting out of [03:17:00] relationship with a narcissist, especially a covert narcissist, like what I had, like I said, you were in the Florida transition, like that dream that showed, you know, my mother on a fire in that car intense transition where nothing was left.
So from this lapis lazuli to the, to these seashells, I now have perched all up around my house. Whatever I can get my hands on to help smooth this transition along. Thank God for finally thank God for putting it in my path. When, when the time was right. So get y’all some seashells and that is not sign specific, just seashells work and then anything that’s been in the ocean like that.
Salt is a very purifying theme. Salt is one of the few things on this earth that cannot be corrupted. You know, maybe if you wet it first, but in its natural form, nothing fucks with salt. Nothing like growth in it or no shit like that. Not that I know of. [03:18:00] So like you can eat seafood to help cleanse your system because of the natural salt that the, the things that have lived in the ocean have in it.
And so I could see a seashell being super like cleansing. The fact that it’s been in saltwater salt water is super powerful.
There is some correlation possibly because spiritually looking at say like sand, where you find a lot of seashells and water, water is like more like your subconscious mind. Sand is more like your conscious physical mind. There’s transitions there in between like life and death as well, or conscious and subconscious.
An interesting area and field of study just with seashells and sand and beach and water alone. Spiritually speaking,
I found it healing to reach out to other, hurting [03:19:00] people, even to the people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. It’s a very, very interesting dynamic to say like, now have forgiven my ex. Okay. It’s, and, and the spirit has began to come to me in dreams and show me things, problems that my ex is having.
Okay. This just started happening within like in the last weeks. This is how I know I’m healed. Because until I was healed, the Lord could not come to me to deal with any kind of problems on behalf of my ex spiritually. I don’t hang out with my ex, don’t talk to him. It’s not like, how’s your day going and shit like that.
It’s like, okay, this is what the Holy Ghost said. Okay, cuz you out there fucking up. Okay, so, so the spirit is saying this, if you choose to do it, great. If you choose to, to keep going down your path out there doing whatever the hell you doing, you’ve been warned,[03:20:00]
this is how I know I’ve forgiven him. I ain’t bitter or nothing like that. Okay?
And I know I said you might not be able to help the one who hurt you. And I’ve said to turn away from the narcissist in your life when you must turn away from them. Otherwise, how are you gonna be made whole if you never can help them? They are no longer your responsibility. But I am a minister. I am, you know, a dreamer of God.
And so if the Lord shows me somebody, even if they, I consider them to be my enemy or whatever, I am not about to be like, oh well I’m not gonna do anything cuz I don’t like that person. Know either. Did everything in his power to destroy and hurt me, but I’m over the shed. Okay? So the Spirit is trying to deal with him and help him.
And the Lord is channeling that through me. Okay? I’m the only person in his life who is close enough to God to hear God [03:21:00] speak because his friends don’t call on God. His parents, they have a shaky relationship with God. You know, he didn’t know anybody who’s close to God, you know, to even get a message to him.
And so, and which is fine, I mean, it’s like whatever, you know, I’m called to help whoever God sends me to, period. My life is not my own. And so
So speaking of him, you know, if I were to ever have a conversation with Ethan, I would remind him of what I already told him before months ago. You know, it’s like when we were in our relationship, I would tell him shit. He would rebel, you know, which is as a sin of witchcraft. We, we, we discovered from reading the, the 15th chapter of Samuel Lord, the way Samuel read song for filth, Jesus.
I would tell him shit, he [03:22:00] rebelled, and then just to end up doing it anyway and being like, oh, you were right. I’d be like, I don’t know why you’re fighting me. I’m not your enemy. What, what, what? Okay. And so, and so, again, you know, I told Ethan this months ago, I said, you know, Ethan, go back home. Go back home to the state where you come from because you have enough support group here.
You know, you had, he had that with me.
Actually, I’m, I’m gonna talk direct to Ethan, you know, just in case you tuning into these episodes these days, go home. I don’t mean to like get out, go home, but I mean, like, it, it’s a warning. Go home. Evangelist Nelson tried to give me this same warning before I was homeless and lost everything. I was sitting there in Houston dealing all these drugs that got h I v already had Hepatitis B, didn’t know how the fuck the shit was gonna go, thought I was [03:23:00] gonna die.
She called me, she was like, do you want me to send somebody to come get you? I wasn’t on probation anymore. The first case I caught had gotten no build and dismissed by the grand jury. The Lord had cleared a path for me to just literally pick up and just go back home. I didn’t have a job. I had quit the job I had.
Cause I didn’t wanna go up there and kill people working at the substation electrician at CenterPoint Energy on the high power voltage. And I didn’t, I was like, no, I wanted to stay. I didn’t want to go home and feel defeated or like I was a failure. Okay? That had already happened. Okay? It was what it was.
So, but Evangel Noso was right. I should have just left. Instead, I stayed with not a real clear plan on improvement or anything like that. And eventually I ended up losing every damn thing. And guess what? I ended up [03:24:00] having to do what Evangelist Nelson tried to get me to do in the first fucking place and go back home, which was when, first was from Houston, Texas, back here to Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
And had I listened then I still could have kept my Mustang that I had, I could have kept all my clothes and it wouldn’t have had to rebuild from ground up. The very least. I could have delivered all those things to my parents’ house. And if I still insisted upon going to act the fool back in Texas, okay, well then at least I wouldn’t have lost every goddamn damn thing in the process.
You know, I was hardheaded. I didn’t do what the woman said and do, and it cost me everything that I had and damn near cost me my life too. But she was back here praying and standing in the gap and, and coming in between death and me. And so I give you that same warning, Ethan, go home like your mother loves you.
I talk to your mother every day. I talk to your mother seven days a week, and she’s had to go through her own healing [03:25:00] process and dealing with everything that, that, that has come of this and all that. She’s learned about you, but the woman doesn’t judge you. She doesn’t hate you. You know, she wishes you would come back home.
You know, a mother doesn’t want anything but to have her children, especially when she knows they’re in danger, right up under her so she can see what the fuck is going on. Okay? I put my mother through this enough to have a learned this. I am not a mother, okay? But I have seen the pain that it has caused my mom to worry about if I’m going to come back home alive or if she gonna get that call in the middle of the night that I’m dead or whatever.
Ethan, Ethan, your, your, your fuck buddies as you like to call them, are not your friends. If I could borrow line from Britney Murphy, those hanas and not your friends, you use them. They use you. And the Bible talks about how the Lord will take your lovers and turn them against you because they’re not your friends to begin with.
It was only [03:26:00] transactional. It is an unsafe thing to continue to expose yourself to people that you barely know. Okay? I had a dream about you. And it’s like like in this dream you were back, you know, at home with your four or five friends, whoever it was that you grew up with. And it’s like y’all were playing basketball.
I think you were holding a basketball and maybe trying to get me to come with you or something. Well, we know that’s not going to happen. And, and you know, we were never big into sports.
Basketball in a dream could mean like a cooperation and teamwork. I think that you have that with your friends, but at the same time, basketballs would also speak to the way that you trip yourself up, cuz basket, that basketball also cuts off your path as you’re dribbling it. It’s hard to walk a straight line and play that particular sport.
So it has [03:27:00] to do with self-destructive tendencies and self-destructive behavior. You know, you have no network here. You know, coworkers, maybe gamers maybe, but with the state of mind, you know, that you’ve been in for what I’ve seen what’s been revealed to me and my dreams. Whatever it is that you out there do and Ethan is not of God, it is not helping you.
It is hurting you and you are devolving and going down. And what the Lord is trying to do is build you back up. He’s not gonna fight with you. Always is. And so you do not have unlimited time to get your shit together and to fix this mess that you made. But it can be fixed. But you’re gonna need help to do it.
You need to go home. You know, it’ll be back in your environment cuz you gotta need to go back [03:28:00] to where it all began. You know, when I was with you, your dreams never moved past high school. You always dreamt about being back there. You have too many unresolved issues from your youth. You need to go back to where it all started, piece it together, pray about it, get the right type of psychotherapy, which I have discussed in the other episode that I dedicated to pe other people, to everyone suffering with N P D.
I already talked about the things that can be used to heal y’all. You know, that is, that is, that is what I would suggest. Go back home. There is no shame in admitting that it didn’t quite work out. You know, we are not together, you know, longer have access to my friends, you know, longer have access to the things that I had given to you.
You know, I took all that back. So you’re basically just sitting here by yourself, you know? You get in [03:29:00] trouble, you know the flat, but that happens. You need help. You can’t call my parents to come help fix it. You can’t call my parents to come get you from New Orleans. If you’d done gone down there and gotten too drunk and acted a fool, you know, you can’t, you can’t call me.
You can’t, you know, to come get you out of like trouble like that. So,
and again, going on apps and meeting people to sleep with and doing things like that, don’t get you real friends. You should know that by now cuz that’s what you did, you know, all throughout college. And you don’t have one friend from college, but you have a litany. People who you can go and sleep with from college.
This is not the way to live. And I’m not saying this to shame you, but I am saying this to say, okay, we gotta do something different. If we wanna get different results, trying to negotiate with it and say, well I’m just gonna do the same destructive thing a little bit [03:30:00] less. It’s no deliverance unless you can pull away from whatever it is you’ve been doing.
And definitely that thing still has control over you. But God has power over these things is not playing with the devil, without playing with your life. Settle yourself and go back home and, and work with the people who actually truly care for you in this world. Don’t lie to them. Tell them everything and begin to work yourself into it.
A new and true existence such as you’ve never felt before. And then you will feel incredible for the first time in your life.
Now let’s talk about drugs, man, drugs, ayahuasca, what we got here, ayahuasca, tobacco, tea and L S D. Or how are we gonna close this thing out? This de description comes from the Alcohol and Drug [03:31:00] Foundation’s website. What is ayahuasca? Ayahuasca is a plant-based psychedelic. Psychedelics affect all the senses, altering a person’s thinking, sense of time and emotions.
They can cause a person to hallucinate seeing or hearing things that do not exist or are distorted. Aas is a decoction or concentrated liquid made by prolonged heating or boiling of the banister ban banisteriopsis copine with the leaves of the psycho psychotria viti shrub. Although there can be a variety of other plants included in the decoction for different traditional purposes.
The ac, the active chemical in Ayahuasca’s D M T Dimethyltryptamine, it also contains monoamine oxidase inhibitors or Mais. Ayahuasca [03:32:00] has been used for centuries. My first nation’s peoples from contemporary Peru, Brazil, Colombia, and Ecuador for religious ritual and therapeutic purposes. What does it look like?
Ayahuasca is a brown reddish drink with a strong taste and smell. Yeah, it almost tasted like they had mixed hours with like chocolate or some shit like that. And so this shaman mixed it up. We drank it. Then a couple hours later he had like a special brownie, basically some pure chocolate he had got out of a tree somewhere and mixed Aya with it to, that’s how you like bumped up, especially if you weren’t getting the experience you thought you wanted.
Most of us actually fell asleep, you know, after receiving the first dose dose because this shaman was a nod. The type that really likes to lay it in hard cuz Waka has a reputation of being quite intense, [03:33:00] but does not have to be intense. And this shaman believed that a gentler approach is still an effective approach.
So he did not give us high doses of D M T at all. Some people did report seeing things. I heard everything. I heard some guy saying he thought he had got taken up in a space shift with aliens. Believe it or not, I don’t know. I have found that my, the way my mind works, since I see so much all the time and my dreams and I have a highly visual mind and imagination, I don’t, I’m not gonna like see some shit that’s not there or like hear anything that’s not there.
More than likely, it’s like I take the substance and then it, whatever healing will be manifested later through my dreams. Okay? That’s the way it goes. However, when I did have my eyes closed during the ceremony, I, it was like I did, I can’t even say, I don’t think I was dreaming or some, some [03:34:00] something in some space in between consciousness and, and dreaming.
I saw like how humans represent like the grim reaper, like the guy with the the, the whole reaping spear thing. Because going through psychedelic experiences can make you feel like you’re dying. That’s why that happened. This is known, but you don’t die. You always come back, you know, from, you know, a guided psychedelic experience like this with, with, with a leader.
So we’re in like, you know, we get there, you know, it’s 20 minutes south of Port Bayte, kind of like in the mountains with Port Bayte. It’s like very mountainous. So you go up a little bit of a way. We do this thing called Tek, which is basically like a, a hot sauna. And you sit in a circle in this little hut.
You know, you’re sitting there and they take big ass stones that are like red hot. There’s like this [03:35:00] incense, everybody grabs it sets their intentional, whatever they’re trying to release. You know, in psychedelic healing, you’re always thinking about, I want to close this door, close this pathway so new ones can open.
I’m doing this to close this off so that something new can manifest just, just a general mindset that you, that you wanna be in. So we take this incense and we throw it on the fire. They take those same codes that everybody manifests at whatever their desires are. And put this in the center of the room.
You have this old abuelo, this, this, this Mexican grandmother. Oh, he has like these dear antlers, like that stag from shadow and bone. Okay. He’s huge as stag antlers. And she’s scooping up the, the, this red hot coal with the antlers and throwing the water, which she’s blessed and prayed over over it. And they do this three or four times and they close you in there.
Once you in there, you can’t leave. Cause people [03:36:00] start to have or, or can’t start to have like emotional things happen to them and you can’t run off like that. The shaman’s gonna keep you in there so they can exercise your ass basically and get that demonn up outta you or your emotional trauma that has been laden within you deeply.
They’re, they’re gonna extract that shed that starts to come out. They’re gonna let you run. And so we in there and we just sweat. It’s the way that you prep for the Aya wasa. We do the wasi that night. We’re still sitting around the circle. There’s no more than like say 10 people. Although we had like five liters five shaman leaders.
And so you have your own like little inflatable mattress coffee, you’re sleeping in the circle. Cause once you start the ceremony, you can’t go like back to our like rooms until sunrise. Okay. Cuz they don’t want people wandering off and shit like that. And you got to set it up. We had to set it up however you wanted.
So I had like some [03:37:00] of these gemstones that you see here, set up around the bed and everything at the head of the bed. And you got my cellulite going, everything. I don’t vomit. There were people who were vomiting, they handed out the vomit buckets and everything. I’m not surprised because I knew I was going there to heal from this breakup.
And so I knew this shit was deep within me. It took me a long time just to start crying about it, you know, you know, I, I loved Ethan very fucking hard. It was hard for me to walk away from him. And so I knew that this was gonna be like a challenge, but that’s why I flew my ass down there. You know, it would set aside funds that I really didn’t have to go and take this trip and to do this because I was like, this is like life or death.
I need something to help me. And so
it felt [03:38:00] kind of just like, you know, just kinda like, kinda like weird, kinda like, kinda like coming down from like meth or something like that, or cracked, you know, just kinda like only wasn’t meth or crack. It’s just like, it just, it just made me feel super uncomfortable in my body, you know? Which is a part of the process as all the, all the, the, the, all the trauma and the bad things that are in me of being unearthed and shook up.
That’s what I’m feeling. Shaman comes around and, you know, he blew like he’s smoking some type of tobacco, whatever, you know, he blew that over my head, you know, the shoulders and everything. And they come with different feathers and different tallest mans and things to help, you know, usher you through your journey all throughout the night.
You know, this, this, this, this stuff starts. Like in between like nine and midnight and goes to sunrise. And so we did ceremony like this twice in between the ceremonies. We [03:39:00] took this tobacco tea. The tobacco tea was more intense than the ayahuasca. The tobacco leaves boiled into a tea you drink? Yeah, probably about this much of it.
Probably like a couple of ounces. Like what I have her in my twink ass tea cup, which I got from Dubai. And then you gotta drink like shit, four huge ass cups of water right after it to help mix it up because the point is to vomit it. And then we’re just out here on this, in this na natural thing.
There’s like a stream running by palm trees everywhere and just natural, there’s a natural oasis kind of thing. And people are vomiting the guts and glory over the damn place. I’m sitting here and can’t vomit anything. And he [03:40:00] like, you gotta drink your water. I’m like, I’m drinking this water. Yeah, drink it quick.
I’m trying. Okay. So the shaman had, gimme a second dose. I’m the only person who needed this, the second dose of the tobacco tea and I’m drinking all this water. I did finally vomit and when I did he, the shaman looks at it and he’s like, you know, I see blood in it. Cause it was like super, I guess, I guess relative to other people’s throw up, like more red.
And he begins to describe how, you know, this has to do with just how, just how attached I was to what I’m trying to let go. You know? Nevertheless, the tobacco tea is still in me and it worked its way down and I, Ooh. Yeah, ley made me feel janky. This, this tea had me feeling just like, just, just, just like, I don’t know, death or some shit, or just whatever the fuck you could, could feel like, like a flu or it’s like just [03:41:00] oh, just, oh, like I just wanted to escape my own skin, but my god, Jesus, as he sits on his throne in heaven, when that shit passed through out of my system, you know, I had to p it out because it wasn’t coming out any other way.
When it finally came out of my system child, I, I felt like I know in, in, in, in, in, in, I felt like a, in a, a Lotus Lilly floating away on the spring, sunrise into the glorious misty mountain or some shit like that.
I felt fucking fantastic. And so, honey, I’ve heard the same before. The way out is through. Okay, okay. Okay. I’m more a fan of the tobacco tea than I was of the Ayahuasca, [03:42:00] but I’m gonna have me another Ayahuasca experience again and see if I can get it done more intense and see, but I have a feeling it’ll be in the same realm.
It is true what they say, the shaman told us to, to wait three days to drink, to do other drugs or anything, because you’re still in that experience, even though you might not think you’re in that experience. And I was like, oh, well, whatever. Hmm. And I took my ass down in the port of an air turn and started drinking and ended up blacking out.
You know, I was like, well, the shaman was right. I should have fucking listened. Fuck. So Because you also eat like a bird. Like when you’re on this shit, you don’t want to eat and they don’t let you eat. So no, like heavy proteins, we ate like trail mix, grains, oats, we had mushrooms and like salad and shit.
You definitely lost a lot of fucking weight up there. Definitely lost a lot of damn weight. And you just [03:43:00] throwing up and shitting and sweating and crying and pissing and you ain’t really worrying about having a nice meal. You going through some changes, emotional changes. We like ain’t worrying about eating right now.
Fuck. So, so, so not holly Hallucinogenic for me, I didn’t hear voices, you know, besides seeing Grimmy, you know, show up, which was really fucking freaky. You know, it’s just a healing atmosphere, you know, sitting in that circle with people and you got the candles going. This room had a strong spiritual center in it where we did this, that, and if you walked into the center, it’s like your voice would change and become more cacophonous in nature and things just because of the natural energy that flows through it.
It was quite fascinating. [03:44:00] Ali Padilla, the, the, the lady who I was telling you who consults with the seven Arc angels, the person who’s helping me to break the, the psychic connection in between myself and my, and Ethan you know, was one of the shaman leaders there. That’s how I met her. And when her and her partner walked in the room, they carried themselves with such authority, you know, you know, they weren’t the main shaman leaders, but I was looking at them like they were, you know, oh, oh my God.
And they smelled so damn good. Both, both, both her and her husband and she was oh Jesus Christ. And Just, I mean, her hair, the way it was slicked to the side and kind of purple and done, bitch, they walked up in there like they own that bitch. Okay? And that’s why I was like, Uhuh, I, I need to talk with you, you know, privately cuz bitch, you, most people do not con command my attention like that, you know, but, but they walked in there undoubt, [03:45:00] nothing unwavering, you know, going forth, you know, conquering into conquer, you know, you know, as, as, as, as the spirit of Christ prevails over them and, and was working with them.
He gave them that same conquering power that the Lamb has. As it is spoken in the book of Revelation. Them people are strong that I was very, very impressed by the way they carried themselves. And so, like I said, I’ll be putting her contact information in the show notes. Let’s talk about some L S D
L S D lysergic acid olamide, if you wanna get technical with it, that’s what L S D stands for. Now this little blurb here I’m gonna tell you comes from Wikipedia. So, L S D was first synthesized by Swiss chemist Albert Hoffman in 1938 from Liturgic acid, [03:46:00] a chemical derived from the hydrolysis of Ergotamine and alkaloid found in ergo, which is a fungus that infects grain.
The LSD is basically fucking mold. LSD is considered to be non-addictive with a low potential for abuse. Despite this, the United States government made it illegal as part of the war on drugs after experimenting on people with it, doing something called Mtra or M K U O T R A or however the fuck you are supposed to say it.
And basically that was some sort of like twisted and a illegal fucking C I A experiment where they were using LS Z to see if they can get people to confess and shit. This why after having been in the military, I don’t recommend to the military. I know some people are just gonna go anyway, but just know that the masters are gonna lie to you.
The go, our government is so full of shit. But I digress. [03:47:00] Yeah, so after the government used it for what it’s worth and saw that it wasn’t addictive, they decided to just ban it anyway probably cuz they saw that it could actually help you. So, so L S D and M D M A and all these things are making a comeback.
You know, I pray for the destruction of the war on drugs so that people can stop going to jail cause people gonna do what the fuck they gonna do anyway. There’s no reason to go and throw people in jail, especially if you’re gonna put them in jail and then not do anything to rehabilitate them. No time that I was in jail for drugs was I ever saw any kind of counselor for drugs and written nothing.
Absolutely nothing. You just sat there and plan your next crime you’re gonna do when you get out. And so L Lsem
has been the most effective psychedelic that I’ve taken with the least amount of [03:48:00] need to ingest something. Like when I did Shroom for that first time in organ, it took seven grams for me to even feel anything or start seeing visuals. Most people it’s like three grams, three and a half, five grams is considered like a big dose bitch.
I needed seven. And so I’m thinking my mind just wasn’t ready to accept certain truths or facts or maybe, no, I’m pretty good. Maybe I. Maybe this wasn’t ready to, I don’t think my mind was ready to let go. I consider myself to be somebody who was married to the truth and loves a good, cold, truthful answer as opposed to a sweet warm lie.
You know? I just don’t think my mind was ready to let go. I also think I had so much tension in me, cuz I was still with my partner and at, at, on that day I was with him that brought him with me to the ceremony, you know, [03:49:00] but so maybe that was it. Well, I took this, this l s d square. I didn’t cut it up.
It comes in like a square thing where you can cut it and break it into force or whatever, proportions if you want to. I wasn’t thinking that way. I just took the whole damn thing and like, shit, 20 minutes later, fuck shit. I was looking at, started to do its own thing. So like, like, like the patterns in this, this gold patterns would’ve been moving by itself.
The, the, the marble or granite countertop at the club I was at. The shit started moving around like little ants. I was looking at people’s tattoos and like if somebody had a tattoo of like a sun with like an orange yellow raise and the fucking the ray or like moving, like the tattoos just moving over their arms by itself.
Bitch, I’m here for some liturgic acid, diat amide bitch. Give me some of this L s [03:50:00] d. This shit cut through every layer in my brain. Did my psychic psychic conscious and subconscious and everything. I don’t know if a part of this has to do with me still being within the same week of having done the ayahuasca and all of that.
You know, I don’t know if it would’ve been as strong, but nevertheless it was what it was. I went to you know, a club there in Port of Verta where I was tripping balls on acid and the bass. Hmm. The bass in this club was so damn fierce. It always is. But this bass, it’s like God had the right music playing at the right time for you to be in there experiencing this asset of this L s d it’s like that base.
I felt it, [03:51:00] it’s like it was rearranging and like the, the, the internal heartstrings in my fucking heart. It was like, it was giving me an internal heart massage. I felt it, it was, it was, it rearranged some things. Okay. I star, I laughed. I started laughing and kind of like how a baby was sound like you sound like, and I was so happy to see this because, you know, in a vulnerable state like that, you know, I didn’t come to tears.
I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t crying, I was laughing. This is when I knew I was on the other side of this thing, you know, and have sad thoughts. If I, if I did think of my ex and that state of mind, it was from a, it was from the angle of mercy and pity and compassion. It wasn’t anger anymore. It wasn’t hate, it wasn’t rage.
All of that was dissolved [03:52:00] and boring death and gone away. And the l s d revealed this to me. Now, it wasn’t wise for me to have done this shit without being out with a friend. Did not recommend doing it alone. And so, but the Lord showed me a great kindness and this guy showed up to me to, to talk to me.
Yeah, he was trying to have sex, but I wasn’t trying to do all that. Especially not in that state of mind, but he was still nice. All the same. And he, the interesting thing is I feel like he was channeling my friend Demi Wild from the Hook of Horror Stories podcast out there in Los Angeles, the one who I told you at the beginning of the episode, who called me to, to check on your girl to see what, what was going on over here in Louisiana.
Cause she saw that I was melting down, [03:53:00] you know, from watching the shows and reading my blog and everything, she was like, girl, you know, but this man just was so him. This man comes walking up to me. He has on the leather ball cap, like, like Demi likes to wear. He’s got the piercings going on, the tattoos, you know, he’s all, his voice sounded like Demi at first.
I was like, I wonder if this is an angel or this person’s real. When he started trying to like, fuck it, everything. Okay, well you’re definitely not an angel.
So, but, but he hung out with me, you know, the whole damn night and everything and we just like talked and danced and shit and I was so fucked up. Sometimes I could dance, sometimes I could just sit there. I wasn’t stuck, but I wasn’t capable of actually moving. This is some shit that you really need to do [03:54:00] if you’re not gonna microdose it, where you could just be on fucking couch somewhere looking at shit.
The glow in the dark fucking paintings and shit that you see in clubs. The ones that look all green under black light. I never look at them. This bitch is the same just as shirt as. I don’t look at tattoos the same anymore. All them holes was moving by themselves. I looked at, I had palm trees in my phone.
That like from California in there, I looked at my phone, the damn leaves looked like they was below the swing in the wind and shit. Okay, you don’t have to do anything else. He just sat there and look and shit. And the, the, the hi will do it for you. And so
I was high on that shit. I I took it at 9:00 PM Bitch, I didn’t get nowhere in the realm, in the realm of sober until about 9:00 PM the next night. Okay. [03:55:00] You better be clear your schedule. I was sitting in there under the fucking co in my bed tucked away, honey. Watching fucking baby Yoda and the Mandalorian honey, honey fucking lightsabers and that interstellar star speed travel shit where it’s all blue and glow and shit.
Bitch on L s d Girl, girl, girl
bitch. I got my fucking wife and then I got the fucking munchies like a motherfucker. And then, but I didn’t have like a motherfucking come down though. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel drained or like malnourished or nothing like that. I was just high as a motherfucker. And then I was fucking hungry. [03:56:00] And so
I would do L s D again in a long time in like a while. That shit is powerful. Very fucking powerful. And while it’s not addictive, allegedly, I. Your tolerance is, is said to raise quickly on it. And bitch, I took, I guess a high dose. I asked the damn, ask the dope boy, you know who I got it from, what the dosage is.
He’s like, I don’t know. I like to thanks motherfucker. That that doesn’t help me at all. So, so, and but I wasn’t worried about it being like stepped on because they don’t have fentanyl and drugs in Port of Vita. They send all the fentanyl up here to the United States. The cartel does a fantastic job of, of ensuring the quality of their narcotics that they put out on the streets to the [03:57:00] people of Port of Vallarta.
Everything is in the same bag. So if you get L s D or Crystal Meth or Ecstasy or Molly or what the fuck ever from homie over here is gonna be in the same bag. They have little prints patterns on the bags. Things are color coded and shit. It’s gonna be the same one no matter who you go to in that city.
It is all regulated by the, by the cartel. And they do an amazing job of both keeping the city safe and keeping their drugs pure. All they want you to do is come there, spend money, have a good time, you know, hopefully don’t hurt yourself in the process and just keep it peaceful. Come back and do it again sometime.
It’s really just that simple. And some of my favorite out of all of these would definitely be the L S D. I need a second opinion on Ayahuasca and have a more intense experience to tell you for sure. But I do believe that she was effective. [03:58:00] The tobacco t was probably my second favorite to the L S D because I was able to actually vomit some of the shit up outta me and.
And, and otherwise, I really, I really think that it needed to, to take its time and go through my body and it just to really extract all of that negative nastiness that I picked up from Ethan out of me and, and everything that had rubbed off on me from that relationship. So a combination of prayer, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, psychedelics is what has brought me to this day with God being at the center of it all.
Like I said, I’m going to write a blog to talk about all my breakup, music songs and everything like that. Yes, Taylor Swift will be all up in that bitch. [03:59:00] And the, the website is Sex Drugs and jesus.com. Let me know your questions, comments and concerns. And don’t forget that donate button up at the top right-hand corner.
I work hard to keep this podcast free, as far as I’m concerned. It always will be. We’re getting ready to switch platforms soon, so y’all might start to hear some advertisements come in there soon, because all of you, lovely listeners, the listenership has increased enough for me to be in a position where I can start to get advertisements on my web, on my podcast now.
So thank you all for listening and supporting and for sharing this with your friends. So again, my name is Devon. This is officially the longest podcast that I have ever sat down and done is now 6:08 AM and I think I started recording this around 2:00 AM so 3, 4, 5, 6. So this is about four hours that I’ve set here.
I probably need to break this one up [04:00:00] into shorter episodes, but then again, I might not, you don’t fucking know. I’m like, no, have to pray about it and see how I feel. I ain’t wanting to really tease shit. I’m like, if I’ve got something for you to have, bitch, I’m just gonna let you have it. And if you feel like it’s too much, well then you can break it up on yourself.
But here it is. I did what I did, so I don’t think it’s best practices, but I don’t follow best practices anyway. I’m gonna do this clean the way God tell me to do it. And that’s the only way it’s gonna happen. Anyway, check, I guess I’ll try to go to bed or whatever I can do, you know, at six o’clock in the morning.
Hell, I’m up now. Anyway, I love all you beautiful people. I’ll just say good morning to y’all. It’s sweet dreams for those of you who are dreaming as I speak, and I will talk to you all soon.[04:01:00]
